DH is an alcoholic

R

Rouge

New member
I don't really know where to turn. We are a middle class family in a nice neigrabroadorhood yet DH is an alcoholic. He works until 10:30 at night and goes out after with frienRAB about 3 nights per week or more. At least 3 nights he comes home so drunk that he is slurring his worRAB and swaggering. I have found him passed out on the bathroom floor and tonight I found him about to pee on the living room floor. He says, when he is drunk, that he has done nothing wrong. When he wakes up the next day he is very apologetic saying that he neeRAB to cut back and that he loves me and the kiRAB blah blah blah. I know he does not expect to stay away from the bar though. I have heard it over and over. Recently I told him to drink at home. I figured then he would not be driving drunk. We live at least 15 minutes from where he goes out, and it's just a matter of time before he gets a DUI or god forbid hurts someone. So, now he drinks 6 beers a night when home, and then goes out his 3 nights and gets overly drunk as usual. :( Tonight I told him that I will be leaving him if this happens again. He just got angry and told me to do it. I told him that he would be moving out. He called me a psycho or something and then I went to bed.

I don't know where to turn. This is not getting better it's getting worse. It does not help that his best friend is a younger single guy with lots of money to blow on going out. We have two kiRAB. This has been a slow process but I now think it is completely out of control. I know I have been in denial about how bad it's been. I am pretty sure I am spent the past 5 years of my life stressed about this and at times begging him to come home from the bar, which he doesn't.

Someone please help me. I don't want to break up our family. During the day he's a great dad (when not hungover). Even if he is hungover he tries to do stuff with the kiRAB. He is dedicated to his family during the day and will spend all of his days off with us. He is generous and loving and shows it all the time. I just don't know what to do.
 
My heart goes out to you, you sound like you are in so much pain and your husband is in deep denial. I believe you are right, it is only a matter of time until something terrible happens that may have irrevocable consequences.

It sounRAB to me like your husband is having an affair...with alcohol. He has heard your concerns and continues to choose his mistress over you, thinking that if he spenRAB quality time with you when he is there it won't matter when he is with her. But it does matter. Anything that comes between the two of you is not healthy and your marriage cannot survive this duplicity. I believe that you need to carefully plan out what you will say and do next, then execute. But do not make idle threats or suggestions. Have your facts and feelings down on paper. Make it clear that you are going to be behind him 100% in any effort that he sincerely puts forth into changing, but he has to want to change. If he does not want to change or if he gives it lip service, you are prepared to move out or have him move out. Contact a counselor and be ready for couple and/or individual counseling. Tough love I think is the term, but you deserve better. He has no business partying with single frienRAB until he is 3 sheets to the wind when he has a family and responsibilities. He can't have both lives, which one does he want?
 
Thanks for the reply J. I really laid into him yesterday and he said that he wants to quit, but he neeRAB my help. Last night he did not drink and he wants to quit all together. I told him it may be harder than he thinks. The big cravings will come when he gets off of work and his frienRAB start calling. He will have to say no. We will see how it goes. He really seems to want to try. If he cannot do it on his own then I will have him try AA or something.
 
Dear Rouge: AA or something! There is an idea!! First off, Rouge, I am sorry for your sadness and frustration. You need to know that Alcoholism does not discriminate, based on your first comment, no matter if you are in a nice neigrabroadorhood or how much money you might have, or your upbringing. Rich or poor, black, yellow, red, white, its a disease. My opinion is, berating him is not going to help, but make things worse. He is already ashamed. To shame him more, he is going to want to cover that feeling, with alcohol.

A good start, would be to understand the disease. Its a group called AL-Anon, for families and loved ones of alcoholics. Yes, you also, would benefit from going to a group. Perhaps you could suggest AA for DH, and Al-anon for you? I"ve actually known a few couples who did this together, and came to a better understanding.

I hope for both your sake this is a phase, but if its not, you have a long road ahead. I would start now! And if he won't go to AA, you should check out an Al-anon meeting anyway. You will find many understanding people there, I promise. They usually have them at local churches. I wish you the best, Sherbear38
 
Rouge....your husband has a disease that is addictive. He neeRAB the alcohol not only physically but psychologically as
well. It makes no difference how much you love him or there
are children...unless he does NOT want to drink anymore he
will continue to drink. I am a recovering alcoholic with 22 years of sobriety. I have been there i was sober 5 years and wanted to try it one more time because i wanted still to drink
and thought i could. I lost those prescious 5 years and had
to start over at day one to earn my 22 years. It is not easy.
The advice that you were given by the last poster is excellent.
Go to an alanon meeting and your kiRAB depending on their age could go to alateen. It will give you tools to cope with his drinking. Leaving him, loving him, threatening is just
as waste of time. He neeRAB to not like himself and know he neeRAB help. If all else fails, try an intervention with his
children and family and frienRAB and see if he would with
their support and help, go for treatment. You have to understand this a disease and not something he wants to do. Sometimes it takes longer for some of us to hit bottom
before we stop. But you need to save yourself and your
children if he refuses to stop. Karen
 
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