I'm writing a short story for the librarys writing contest, and I want to know if there's anything you think needs to be changed. ANYTHIIINNG...
Alyna was watching the snowflakes fall from her window, her chin in her hands. She remembered something her big brother Sam had told her, a long, long time ago.
“Lies are like snowflakes,” he had said. “They look okay for a while, but if you aren’t careful, they’ll bury you.” She missed Sam. He was dead now.
The world was cold and white right now. The snow covered all the grass in the yard, the sidewalk she walked on to get to school, the big oak tree she loved to climb. No one could get to school, so it was canceled today.
Alyna sighed. Even the sky is grey and unhappy, she thought miserably.
If Sam was here, he could cheer her up. Sam’s positive attitude and hilarious quips were like candy for her soul on days like these. She wished with all her might that he could come back, that he never got cancer in the first place. But it couldn’t come true now. She remembered how even in the hospital, when he was in a strange bed with beeping machines next to him and his messy blond hair had fallen out, he was cheerful.
“Don’t worry, Alyna. I’ll be okay.” He assured the wailing girl in the hospital a few months ago. “And even if I’m not, I’ll go to heaven.”
Alyna hoped her big brother really did go to heaven. Her chest ached with sadness.
A gust of wind blew stinging cold snow into her face, but she didn’t care. Her big oak tree’s branch tapped the side of the house right next to her. Suddenly, Alyna felt something touch her shoulder and she jumped. It was her sister, Marlie.
“Hey, Alyna. Whatcha doin’?” she asked cheerfully, sitting down beside her sister. Alyna sighed.
“Thinking.”
“About what?” Alyna didn’t really want to tell her and burden Marlie with her own thoughts. But she did. Marlie would never give up asking if she didn’t her what was on her mind.
“Sam,” she said gloomily, still staring out the window. Marlie seemed to understand.
“I was thinking about him too,” she replied. “Remember what he told us? About snowflakes? ‘Lies are like snowflakes. They look okay for a while, but if you aren’t careful, they’ll bury you.’”
Alyna nodded. “That’s exactly what I was thinking.”
“And remember his videos he’d make? Like when he videotaped Dad singing in the shower and played it at the family reunion?” Alyna nodded again, smiling slightly.
“He was always playing tricks like that…and then while he was washing the car that time we sprayed him with the hose. That was funny,” Marlie added with a little laugh.
Alyna didn’t want to remember any more. It was making her miss Sam. Tears filled her eyes and Marlie was quiet for a while. Then her big sister said softly, “But we shouldn’t be sad. He was meant to die. Remember how cheerful he was in the hospital? Sam knew it too. He’s in heaven now. Don’t worry about him.”
Alyna smiled a small smile again, this time getting bigger and bigger. She turned and hugged Marlie.
“Thank you. I feel much better.” She said in a sniffly sort of voice. Her nose was runny from crying.
Alyna thought she heard a ringing noise coming from downstairs.
“MARCIE! Telephone!” shouted their mother. Marcie let go of Alyna. “Gotta run!” She headed downstairs. Alyna went back to staring out the window.
Another frosty gust of wind blew in her direction, and this time she grabbed the branch of her tree. She scooped some snow off of the branch and tasted it. It was sweet.
Alyna noticed that the clouds in the sky were gone, and birds were coming out, singing their favorite songs. Snow started to drip off of the trees. She smiled. Maybe she would be alright without Sam after all.
Alyna was watching the snowflakes fall from her window, her chin in her hands. She remembered something her big brother Sam had told her, a long, long time ago.
“Lies are like snowflakes,” he had said. “They look okay for a while, but if you aren’t careful, they’ll bury you.” She missed Sam. He was dead now.
The world was cold and white right now. The snow covered all the grass in the yard, the sidewalk she walked on to get to school, the big oak tree she loved to climb. No one could get to school, so it was canceled today.
Alyna sighed. Even the sky is grey and unhappy, she thought miserably.
If Sam was here, he could cheer her up. Sam’s positive attitude and hilarious quips were like candy for her soul on days like these. She wished with all her might that he could come back, that he never got cancer in the first place. But it couldn’t come true now. She remembered how even in the hospital, when he was in a strange bed with beeping machines next to him and his messy blond hair had fallen out, he was cheerful.
“Don’t worry, Alyna. I’ll be okay.” He assured the wailing girl in the hospital a few months ago. “And even if I’m not, I’ll go to heaven.”
Alyna hoped her big brother really did go to heaven. Her chest ached with sadness.
A gust of wind blew stinging cold snow into her face, but she didn’t care. Her big oak tree’s branch tapped the side of the house right next to her. Suddenly, Alyna felt something touch her shoulder and she jumped. It was her sister, Marlie.
“Hey, Alyna. Whatcha doin’?” she asked cheerfully, sitting down beside her sister. Alyna sighed.
“Thinking.”
“About what?” Alyna didn’t really want to tell her and burden Marlie with her own thoughts. But she did. Marlie would never give up asking if she didn’t her what was on her mind.
“Sam,” she said gloomily, still staring out the window. Marlie seemed to understand.
“I was thinking about him too,” she replied. “Remember what he told us? About snowflakes? ‘Lies are like snowflakes. They look okay for a while, but if you aren’t careful, they’ll bury you.’”
Alyna nodded. “That’s exactly what I was thinking.”
“And remember his videos he’d make? Like when he videotaped Dad singing in the shower and played it at the family reunion?” Alyna nodded again, smiling slightly.
“He was always playing tricks like that…and then while he was washing the car that time we sprayed him with the hose. That was funny,” Marlie added with a little laugh.
Alyna didn’t want to remember any more. It was making her miss Sam. Tears filled her eyes and Marlie was quiet for a while. Then her big sister said softly, “But we shouldn’t be sad. He was meant to die. Remember how cheerful he was in the hospital? Sam knew it too. He’s in heaven now. Don’t worry about him.”
Alyna smiled a small smile again, this time getting bigger and bigger. She turned and hugged Marlie.
“Thank you. I feel much better.” She said in a sniffly sort of voice. Her nose was runny from crying.
Alyna thought she heard a ringing noise coming from downstairs.
“MARCIE! Telephone!” shouted their mother. Marcie let go of Alyna. “Gotta run!” She headed downstairs. Alyna went back to staring out the window.
Another frosty gust of wind blew in her direction, and this time she grabbed the branch of her tree. She scooped some snow off of the branch and tasted it. It was sweet.
Alyna noticed that the clouds in the sky were gone, and birds were coming out, singing their favorite songs. Snow started to drip off of the trees. She smiled. Maybe she would be alright without Sam after all.