It hasn't been long since the last colossal rant I put in(this one probably won't be as big), but I feel I have to say something.
My opinions on everything change depending on my mood. I don't know if this is normal for all humans or what, but it's annoying to say the least. I've been sitting here thinking "You know what. Fuck school. Teachers, administrators, and society doesn't care whether or not I do well. It wouldn't matter if I gave in to their requirements just so it would look better on their resumes because if I got a job worth a shit, I would live with the reality if I got fired, the company wouldn't be hurt at all because they could hire someone with the same qualifications in an instant and not care about whether or not the person does a good job, as long as that person shows up to work and at least pretends to do something." But at the same time, I'm thinking "Maybe if it doesn't matter what happens, then it won't matter if I fuck up. I could try and move on if something doesn't work and make a decent living for myself and live a happy life." But then I'll go back and think "It doesn't matter if I live a happy life because I'll die with nothing and I'll die a nobody. I am nobody. What's the point of trying if you're nobody? Everybody else won't notice because they're nobodies as well trying to cope with their nothing existence. We're all nobody and yet some people think it actually matters if they're happy even though nobody cares, yet society as a whole is supposed to functioning on caring. People can put on their false smiles and give their false gratitude, but at the end of the day people are just trying to make themselves look like heroes to total strangers in order to give them some kind of power which they don't actually have because when they die, they won't have any kind of power." But then again "If there's nothing after life, then what power you have in life is important whether you have it for yourself or over others. What you do to make you happy doesn't matter as long as it doesn't make other people mad or sad."
It goes the same with what I want to do in the future too. One minute it's "I can't do this for the rest of my life, this is depressing, I need to go to school", then it's "I need to get a new job that will make me money, I know if I go to school I'll just fail it" then it's "Fuck a new job, I can't get one because nobody's going to hire me because I don't have experience with what they have and I don't need money anyway."
I can't make up my mind on anything. I end up overanalyzing every little aspect of life and leave myself paralyzed. And unfortunately, what decisions I do make don't turn out for the better because I'm never in a good enough mood to make it significantly better than my really crappy moods. I just end up doing nothing and pissing away all my days being nocturnal. I know I have to get up off my ass and make a difference but then I realize it doesn't make a difference whether or not my life is good because I still have nobody in my life who I can rely on to listen to me and respect me as a human being. All that being alone all the time gives me the perception that everyone's out having fun all the time and living a great life, when in reality, people probably aren't. They're probably sitting at home doing the same fucking thing I am most of the time, which is not a god damn thing. Watching some bullshit TV show or fiddling with a controller in their hands, or maybe plugging away at their keyboards. So if that's the case, then why not talk to me? I'll talk to you. Oh yeah, that's right, I forgot. I hate you because you won't talk to me.
THE CIRCLE NEVER ENDS. FUCK EVERYTHING.
But it must end since some people get out of it...
FUCKING SHIT
My opinions on everything change depending on my mood. I don't know if this is normal for all humans or what, but it's annoying to say the least. I've been sitting here thinking "You know what. Fuck school. Teachers, administrators, and society doesn't care whether or not I do well. It wouldn't matter if I gave in to their requirements just so it would look better on their resumes because if I got a job worth a shit, I would live with the reality if I got fired, the company wouldn't be hurt at all because they could hire someone with the same qualifications in an instant and not care about whether or not the person does a good job, as long as that person shows up to work and at least pretends to do something." But at the same time, I'm thinking "Maybe if it doesn't matter what happens, then it won't matter if I fuck up. I could try and move on if something doesn't work and make a decent living for myself and live a happy life." But then I'll go back and think "It doesn't matter if I live a happy life because I'll die with nothing and I'll die a nobody. I am nobody. What's the point of trying if you're nobody? Everybody else won't notice because they're nobodies as well trying to cope with their nothing existence. We're all nobody and yet some people think it actually matters if they're happy even though nobody cares, yet society as a whole is supposed to functioning on caring. People can put on their false smiles and give their false gratitude, but at the end of the day people are just trying to make themselves look like heroes to total strangers in order to give them some kind of power which they don't actually have because when they die, they won't have any kind of power." But then again "If there's nothing after life, then what power you have in life is important whether you have it for yourself or over others. What you do to make you happy doesn't matter as long as it doesn't make other people mad or sad."
It goes the same with what I want to do in the future too. One minute it's "I can't do this for the rest of my life, this is depressing, I need to go to school", then it's "I need to get a new job that will make me money, I know if I go to school I'll just fail it" then it's "Fuck a new job, I can't get one because nobody's going to hire me because I don't have experience with what they have and I don't need money anyway."
I can't make up my mind on anything. I end up overanalyzing every little aspect of life and leave myself paralyzed. And unfortunately, what decisions I do make don't turn out for the better because I'm never in a good enough mood to make it significantly better than my really crappy moods. I just end up doing nothing and pissing away all my days being nocturnal. I know I have to get up off my ass and make a difference but then I realize it doesn't make a difference whether or not my life is good because I still have nobody in my life who I can rely on to listen to me and respect me as a human being. All that being alone all the time gives me the perception that everyone's out having fun all the time and living a great life, when in reality, people probably aren't. They're probably sitting at home doing the same fucking thing I am most of the time, which is not a god damn thing. Watching some bullshit TV show or fiddling with a controller in their hands, or maybe plugging away at their keyboards. So if that's the case, then why not talk to me? I'll talk to you. Oh yeah, that's right, I forgot. I hate you because you won't talk to me.
THE CIRCLE NEVER ENDS. FUCK EVERYTHING.
But it must end since some people get out of it...
FUCKING SHIT
