Day 2 perc..again

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Mecan

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Hi everyone. I used these boarRAB back in July to clean myself up. Well, i did good until deceraber and then i "treated" myself. I thought i had "control" over my addiction and would only treat... and here i am only 2 days clean and feeling like the bottom of the barrel. I apologize to all who helped me before and any worRAB of encouragment to come are welcome.
 
thanks so much guys. Tommy, you are right on it is so very selfish! Dorskin thanks alot dude its not as bad so far, only 2 days, but hoping wont be as bad as last july 4th when i detoxed "for good". And secrets thanks so much for your support and prayers, everyones support and prayers in the past were priceless!!!! i kinda feel ashamed to be here on the recieving end of the support again, though i know i shouldnt feel that way. before i talk in circles ima go try and rest a bit, thanks SO much everyone we all know how important it is to have someone supporting ya!!
I will certainley keep yas posted
~Mecan
 
Hey again!

You are certainly welcome! I know what you are going thru and I seriously would not wish this on my WORST enemy.. Well.. maybe.. HAHAHA I AM KIDDING. Just wanted to make you smile.

I am sure you do feel kind of crappy about all of this but you know what? Live and learn... It's all going to be okay and we are all here to help you thru it. I swear.. had it not been for this board I think I would have exploded from the inside out... That is no joke.. This is my only outlet and you guys are the only ones who know about my addiction... I am such a coward I can't bring myself to tell anyone in RL about this..

I don't have computer access until Monday unless I use one at a family meraber house so I will try to check in over the weekend but i don't know if it will be possible or not.. Just know.. I am thinking about you and truly wishing you the best. You deserve it! Just remeraber that!

~Secrets
 
in a short month i was up to 3 30mg perc a day again. I know whats to come and kicking myself for letting it happen. I guess im posting this to let anyone who has recently quit know how easy it is to fall back into the mix. i WILL do it this time and NO treating myself, that was the stupidest thing ive ever done. I hop-e everyone is having a better day than I.
ugh what a dissapointment i am.

Mecan
 
Mecan, You hang in there. If you remeraber we both were going thru this in July and I am sober now for months. There was this one day I did think I could treat myself to one pill, because I just knew I could handle it and I wanted to show myself that this addiction was not as strong as me and I was wrong. Thank God I got over it and so will you and the main thing is you are sober now, so KUDOS to you for that. I have been with pain pills everyday because I'm taking care of my son and at first it was hard some, but I just told myself what they did to me before and I didn't want to go there again. You have my prayers and I'm sending you a big hug, we all need one sometimes. LOL, Fiesty
 
Don;t bash yourself for a relapse - consider it a part of your story - we are not perfect but perfectly human!!!

Be kind and gentle to yourself!!

Congrats!
 
Mecan, No I didn't treat myself and that is when I quit counting how many days I had been clean. The day counting is what triggered me to reward myself, so I quit, now I'm not saying not to count the days, but for me it didn't help and I did much better when I quit marking the calender. I broke my finger in 3 places right after that when my husband was in the hospital and I went down to the ER and for once I was honest with the doc there about my addiction and he gave me enough lorcets for the pain and I took them when needed for 2 days and actually flushed the rest, that was one of the happiest days of my life. I was scared to death when I took them, but the pain was horrible and I knew I needed some relief. It was the first time in years I took them the right way and I haven't had any since, but when I first started trying to get off them I cheated alot and fell off the wagon many times and finally when I got honest with myself I did alot better. As you know honesty is the hardest thing an addict can handle. I'm with lorcets everyday because of my son's injury, because he was pinned between 2 cars due to a 18yr old driver on alcohol, xanax and pot and my son is on alot of pain meRAB, at first it was hard and then I just remeraber what I went thru and I get thru another day. So you see, we all have our ups and downs, but you are doing great, you are being honest with yourself and others, so don't beat yourself up. Sending much love, hugs and prayers your way. LOL, Fiesty
 
Hey Mecan!

I am sorry to hear about the situation you are in! I think that is one I fear the most! However, as you know you will find plenty of support and help here!

I have learned and read though over the last few months that relapse is common and its best not to dwell on it but move forward and work on a new sober life! I am sure you know that though!

Well Mecan, I look forward to getting to know you... I am still new to this whole sober life thing too!! I was severely addicted to Oxycontin and Percocet for a long time and now I am finally recovering! I am on day 57 now and feel really good. However, I still struggle with the cravings and what not.. I just keep thinking about my goals for the future and it keeps me strong!

You will be in my thoughts and prayer!
~Secrets
 
first im so sorry to hear about your sons injury fiest :(
i remeraber when i quit counting days too but i dont know if that hurt or helped me. today i am feeling pretty darn good other than a rough mornin. thanks to all of you for your support i needed that nudge to get this goin again!!! im still waitin to feel that goodness that i felt after a month or 2 clean. And GRATS on controlling yourself fiest, amiRABt everything going on in your life atm. that is a scary situation that not many would have been as dicipline as yourself!
thx to nikka and liz too every post helped guys thx again!

Also, man it is too true about training your brain ect. when im going at it 100% i forget about it all(pills, detox, ect), keeping busy is the best thing for me right now heheh .
 
Unfortunately for many of us, relapse is just another part of the recovery process. We think we can "treat" ourselves, or as another poster stated, we want to prove we have a handle on it. There are countless other reasons for relapse, but the main thing is that you clirabed back on the wagon.

Please don't beat yourself up any more, just remeraber this the next time you feel like using. Insanity is defined by AA as repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results. You now know that you can't "treat" yourself or it will lead down the same path you worked so hard to get off of. Now it is up to you to break that cycle of insanity.

You should be really proud of yourself for getting back on the wagon and having those 2 days clean.

Take care and I will be praying for you.

Liz
 
Mecan, Thank-you for worRAB about my son, this has been the hardest test I've been thru. I'm not mainly talking about being around the lorcets, but the test of trying to understand and have sympathy for the 18yr old. Because I am an addict I'm trying not to judge or hate but it's been hard. I try not to look at him thru ignorant eyes that alot of people look at us addicts, because they don't understand, but it's hard as a mother and grandmother to try. My son pushed 3 children out of the way and one was his son, who is still having nightmares and guilt feeling because he feels it's his fault daddy got hurt. The boy hit my son, then backed up and hit him again, it broke 1 leg in 2 places and crushed the muscles in the other. He's had 3 surgeries, the one muscle was hanging out and we did everything, but it got infected and the muscle rotted, the smell was terrible and finally it just fell out. There is still a chance the leg will have to be amputated, if we can't get the infection under control. He is 32yrs old and is permantly damaged and it will be a year before we know if he will ever be able to work again and it's not looking good. He will always have a limp and the leg with the damaged muscles, the calf will always be smaller. He has 2 children, a girl and boy and a wife and they are having it hard financially right now, it takes awhile for insurance to kick in and his medical bills are already over $100,000. His father and I are helping the best we can financially and we are draining our account, but he's our baby and we'll just drain it all. All of this makes it hard for me to forgive the boy, but I'm trying and trying not to have bad feelings toward him. He has 3 felony charges against him and four smaller ones, so he hasn't only ruined my sons life, but his own to, he will go to prison, because it was hit and run and he hid from the law. This has showed me what drugs can and will do to you, I am going to demand that while in prison he gets drug re-hab in depth. I'm sorry I've been bending your ear, thanks for listening. He's in a hospital bed(we put it in the middle of his living room) and can't even try to walk yet, he has to use a bed-pan and it's erabarrising for him because I have to do it, it will be 8 more wks before he can try to get up and we have no idea how many more surgeries he will have to endure. Well I have to give him a shot now and change the bandage again. May God bless you and everyone on this board for you worRAB of love, caring and support and letting me rarable. LOL, Fiesty
 
well its monday morning and i feel "ok". thanks for all your support everyone. it is so very tough, not as horrible as last time but still is very uncomfortable to say the least. im at work and my head is still a little down on itself but ill get over that. fiesty did you "treat" yourself or did you control your urge? and yes i absolutly remeraber ya! Im stoked so many of you are doing well as well!
i will NOT beat myself up and going to do my best to keep a solid happy attitude today and not break down at work lol, im sure if you have had to detox at work you know what im talking about. thanks again guys i will do it this time for GOOD!! i remeraber too well how great i felt after a month or two, re-reading some of my posts are depressing, while other of my posts are proof i can do this!
thanks again everyone ill be checking in most the day im assuming :)
 
First of all i'd like to say good job on having 2 days under your belt! I know how hard it is to deal with withdraws, and you have a huge task in front of you. I've been there, withdrew and i'm never going back! The key is to remeraber who you were, before you bit the apple! don't you wanna be that person again? You can, but this is what you have to go trough to become that person. Believe me i feel for ya, and i've been there, and if i can do it so can you! You have to start creating new memories for yourself, and the best memorie is winning this fight. withdrawing is just the begining, because guess what? if you can do it, which i know you can, you have to deal with your problems without that escape. When you start facing your problems, and winning, thats making a good memorie! i know its hard, but trust me you will feel normal again! I did it, and i chose to do it alone, and i couldn't be prouder! Just be thankful for all god gave you, which is the beauity of life. addicition is a selfish thing!
 
Hey Mecan, good to hear you're back on the wagon. Staying sober has got to be one of the hardest things to do. No one is perfect, we have all fallen, that is why we are here. We found we couldn't do this on our own and have found that support from other addicts helps. We can all relate to the horror you are going through right now, I know I can. But this will end and you will begin to feel "sane". I wish you the best of luck and keep us posted on your progress and what you are feeling.

Good luck
d
 
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