Extract from my Story. FEEDBACK PLZ?

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Sally

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She was running fast. They were right behind her. She could hear their feet pounding on the concrete. Or were they hers? With a quick glance back, she saw the face. Dark, eyes glistening with hate so strong she could feel it. She cursed under her breath when the hand grabbed at her shirt and swung her off balance. The clang of metal rang in her ears as her head hit the pole. She fell in to blackness and pain as her body met the hard ground. The ringing in her ears subsided and shrieks of terror replaced it. Someone get a teacher? Had the voice spoken correctly? Yes, she nodded to herself, it had. The shouts seemed to blend together and form a beat. She felt her body starting to dance to it, quick, sharp, uncontrolable jerks. Suddenly the rythm disappeared and she lay motionless. The blackness faded and grey faces formed. "Shit." The person looking at her swore. "Call an ambulance!" She closed her eyes again and tried to escape the pain and confusion. "Charlotte, Charlotte!"
 
i like it...its gud.....i would sure like to read more....
but i think you should describe the street ahead of the girl and be a LITTLE(not much ...little) bit descriptive....

but basically its gud.
 
WOW!, that was really realy good !
i found myself really getting into that in such a small paragraph!, id really like to hear more!
great discriptive paragraph, and it doesnt give that much information about anything else, which to me is a great gripping effect!
All i can say is WELL DONE
No unpositive comments here !
great story! =D
Megan . . . x =]
 
I'm not reading any emotion in this. There are many cliches like shrieks of terror, eyes glistening with hate, blackness and pain....those are all cliches. I am curious to know what happens next, but this paragraph needs an extreme amount of work. It's static and flat, no roundness what so ever. Shape everything out some more. Don't tell me that she's scared, you need to really make me feel that she's scared and make me feel frightened, too. Show, don't tell.

Good luck!
 
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