I'm in middle school, 14 years old. Been teased all my life, settled down of sadness, fell back down at times...Homeschooled for a year, now I'm back at a mainstream school, dealing with all the different situations that arise.
Since I was a kid, while being bullied, I had social anxiety, and even today, I have no social skills. I have depression, have trouble finding someone who gets me, find it awkward talking to people, always walk around with my hand on my stomach, because it feels weird without it there. Basically everything that happened as a kid has shaped the way I am today, and I guess I am scarred. Stress is the main cause of when I'm distressed, depressed or angry. And when I'm angry and crying over an assignment or something other, I'll slap my face numerous times, or pinch myself really hard, because I think it's like disciplining myself and think negative things, compare myself to others. Would that be bad enough to be known as self harm or?..
Usually I am a good person, I know I am. I don't judge people no matter how bad they are. I always think something has happened to them for them to be that way, like myself. I try to be nice to people, but my friendgroup, one in particular, is bitchy. She's nice one minute and rude the next. She throws my books in class, tells me to shut up, ignores me when I try to communicate in conversations which doesn't do anything for my anxiety altogether. Then dealing with this, I fall behind on my homework...Mainly because I leave it to the last minute, because I don't know what to do...Then I cry and stress, procrastinate, slap myself, then forget about it. Then freak out the next morning and ask my mum if I can have the day off and avoid it altogether. I guess it's partly my fualt anyway.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm sick of life altogether. Everyday is the same, nothing is new or exciting, I feel depressed, sad, and pointless. I cannot be bothered with socializing with people because people always have a furking problem and can't just be nice. Middle school, depression, anxiety, getting pushed into gossiping and falling behind in work is crap. I can't really be bothered anymore. I just feel like crap, really. I mope around, no expression, no fun. I thought teenage years were meant to be fucking fun. But..And then I think, I weigh 74kg. I'm not pretty. I get intimidated by the 'rebel' girls who do weed and smoke, then seeing their party photos on fb with their 'boyfriends' gets to me, I cannot help being a bit jealous. I always wanted someone who would love me in that way. Tell me i'm pretty, someone to hug and tell everything too. But it's always the pretty girls who get someone...I guess it's just jealousy...It is jealousy. I've never had a guy as a friend in real life - I only ever got teased by them..I met this french guy over a blogging site - sadly enough, I have this massive crush on him...And he lives half a world away from me. It just kills me, whenever I see a couple hugging or whatever, I just die inside. I would love to care for someone, give advice, be together with them..And all that gets ruined when the girls at school teat love as a s.lut fest.
The worse thing is, with my anxiety, I can't express my feelings to my parents or anyone else. I just can't. It's uncomfortable...I'm not good with that cheest stuff...I just. Eh.
I'm just tired. I want to sleep...Life's too short to stress about 6 assignments at furking 14 years old. I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of the school curriculim, I want to study what I AM INTERESTED IN. I don't give a shit about italian, pointless maths topics, p.e. I'll exercise in my own time shit. I want to try and get out of the subjects which are pointless to me, adn stress me out. I would do so much better in school if I did so.
I don't really know what I'm asking...Does anyone else feel this way? Or is it just me?
Sorry..
Since I was a kid, while being bullied, I had social anxiety, and even today, I have no social skills. I have depression, have trouble finding someone who gets me, find it awkward talking to people, always walk around with my hand on my stomach, because it feels weird without it there. Basically everything that happened as a kid has shaped the way I am today, and I guess I am scarred. Stress is the main cause of when I'm distressed, depressed or angry. And when I'm angry and crying over an assignment or something other, I'll slap my face numerous times, or pinch myself really hard, because I think it's like disciplining myself and think negative things, compare myself to others. Would that be bad enough to be known as self harm or?..
Usually I am a good person, I know I am. I don't judge people no matter how bad they are. I always think something has happened to them for them to be that way, like myself. I try to be nice to people, but my friendgroup, one in particular, is bitchy. She's nice one minute and rude the next. She throws my books in class, tells me to shut up, ignores me when I try to communicate in conversations which doesn't do anything for my anxiety altogether. Then dealing with this, I fall behind on my homework...Mainly because I leave it to the last minute, because I don't know what to do...Then I cry and stress, procrastinate, slap myself, then forget about it. Then freak out the next morning and ask my mum if I can have the day off and avoid it altogether. I guess it's partly my fualt anyway.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm sick of life altogether. Everyday is the same, nothing is new or exciting, I feel depressed, sad, and pointless. I cannot be bothered with socializing with people because people always have a furking problem and can't just be nice. Middle school, depression, anxiety, getting pushed into gossiping and falling behind in work is crap. I can't really be bothered anymore. I just feel like crap, really. I mope around, no expression, no fun. I thought teenage years were meant to be fucking fun. But..And then I think, I weigh 74kg. I'm not pretty. I get intimidated by the 'rebel' girls who do weed and smoke, then seeing their party photos on fb with their 'boyfriends' gets to me, I cannot help being a bit jealous. I always wanted someone who would love me in that way. Tell me i'm pretty, someone to hug and tell everything too. But it's always the pretty girls who get someone...I guess it's just jealousy...It is jealousy. I've never had a guy as a friend in real life - I only ever got teased by them..I met this french guy over a blogging site - sadly enough, I have this massive crush on him...And he lives half a world away from me. It just kills me, whenever I see a couple hugging or whatever, I just die inside. I would love to care for someone, give advice, be together with them..And all that gets ruined when the girls at school teat love as a s.lut fest.
The worse thing is, with my anxiety, I can't express my feelings to my parents or anyone else. I just can't. It's uncomfortable...I'm not good with that cheest stuff...I just. Eh.
I'm just tired. I want to sleep...Life's too short to stress about 6 assignments at furking 14 years old. I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of the school curriculim, I want to study what I AM INTERESTED IN. I don't give a shit about italian, pointless maths topics, p.e. I'll exercise in my own time shit. I want to try and get out of the subjects which are pointless to me, adn stress me out. I would do so much better in school if I did so.
I don't really know what I'm asking...Does anyone else feel this way? Or is it just me?
Sorry..