freaking out

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mochi*

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Hey
I can't say I completely understand, but I can relate to the problem of negelcting things like bills, personal health, etc...
I have struggled with anxiety pretty severly for the past 5 years (severe depressive bouts too) and after LOTS of therapy I am finaly getting at least somewhat of a grip. That said, I am waking up to realize how much I have neglected to take care of (bills, health, carrerr, social life) and that in itslef is anxiety provoking and depressing.
I am not sure about you, but for me the anxiety just got so bad that it took up ALL my energey and thoughts just managing it, babying myself--making sure I ate and slept, it was like survival mode only for nearly three years (sure, I held down a job and stuff, but I was unable to really take care of things that needed addressing in my life.)
The thinking about needing to do those things (pay bills, go to the denist, whatever) just amde me so anxious/irritable that I just didn;t do it.
Hard to explain..
But is this similar to what you are expereicng?
 
Yes it does sound familiar, Mochi.

The funny thing is that it seemed to have gone into "remission" at one point, because I remeraber thinking, "Why did I find it so difficult to feed that bird?" The question about paying bills then was, I thought, due to not being able to pay (no money). So I didn't wonder why I found that difficult to do.

But then suddenly out of nowhere I feel anxious...and yes...NOT doing it makes it worse. But it's like an invisible wall is preventing me from doing these easy little tasks.

I have a renewal coming up REAL fast...(the 27th) and I have to make invitations. I have the knowledge, the time, the ink, paper, and sturdy equipment. It'll take me a couple of hours to do it...so why is it so DIFFICULT to get it DONE...get it STARTED? Sheesh! I certainly don't find it difficult to come here and post more than I'd have to do if paying bills or making my invitations. Since I do have the money, I usually enjoy paying the bills and even cleaning. very perplexed.

And do you know what's really weird? I was all ready and willing to design the invitations six weeks ago, but my computer had crashed and needed repair.

On an unrelated issue, sadly my parrot got to my parakeet today. He'd never gone to Patches' cage before, so there was no reason to imagine the possibility. Patches appears ok, but Richard took off half of a toe. I cried for HOURS over poor Patches! He didn't bleed (there's blood on his stub, but it clotted immediately). He isn't crying or groaning, but I know he feels it. I put neosporin on it to prevent infection.
 
I think I just came to offload. I don't think I can really get help, but who knows? Someone might say something that might just be the trick.

I'm frozen...paralyzed. I have bills to pay and money to pay them, but can't get myself to doing it. It's not that I'm lazy. It's not that I don't want to do it. It's that for some reason, thinking about paying them strikes up a fear that prevents me from paying them.

It's not just that; I can't get myself to clean the house. I used to be on top of everything, but then I hit this point and I don't know how to get past it.

My doctor prescribed a rx for getting over the big humps (a couple years ago..he's retired now). It's not a "take it every day on time" kind of script; it's a "take it if you need it" med. I don't like taking it because it wears me down and I'm in bed all day. That's not going to help. I think it may increase the anxiety when it leaves my system, also. So, forget drugs. But I do see a doctor every three months for bipolar.

This type of anxiety killed a parakeet many years ago. Again...I had the food, water was plenty, but I was too anxious to feed the poor guy. Something about actually feeding him stopped me. I cry when I think about it. I have four animals now, and thank God I treat them very well.

I just want to curl in a tight ball in a deep dark closet (but unfortunately, it's too messy to do that).

I told you that you probably couldn't help...but maybe hearing the same story from others might.

I'm going to bed now, but I'm not going to sleep...as usual.

Thanks for listening!
 
Has something changed in your life, at home, work, relationship etc? Is something different now that was not before this started happening?

Maybe this all has something to do with your fear of change, and moving on towarRAB the future and/or you feel low self-confidence in your ability to handle things lately?

I am going thru some similiar things with not being able to do otherwise simple things. I found what helps me is "doing it anyway." If I allow myself to think and not do then I feed the anxiety and the behavior and it grows. However, if I do the thing I am resisting, it breaks the cycle and sort of helps "reprogram" my mind so that each time I do this it gets a bit easier and eventually goes away. You have to be consistent, focused, determined and unrelentless in your efforts though.

Hope this helps at all.
 
Tulmun--
I really appreciated your advice to ityiws. I have come to that realization myself lately, that I can put off most things, even the silliest things out of indecision or some inkling of anxiety, but it's true: you just have to make yourself DO and not THINK and Think and think.
It takes practice, but it actually alleviates stress after you;ve taken care of whatever you need to do: pay bills, go to the doctor, return a phone call, whatever..
It;s the anticipation of it that is anxiety-provoking (for whatever reason) and for me, often the anxiety masks itself as annoyance or inability to concentrate or indecision (depending on what I am avoiding) but if I just do it, I end up feeling productive and MORE RELAXED, after the initial irritation at the ammount of effort I need to coax myslef into opening a medical bill or whatever it is that stresses me out...But once it;s done, you will feel more capable and more calm.
For me, all this avoidance of daily obligations started after a major break-up and I got so depressed and anxious that I just couldn't focus, and well, that feeling stuck with and shows up in te strangest if ways.
I still can;t quite tell what prevents me from doing some ordinary things, essential things, or why they irriate me or make me anxious, but I do think there is something to this idea of an underlyuing insecurity: a feeling like you will not be able to handle the task, and so you avoid it alltogether...or maybe you are trying so hard to keep control that you keep control by "thinking" about doing things rather than actually doing them...does that makes sense?
I find that I am wrapped up in my own thoughts so often that I can get irritated when i am "interrupted" and have to make a phoncall or something-so weird. But it's true, the only way out of it is to force yoursdlef to take charge and take your life back, start small, and work your way up--just do it...(no homage to Nike)
Seriously though, just do it. And if ypu still can't--you need to get help, go to a Dr. or therapist and find out why you are avoiding so much, at thew very least you definitely need to get help for your animals because neglecting yourself is certainly bad, but neglecting your responsibility to your pet is VERY SERIOUS, an animal cannot care for itself--YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF THEM--and if you cannot, you need to take them to someone who can.
 
you REALLY NEED TO SEE A NEW DR NOOOWWWW!!!! this is not good and need help soon as it wont go away on its own...not feeling like feeding a pet can not be good so please go talk to someone!
 
The pet thing happened many years ago. I have a dog, parrot, parakeet, and an aquatic turtle and they're all being fed. But I get the same feeling now with the bills and the house, which I didn't have a problem with before.

I used to be an immaculate housekeeper. I got that feeling with the bills back then also, but back then we didn't have the money to pay them off. It made sense to be freaked out about the bills then.

This doesn't make sense and I can't put my finger on the problem (nor could I then with the parakeet, Reagan).

I'm wondering if this has anything to do with a vitamin D deficiency? The last reading was 3 and the reading before that was unregisterable.
 
First off, lets all calm down about the animal issue and take a deep breath. ;-) I have two others here that would take care of them if I can't...well, one...hubby is oblivious to the animal thing. But my son, who was too young to notice back then, would not let harm come to them now. And it's not even an issue because I do take good care of them. That IS one of the perplexing things, though...in all this anxiety, why can I take good care of them NOW...all four of them... when I couldn't take care of one tiny parakeet who only needed food, water, and a weekly cleaning?? Maybe I didn't feel adequate enough to take care of my own kiRAB and I didn't want to feel like I was putting the bird first in front of the kiRAB? (I was a good mom, but didn't know it then...(LONG story)

But when you used the word "control", it immediately took me back a few years when that word was always attached to my eating disorder. Before entering Johns Hopkins Hospital (which was the ONLY successful treatment in over 30 years of my problem), I weighed 58 lbs...and had been anorexic since 13. I did "take a break" when I got pregnant with my kiRAB and they are both very healthy.

But since my treatment...SUCCESSFUL treatment...in 2006, I've been at a normal weight. Now, grant it, I do weight 97 now, but that is heavy for my history. But I did have to give up most control of that problem.

This doesn't feel like a control thing, but maybe it has something to do with the lack of an eating disorder I'd had most of my life.

In case you're wondering, I'm not substituting this discussion for face-to-face therapy. I just saw my therapist Monday, and I see her again in a month. I'll bring up the ED theory then.
 
Not paying the bills when you have the money...are you afraid of the separation of you and your money? Is there any separation anxiety regarding anything else? Did something bad happen that paying bills and cleaning house reminRAB you of? I'm just taking a shot in the dark cause I've never heard of this fear before.
 
That's what I can't figure out. We did have problems in the past with bills. Funny thing is, there are some bills that I overpay because I hate owing people. For instance, my phone and electric bills are about $200 - $500 over because I want the money to cover us if something goes wrong. Then others, state taxes, etc, are left unpaid. I don't even open the envelopes...I don't even get the bills (or any mail) out of the mailbox until it's too stuffed for the mailman to get any more in.

Then when I see them strewn about the house, I freak out because they aren't paid. But there's money in the bank to do it.

I'm usually very on top of my emotions and know what triggers things. There was a horrible abuse incident involving strangers when I was in fifth grade. That explains some bedroom problems. It also explains the ED (shoot! EVERYTHING in my life explains THAT!).

I'm durabfounded. This is an anxiety forum, so I thought this was a common thing.
 
You know...in rereading my post, I think I may have hit something there. There are a couple of large things that need attention, and by doing smaller things I'd feel like I was neglecting the larger things (which I am anyway). But then, if it were true, why can I sit here and discuss it with strangers? This is like last years' Christmas lights. The more I untangle, the more that gets tangled.

, I did get my invitations done. I had to do them (which is how most things do get done...urgency), and got them done just in time to retrieve the hat, too (an Indians Jones reference) Although, just because they get the invites before the renewal, it really won't give them time to rearrange their schedules if they didn't already know about it ( still...who really has plans for a lazy out-of-school Saturday?) ;-)

Maybe deep down, I didn't want those people to come, but didn't want to look like a jerk for not inviting them (more Christmas lights)
 
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