Alexa Nash
New member
I think something is wrong with me, mentally I think. I just, I don't know. Im 15 right now. In middle school people use to make fun of me a lot. And MY first kiss and first love turned out to just be using me. Im telling you this because I think this may be why I have so many problems now. Maybe. Throughout middle school I had a low self esteem, when I met my first boyfriend, for once i actually felt beautiful, confident, just amazing. Then it turned out he never liked me in the first place. I was devastated, hurt, everything. But even when he used me, And i knew he used me, it took me a hard time to get over him. Maybe because I felt like he was the only thing that made me feel something other than ugly. I then started ninth grade, stopped being made fun of, but still a low self esteem. I always had to change my outfit a million times because I wanted to make everything perfect. I had to be perfect. Wasn't asked to homecoming. And for some weird reason, I gained some fears. IM claustrophopic now and cant go into an elevator anymore. I have stage fright now. even when the teacher just asks me a question, my face goes red and i can barley mutter out a few words. Teachers always say I look serious or upset which I am not, which then made me freak out because I don't want to be percieved as mean or depressed. Now I am in tenth grade and I feel like I think about my life so much that I feel like I am losing who I am. I always try to make sure I say the right things, so much that I am forgetting who I use to be. I guess I just care so much about what people think of me that I dont want something I do or say to make them think I am weird or something. I never use to be like this. I am too nervouse to talk to any guys, and then I cry sometimes..because I am just frustrated with me and am sick of my liek and want there to be sometinh more. More to my life. This is not living to me. And talking to some people for the first time, I can never just be myself and who i am. I am just quiet and to afraid that if i speak they are going to think i am weird or something. I just want to be happy. A happy outgoinjg girl who is okay with herself and is not afraid meet people or talk infront of the class. I want to be the girl that is always smiling. ( i use to always smile when i was little) I want to be confident, and believe in myself. I just want to be myself again, the girl who i use to be. Gosh sorry I hope this makes aleast a little sense. Atleast to somebody