Depression after a fusion....

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lynn1961

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Hi everyone........

I had my fusion done dec 16.....so a few days shy of 2 months ago. I had a 2 level ALIF. I am so depressed today. I feel so much better from my back surgery, therefore, I am wanting to do things. BUT, I can't. Simple tast just wear me out. I suppose I am rushing it and should slow myself and my thoughts down. I am very thankful that I feel better but at the same time I get depressed over things such as...not being able to super duper cleannnn!!! My husband helps me lots but it is not the same as me doing the work. I sound ungrateful I suppose :( How many others feel the same????
Like today, I did a few things in my house and tonight have to go to dinner with my husband for his work function. It is a major task to me to get fully dressed.Meaning...make-up, fix hair, find something nice to wear ect. UGH!!!!
I have to rest before i even attempt to get dressed for dinner.....I will be sooo happy when my full strength returns. Especially now that my back is better. DEVON....where are you? I need some encouragement!!!

LYNN
 
Hi Lynn and everyone,
I did have a lot of issues going on in there! But, for now everything seems to be recovering from my pre-surgery condition. And I have always healed quickly without much scarring on the outside so I'm hoping that holRAB for me on the inside with the fusion also. I've been taking my calcium and Vitamin D, Vitamin C religiously and walking, walking, walking like a maniac so I've done my part.

Yeah, I had the hard plastic down the back with the hot velcro wrap around brace. No disguising that baby! I told a friend that if I had the body of Madonna and her closet of clothes I might be able to rig up something that looked "cute" to wear out in public with the brace, but of course neither of those possibilities are happening here! But at least that is in the past for now. I, like you Lynn, have to remain positive about this fusion working and maintain a sense of humour because I can't bear the thought of having to go through this down time again!! (Nah, not happening!)

Thank you all for being out there in cyberspace. I look forward to hearing from you all and wish you all the best. Looking forward to our Mai Tai on the beach in Maui? Bahamas? Jamaica? Tahiti maybe???
Jan
 
Ha Jan...

I've been to many of the places you listed so I am ready to go to any of them :) I do think a vacation on a beach would HELP my fusion recovery :) EVEN with a long incision on my belly UGH

I wished I wouldve bought me a treadmill for my home. I was going to the gym prior to surgery and was walking the treadmill 5 days a week. And I was using the other machines as well. My daughter would often bring a book and read while walking the treadmill and I didnt know how she did that LOL Maybe I am just uncoordinated? LOL Maybe its cause I am 47 and she is 25? Just kidding, I am sure I couldve done it as well :) You said you heal quickly. I do too and was amazed at how fast my incision healed. I really didnt even hurt too much from my incision.

Yes, lets stay as positive as we can about fusing. I try to NOT worry about it. But it does cross my mind especially when going for a doc appt. Gosh, the mere thought of re-doing this.....senRAB me into a frantic. I cannot imagine having to redo this. UGHHHHH

Let's set up our vacation. You said a MAI TAI < a drink right?> on the beach in Maui.......well, I will have a Pina Colado......sheesh, I will be happy having a coke even on the beach SOMEWHERE ha.....I am from the deep south and I lived near the beach all my life. I am very much a beachy person....definately NOT a cold weather person and definately NOT a snow person. I live in MO. now and I literally hate the snow....will be glad to see spring for many reasons :) Take care girl and keep walking and stay in touch wiff me...


LYNN
 
Lynn-
Go out with your husband!!! Trust me, I hear you when you say that you need to rest before you can get dressed to go out. IT is a lot of work to get yourself ready to go out. I have had a few opportunities like that and have thought to myself "why am I doing thing" but in the end it was a huge uplift to get out of the house, see different people and enjoy some time. Stand if you need to, I have and it helps. Just enjoy the moment because they are hard but you will feel like a new person. We are all dealing with the same frusteratins and that is what is the hardest part of this recovery. I feel like a hermit in my home, which is so not me but I think I'm doing this so when spring hits or summer and I do those things I haven't enjoyed for years.
Today I changed up my routine. WOW did that make a difference. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning and walk. I'm tired of walking. So I showered and got dressed, put my laptop on the treadmill and here I am. I think after this I will start dinner. Change your routine and see if that helps! Hang in there..you are doing great!
 
Hi Lynn,
I responded to this yesterday but obviously forgot to hit the submit, but you are a lucky gal to have been to all those places. I've never been to any of them so all would be a great recovery retreat for me!!

Have you ever heard anyone who felt that their treadmill may have contributed to their disc disease? After my surgery I asked my surgeon if it was OK for me to walk on the treadmill and he frowned on it. Don't know if it was because I was only six weeks out or if he meant forever!! I'll have to ask him next time I'm there but maybe it is because I don't have the hardware and just a bone onlay fusion. He may have just been being very conservative as he doesn't seem to think the PT is a good idea either. I have a treadmill and I was using it 4 or 5 days a week on an incline and wonder if that contributed to my disc being in such bad shape. Who knows.....just wear and tear I guess! I'll be upset if I can't watch Oprah while treading though!! I've done web searches about treadmill and disc disease and can't find anything relevant to it.

SounRAB like your social calendar is hopping. I'm sure it makes you feel better each time you get out.....breaks up those long days spent in the house!!
Take care,
Jan.
 
Hi Lynn,
I'm so glad you are feeling better after your surgery. I know you must be depressed but you know its only temporary. Don't rush too much and have a set back. It just takes lots and lots of time to heal. You'll get through it. It hasn't even been a full 2 months since your surgery. You've helped so many people reading these threaRAB I hope some of us can help you with encouragement to feel better.

I'm 22 days away from my Laminectomy and scared, depressed and in pain. I keep telling myself it will be better soon.

Darby
 
Hi Lynn,
It sounRAB like you are doing really good. I know about the depression though. I am three months out from a L4-L5 fusion and just got my brace off this past week. That made a big difference as far as going out to dinner. I'm still uncomfortable sitting for long perioRAB of time so we haven't had a long night out on the town yet. I still have my days of extreme aggravation at the things I can't do YET, and have had my crying jags and angry outbursts but each day is getting better. When I have those days I try to focus on the things that I am doing now that I couldn't do both prior to the surgery and immediately afterwarRAB. I'm a long way from where I want to be but closer than I was three months ago!! Getting outdoors and walking always makes me feel better and seems to lift my spirits.

I read a response from a physician on one of my web searches that it takes up to four months for the fatigue from a major surgery to improve. I must ask my husband every day "Am I a wimp or something?" I've never thought of myself as one as I have always been independent and didn't like anyone to do my work for me. However, this has certainly been a hurabling experience and I have learned to ask for help to avoid damaging the fusion. So, guess the word for all of us is Patience, Patience, and more Patience. (It's NEVER been one of my stronger virtues!)

Hope you were able to enjoy your social occasion. Jan.
 
Thank you Darby and JanK,


Awww thank you Darby......I am trying to stay positive. I just have bad days and it gets depressing. I am a doer and it is depressing when you are feeling better but you cannot do much. I look at things in my house that need DOING and I can't do much. I have got to just slow down and THINK...before I go to wanting to do too much too soon. I have had a great recovery. I am so thankful for that. After hurting for a year every single day and then be mostly pain free, a person is just ready to go on living like they once did . I do have some projects I am looking forward to, like paining a bathroom, if i can learn PATIENCEE!!!!!! And absolutely cannot wait for spring. I dont know how much I will be able to do in my yard but, I will be able to do some. Last year I didnt feel up to doing much.

I have wondered about you actually. I think you was 1 of the first person i replyed to on here. Me and you both had RF abaltion done at the same time or maybe it was another procedure? AW and you are having surgery soon.....awww girl, just try to relax. Hopefully you will feel so much better like me. If it is successful, just think of NO PAIN! It is wonderful to wake up and have no pain. You will be so glad you had the surgery. Let me know how it goes for you. How long will your recovery be? And is it a possibility you may need something else done? I always wonder, why do some get laminectomy's and the other surgeries and why do some have a fusion? Is it different doctors opinions on it? Because I have read where some people get a laminectomy for disc herniations. And some doctors do a fusion for that. Good luck to you and come back and post if you need to...so good hearing from you :)

JanK...... I certainly feel the aggravation ugh.....Are you painfree mostly? I am also far away from where I am going to be it seems. I have mostly just surgical pain still and occasionally just have a bad pain day. BUT, most of all, I am not having the pain I was suffering from prior to surgery :) Are you showing any signs of fusing yet? I donot know how long it takes before you will see signs of fusing. Perhaps its different for all people. FATIGUE is exactly what i am having. My brain is telling me I donot hurt but my body says NO LOL
LOLLLLLat your wimp comment LOL I feel wimpy too. I always do for myself and I am having to ask my husband to do certain things which is ok really. And yes, you are correct when you say we must learn patience, as I am learing this all too well....I hope you have a great day and I am going to TRY to have a good day :) My social event last night was great and I sat through it with NO pain :)

LYNN
 
Hi Lynn et all,
I'm so glad you got out and about and enjoyed that dinner! I'm looking forward to doing that soon now that I am out of that ugly brace I could not disguise. Much easier to get up and walk around if needed when one doesn't feel so obvious!

I had my surgery due to herniated discs at L3-L4, L4-L5 with extrusion, spondylolithesis of L4 on L5, and spinal stenosis in this area. The neurosurgeon said that he was surprised at the amount of stenosis once he was in there and that things were very "tight". He did the bone onlay fusion of L4-L5 for the spondylolithesis and opted not to use hardware. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the fusion works. I'm not sure what the signs of fusing are. Are there specific physical things that let's one know that fusion is progressing? I just figured he determined that with the xrays. I'm still having some what I call 'lightening strike" type pain that is not anything consistent. I had prior to surgery nurabness of both lower extremities and problems with bladder control after I recovered from the initial onslaught of disc herniation pain (that lasted about 6 weeks). So I figure those nerves are just waking up! (and hopefully recovering functionality).
Most of my discomfort is due to muscle fatigue (and mental anguish over not being able to do things!)

Thanks Michelle for your kind thoughts and prayers. Glad to hear you are 90%. It always helps to hear of people getting on with their lives!
Jan
 
Hi Jank....

I've not never heard of anyone that felt the treadmill contibuted to a disc issue. My doctor didnot want me to immediately walk the treadmill neither. And I asked about PT and at the time, when I asked about it, he said let's wait and hold off the PT. He has never suggested I go since that conversation. My doctor apparently is not a big fan of PT. He of course told me to walk. To tell you the truth, I could do what PT was doing, at a gym. And that is exactly what I did prior to surgery < I quit PT and went to a gym and worked out> . I didnt much care for the therapist that I was working with. She said to me one day, " you are SOOOOO weak" as if to say that was just a terrible thing LOL Well DUHHH, of course my legs were super weak. I suffered major leg weakness in my legs.

Jan. what is a bone inlay fusion? My fusion does have hardware so I dont know what that is. Ive had 2 fusions, 1 in my neck and 1 in my back and both have hardware. I am full of all kinRAB of screws and plates and cages. Ive read where some people have hardware issues....I wonder how these people feel the hardware? Or if it is something a doc sees on an xray or MRI?

Ive been to many places but you know the 1 place I havent gone to is Hawaii. You listed that 1 ha Lets go to Hawaii..... I absolutely love the islanRAB. Once you go the very first time, you will be hooked We have been to many of the Carribean islanRAB. I loved them all, some more than others. So, I think we will have a cyber Hawaii vacation HA Tell hubby to get ready, we going on vacation!
 
Hey Lynn,
Would your husband understand if you didn't make the function this year?? Would you allow yourself to stay home? I understand the company thing because my husband is coporate but sitting for that long will be agonizing.
I faced depression bout my limitations about the same time as you follwing 360 two level fusion. My doc put me on Cyrabalta which changed EVERYTHING for me. I was a very active 45 year old mom of three teenage girls, active in gardening, church, hanging with my "girlies"-just always go-go-go. This surgery threw me to a dead stop. It was SO BORING! I was so frustrated I couldn't do such simple things without pain or getting worn out. I remeraber crying my eyes out during one my "Judging Amy" marathons (daytime tv sucks) and thinking I would never get my life back. Everything I took for granted was always going to be too hard now. Cyrabalta gave me back my sanity. I also looked for activities like a Bible study and book club where I could still be "active" and have something to look forward to that wouldn't wear me out so fast.
It GETS BETTER!!! I am two+ years out and I am doing 90% of what I used to do. You will be ok-it takes a lot of time time time. Patience, forgiving yourself for getting frustrated-and mostly allowing yourself to say "no-I just can't do that right now". That was really hard!!!!!!! I had to learn tho that my healing and health progress just had to come before everything else for a little while. Drove my family nuts. They were used to "Mom does everything". I just didn't want to end up back in that hospital for another round of surgery because I agreed to be assistant coach of my daughter's cheerleading squad again.
I am praying for you and Devon and all the other"newbies" who have come out of surgery in the last year- I am praying for good mental and physical health for everyone here.
Blessings,
Michelle:angel:
 
Hey Lynn,
The type of fusion that this neurosurgeon recommended is what he called a "conservative" fusion and told me that if I went to an ortho surgeon that they would probably suggest the hardware with screws and roRAB. He didn't remove the entire discs at L3-L4 or L4-L5 where the herniations were; just shaved off the protrusions/extrusions from what I understand and did some foraminotomy work on the nerve roots. He then used cadaver bone and BMP to make just a right side fusion between L4-L5. My spondylolithesis was a Grade 1 so maybe that is why he chose this procedure. He sold me on this approach as he said that is what he would choose for himself if he had to have this procedure done. I trust this guy as I use to work where he was the Chief Resident so I've known him for a long time (and he has a good reputation in the community at large).

However, (this is the part that makes me crazy), he did say that if the fusion didn't take that he might have to eventually do the screws and roRAB. So, I am going to be Veeeerrrrryyyy careful from here on out. This just has to work as I can't imagine going through this again. I had researched on all kinRAB of approaches and had pretty much told him to go ahead and do the roRAB and screws if he thought my case warranted it, but he obviously thought this would be OK once he got in there. I'm counting on his expertise!!!

I have issues with my neck also with some bulging discs at C4-C5 and C5-C6. Fortunately, they are stable as long as I don't get out and chop wood!! I love to garden though and I am afraid this spring is going to drive me nuts as I can already see all the weeRAB and trimming that neeRAB my attention.

Hawaii it is....get your sunscreen and sandals!!
Jan.
 
Lynn,
A get well party sounRAB like a blast! You did hear me right. I use my laptop on my treadmill. My husband built a shelf and sits where the arm things are. So it's sits very nicely with the laptop. I only walk at 3mph, so the hardest thing to do is use a mouse while on the treadmill. It makes the time go by faster because it is just so darn boring to walk. I don't have a TV by it either so I had to improvise. I'm glad you got out and I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. IT's amazing how much those things drain you. I have had something every night this week and I feel like I'm not well rested when I wake up in the morning. I try to look at it like this...every time I push myself it is building up some stamina, so I have to do it so I will feel better and as long as I'm not hurting my back or in pain, then it's ok. Although I will admit, sometimes I do wonder if it is worth it. LOL.
 
Lynn,

I had a fusion (L5/S1) about 2 weeks after you (Dec. 30th) and I completely understand your depression. It's really hard! I too am feeling much better and I'm always wanting to do things that I know I shouldn't be doing. In answer to your question about when the fusing process begins, I had an x-ray at my 5 week appointment and my doctor said that I am starting to fuse and things look really good. He'll take another one at my 12 week appointment. I bet that you're fusing too, since you're feeling pretty good. Are you off your pain meRAB? I still take them as needed, but I don't need to take them on a scheduled basis anymore and I felt like that was a big step. It's so hard to be inactive, but I know if I push it on one day, then the next day I just want to sleep all day. Finding the balance is key, but is also difficult...I know I haven't been able to do it yet.

Good luck and try to keep your spirits up.

Lisa
 
Hi Alpine,

My depression has been better the last few days :) I hope you are feeling ok :) I am glad to hear you are showing signs of fusing. I dont think I am showing signs as of yet, I am hoping this next appt. there will be signs of fusing. If it is an indication of my back feeling better, than I have got be fusing. I would think I wouldnt be feeling better if I wasnt fusing but maybe I am wrong? Something in there has helped LOL When I am having a REAL good day, I donot even feel like I had a major back surgery :) As far as taking my pain meRAB, I am pretty much down to just taking in the morning and at night < and the night med is not the full dose> . Occasionally, I have to take 1 during the day. I am thankful to be where I am with it all!!! I am like you.....I find it very hard to be inactive and I also pay for it the next day as well. Thats where the depression hits me ugh but, it will get better....LETS HANG IN THERE!

JanK........well sheesh girl, Was you cut in the front or back? It is best to go with a doc you fully trust when having a major surgery. And it also helped that you knew him!!!! You be very careful so that just maybe you wont have to do this again. UGH I know exactly what you mean by not imagining going through this again. As I've told you, I try not to even go there in my mind. Talking about depression! That would be more like major depression for me.

I've also had a cervical fusion 9-10 years ago and have been painfree every since. I am sorry you have that too. Do you have DDD? That is what caused my cervical and lurabar probs. UGH dont be chopping wood and have to rush into surgery to get neck fixed, if that happens, we cannot go to Hawaii :) So, be careful. I am seeing signs in my yard too that need my attention. Cannot wait to get outside when it warms up and I am better to work :) Take care girly,

LYNN
 
Hi Lynn,
It was a back approach with about a 3 inch incision. Healed up pretty quickly on that score so hopefully the inside is doing the same!!

Glad to hear you are doing so well. It helps with the depression to be able to cut back on those pain meRAB and the muscle relaxers, don't you think? I still take something at night (lower dose too) and occasionally have to take something in the late afternoon if I really get feisty......but believe me I am being careful!

I do have DDD and being a stubborn Taurus I have behaved like I didn't have it....plus a rear end car wreck....and a job that required lifting and turning folks for over 30 years (not doing that anymore!). So from now on I have to take better care of myself. I've finally decided that at 55 if I don't, I could be spending my retirement in a not so good condition! Glad you are symptom free from your neck issues. As l have been down from this surgery my neck has been behaving itself....thank goodness!! Spring is just around the corner and we have to be in shape to enjoy that...take care. Jan.
 
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