Henry Ford & God
Henry Ford dies and goes to Heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy, and your invention… the assembly line for the automobile… has changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.”
Ford thinks about it, and says, “I want to hang out with God Himself.” So St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.
The never-shy Ford then asks God, “When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?”
God asks, “What do you mean?”
“Well,” says Ford, “You have some major design flaws in your invention:
There’s too much front end protrusion.
It chatters way too much at high speeds.
Maintenance is extremely high.
It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
The rear end wobbles too much.
The headlights are usually too small.
And fuel consumption is outrageous.
“Hmmm…” replies God, “hold on one minute.” God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types a few key strokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report.
God then turns to Ford, and says, “It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, men make bigger fools of themselves over my invention than yours!”.
==
Let Sleeping Dogs
One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day he arrived with a response pinned to his collar: “We have ten children - he’s trying to catch up on his sleep.”.
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More Redneck Rules of Etiquette
Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
It is improper to take a beer cooler to church unless there is going to be dinner on the grounds.
Be sure that any taxidermy used as a centerpiece is free of ticks and fleas.
Do not lay rubber while in a funeral procession.
At a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires has the right of way.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer — unless she can carry enough for both of you.
Livestock is a good choice for a wedding gift only if the couple has a fence.
Overnight guests should never have to share a bed with more than one dog, unless it is a cold night.
Henry Ford dies and goes to Heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy, and your invention… the assembly line for the automobile… has changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.”
Ford thinks about it, and says, “I want to hang out with God Himself.” So St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.
The never-shy Ford then asks God, “When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?”
God asks, “What do you mean?”
“Well,” says Ford, “You have some major design flaws in your invention:
There’s too much front end protrusion.
It chatters way too much at high speeds.
Maintenance is extremely high.
It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
The rear end wobbles too much.
The headlights are usually too small.
And fuel consumption is outrageous.
“Hmmm…” replies God, “hold on one minute.” God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types a few key strokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report.
God then turns to Ford, and says, “It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, men make bigger fools of themselves over my invention than yours!”.
==
Let Sleeping Dogs
One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day he arrived with a response pinned to his collar: “We have ten children - he’s trying to catch up on his sleep.”.
=====
More Redneck Rules of Etiquette
Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
It is improper to take a beer cooler to church unless there is going to be dinner on the grounds.
Be sure that any taxidermy used as a centerpiece is free of ticks and fleas.
Do not lay rubber while in a funeral procession.
At a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires has the right of way.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer — unless she can carry enough for both of you.
Livestock is a good choice for a wedding gift only if the couple has a fence.
Overnight guests should never have to share a bed with more than one dog, unless it is a cold night.