Empty breathes

W

winter_white_wolf_pup

New member
I dont believe a single word
nor the slice from a single sword
from the sky to the core
I almost believe in nature

I have been called immature
refusing to believe all this folk-lore
or the ripples made by two oars
but can you really blame me more
than one who sits, watches from the shore?

if I am a wave than you are a slave
I break, you make
I grow, you sow
what is it in the end?
these messages we send

but I know its alright
even the end in sight
even the door with light
or the cold, dark night
nothing is the beginning
if nothing is the end
nothing to ring
for the resonance to pretend
 
i liked what was going on here but some of the rhyming just felt a little awkward. the last four lines was the part i liked best.
 
Yeah, I ended up using this in a song I'm working on. Its in mostly in 5/4 but I've been having a bit of difficulty figuring out where to put some of these lines so I might have to edit it a bit. I usually just kinda write poems out in one try and don't go back and change things, maybe a habit I should break haha.
 
There is quite a bit of potential to be a good song here. Rasputin was right, the rhyming can be a bit awkward. Some of it sounRAB a little forced, like you were just trying to rhyme with the line before it. Perhaps changing a few of them may be in order?
 
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