Your worst nightmare
New member
Hi! So My name is Evelyne (just to get acquainted lol) and I am young, 13, but I really love writing. I've recently finished a story called 7 Days and it's the first book out of a series. I was really hoping to one day get this published and I am looking for any CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, as long as you think it is significant. So I want to give you a link so that you can read the whole lot (http://www.wattpad.com/929092-7-days-prologue), but for the people who don't want to read the whole thing, here is a preview:
I paused for a second, trying to find the courage in me to open the door. I placed my hands on the handle and pushed it down. This was it. This was my first day of work.
The bell above the door rang brightly as I entered and approached the counter. Standing behind the cash register was a tall, brunette figure with dark brown eyes. She smiled sarcastically at me as I passed her my forms.
“Hi! I’m Georgia!” I introduced myself happily, thrusting my hand in her face. She scrunched up her nose and took my hand.
“And you are?” She asked rudely. I frowned in disappointment but pepped up again as I looked around and noticed what a lovely old café this was. It had an old rustic feeling to it, like something you would find in the late 1800s. The walls were dark wood panels, the colour of coffee and cream. The floor was a smooth chestnut and there were sturdy beige lanterns hanging as lights. I was broken out of my observations by the sound of the Front Desk Lady clearing her throat.
“Oh. Sorry. I’m your new waitress!”
She sneered at me, before plastering on a smile and tilted her head to the side. “Oh right! Well I am Iris and I’m the store manager. I’m guessing it’s your first day?” She explained, starting to relax around me now. I bobbed my head up and down and she led me out behind the counter to a large tea room. There were two tables in the middle with four chairs surrounding each.
Behind the tables was a wide bench top covered in kitchen utensils and napkins. Beside it was large stainless steel fridge and on the other side was a proper pizza oven. Gosh, fancy tea room!
“Your apron is on that hook over there,” Iris pointed to a long rack printed with a few names, one of which on the left was mine. It was second from the left. “You can chill here until half past and just do whatever. Go crazy with the coffee machine and see if you can make a new drink!” She offered, hurriedly turning back to the counter and back to her work.
So I had half an hour to kill until my first day on the job as an 18 year old officially started. What to do first?
On the right wall beside the door hung a 48” plasma screen TV, accompanied by a bright green PlayStation 3. I knew what I was doing for half an hour! I skipped over to the large stack of PS3 games resting on a coffee table and sifted through them.
The Simpsons; Hit and Run. That is so what I’m playing! I remember playing that when I was like 15! I thought to myself as I sat cross legged on the bouncy carpet a few feet away from the TV. You couldn’t sit too close to it because you’d have to look up really high and it would hurt your neck, plus being 48”, that would be really unhealthy for my eyes. I didn’t need thicker glasses!
But then the game loaded. ‘The Simpsoooooooons!’ Sung the catchy theme tune. “Duh, duh duh, duh duh duh duh duh DUH DUH DUH DUH!” I chanted loudly, pressing the start button in order to begin playing.
There was a short scene before I had to go and get ice cream and beer for Marge, as I was playing as Homer. Weird woman.
A few minutes later, I was on Level Two with Bart. Or at least I thought it was a few minutes… I took a quick look up at the clock only to notices I’d been playing PS3 for 28 minutes! I sprang to my feet and hurried to turn off all the equipment, before sprinting to my hook and taking my apron. It was green with little embroidered flowers on the bust part…
A bell sounded from the front (not the bell from the door, the bell from the counter). I finished tying up the strings at the back of my awesome apron and faced Iris, my hands behind my back.
“Just in time, newbie!” She stated happily.
“I’m ready!”
Kitty KML II: Thanks for answering but you know, I've seen loads of authors even younger than me get published. This preview wasn't even half a chapter and you can't really tell much from it so that's why I have the link. I hate how people stereotype because of age. Publishers are looking for things they can sell and if it's good enough, they don't care about age. But thanks for your opinion, I do appreciate it
Laura Kantore: Hello! Once again, thank you for answering! About the number thing, yeah, I know. Many people have told me and i plan on fixing that up when I can be bothered. But about the sounding like a 13 year old wrote it' thing, that's the whole point. It probably would have helped to mention that the girl whose POV this is written in, has mental and learning disorders so of course she isn't going to use big complicated words. Also, this is a story meant for fun and not everything has to weave perfectly into the plot and have a great significance.
The thing about having a playstation in the tea room, somewhere later on the story it mentions that one of the employees brought that in and the TV, ditto. Some people like to have fun with other people at work. Pfft, next time I post something like this I'll make sure NOT TO PUT MY AGE. Because it seems like that's all EVERYONE cares about. Looking at the age instead of quality.
Kitty KML II: Ya, so what, not loads. I was exaggerating my point. It's possible to get published at a young age. And about agreeing with the other person, people really know how to make a person feel good, don't they? I just love that! Thanks for upping my self esteem! (Sarcasm)
frank d: Thank you very much for being generally kind about your answer. I agree some of my words are kind of sketchy :\ And I really don't think I'm ready YET but all I really want to know is if I have potential. I wasn't asking for other people to bash unnecessarily. And about the published thing, I don' really mean younger than me but sure, there are people around my age. xo Eve <3
Kitty KML II: Lol sorry I'm in such a bad mood :\ I guess studying maths makes a person a little crazy. I apologize for being so rude, it really wasn't my intention and apart from what it may sound like, I do learn from what everyone has said and I definitely appreciate it. <3
I paused for a second, trying to find the courage in me to open the door. I placed my hands on the handle and pushed it down. This was it. This was my first day of work.
The bell above the door rang brightly as I entered and approached the counter. Standing behind the cash register was a tall, brunette figure with dark brown eyes. She smiled sarcastically at me as I passed her my forms.
“Hi! I’m Georgia!” I introduced myself happily, thrusting my hand in her face. She scrunched up her nose and took my hand.
“And you are?” She asked rudely. I frowned in disappointment but pepped up again as I looked around and noticed what a lovely old café this was. It had an old rustic feeling to it, like something you would find in the late 1800s. The walls were dark wood panels, the colour of coffee and cream. The floor was a smooth chestnut and there were sturdy beige lanterns hanging as lights. I was broken out of my observations by the sound of the Front Desk Lady clearing her throat.
“Oh. Sorry. I’m your new waitress!”
She sneered at me, before plastering on a smile and tilted her head to the side. “Oh right! Well I am Iris and I’m the store manager. I’m guessing it’s your first day?” She explained, starting to relax around me now. I bobbed my head up and down and she led me out behind the counter to a large tea room. There were two tables in the middle with four chairs surrounding each.
Behind the tables was a wide bench top covered in kitchen utensils and napkins. Beside it was large stainless steel fridge and on the other side was a proper pizza oven. Gosh, fancy tea room!
“Your apron is on that hook over there,” Iris pointed to a long rack printed with a few names, one of which on the left was mine. It was second from the left. “You can chill here until half past and just do whatever. Go crazy with the coffee machine and see if you can make a new drink!” She offered, hurriedly turning back to the counter and back to her work.
So I had half an hour to kill until my first day on the job as an 18 year old officially started. What to do first?
On the right wall beside the door hung a 48” plasma screen TV, accompanied by a bright green PlayStation 3. I knew what I was doing for half an hour! I skipped over to the large stack of PS3 games resting on a coffee table and sifted through them.
The Simpsons; Hit and Run. That is so what I’m playing! I remember playing that when I was like 15! I thought to myself as I sat cross legged on the bouncy carpet a few feet away from the TV. You couldn’t sit too close to it because you’d have to look up really high and it would hurt your neck, plus being 48”, that would be really unhealthy for my eyes. I didn’t need thicker glasses!
But then the game loaded. ‘The Simpsoooooooons!’ Sung the catchy theme tune. “Duh, duh duh, duh duh duh duh duh DUH DUH DUH DUH!” I chanted loudly, pressing the start button in order to begin playing.
There was a short scene before I had to go and get ice cream and beer for Marge, as I was playing as Homer. Weird woman.
A few minutes later, I was on Level Two with Bart. Or at least I thought it was a few minutes… I took a quick look up at the clock only to notices I’d been playing PS3 for 28 minutes! I sprang to my feet and hurried to turn off all the equipment, before sprinting to my hook and taking my apron. It was green with little embroidered flowers on the bust part…
A bell sounded from the front (not the bell from the door, the bell from the counter). I finished tying up the strings at the back of my awesome apron and faced Iris, my hands behind my back.
“Just in time, newbie!” She stated happily.
“I’m ready!”
Kitty KML II: Thanks for answering but you know, I've seen loads of authors even younger than me get published. This preview wasn't even half a chapter and you can't really tell much from it so that's why I have the link. I hate how people stereotype because of age. Publishers are looking for things they can sell and if it's good enough, they don't care about age. But thanks for your opinion, I do appreciate it
Laura Kantore: Hello! Once again, thank you for answering! About the number thing, yeah, I know. Many people have told me and i plan on fixing that up when I can be bothered. But about the sounding like a 13 year old wrote it' thing, that's the whole point. It probably would have helped to mention that the girl whose POV this is written in, has mental and learning disorders so of course she isn't going to use big complicated words. Also, this is a story meant for fun and not everything has to weave perfectly into the plot and have a great significance.
The thing about having a playstation in the tea room, somewhere later on the story it mentions that one of the employees brought that in and the TV, ditto. Some people like to have fun with other people at work. Pfft, next time I post something like this I'll make sure NOT TO PUT MY AGE. Because it seems like that's all EVERYONE cares about. Looking at the age instead of quality.
Kitty KML II: Ya, so what, not loads. I was exaggerating my point. It's possible to get published at a young age. And about agreeing with the other person, people really know how to make a person feel good, don't they? I just love that! Thanks for upping my self esteem! (Sarcasm)
frank d: Thank you very much for being generally kind about your answer. I agree some of my words are kind of sketchy :\ And I really don't think I'm ready YET but all I really want to know is if I have potential. I wasn't asking for other people to bash unnecessarily. And about the published thing, I don' really mean younger than me but sure, there are people around my age. xo Eve <3
Kitty KML II: Lol sorry I'm in such a bad mood :\ I guess studying maths makes a person a little crazy. I apologize for being so rude, it really wasn't my intention and apart from what it may sound like, I do learn from what everyone has said and I definitely appreciate it. <3