Dream Girl

M

Macaveli

New member
stand, sit, smile, dance
a novel read through adoring eyes
all her movements make up the sentences
chapters composed of innocence

void of what complicates life
all the little lies we live by
they just simply aren't in you
so profoundly set afar

existence provides itself
with a simply stunning wealth
void of all the dissonence
we struggle with inside ourselves

i read the story now
of how you're simply being
the movements of your face and eyes
simply smiling and simply seeing

i nearly cry as i witness
the celebration of existence
through the most basic means
and as i further read
i remember my stagnant, fearful, conflicted reliance
upon the lies i live by
as i realize
this is a work of fiction within me
 
:thumb:

I know you're going for the whole identifiable thing, but this is truly boring. Try branching out into anything else but a generic song about some girl. Perhaps try writing about space pythons who massacre cookie fatories. (See what I did there? It was supposed to be "factory" but because it makes cookies it's a "fatory!" Huh! Anybody!?)

Crit mine, if you will, good sire.
http://www.rabroadmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=586427
 
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