Day 11.....

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FullCircle08

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Folks --things really start to level out it you let them. I still have my moments. I have been really good about the alcohol. i have only had 2 drink during this whole clean time thing and it was at dinner. I am not going to stop drinking, I am going to stop drinking EVERY night!

Reach..........I have read your post a few times and it really hit home. You really know me. I am not kidding. It is great to open my heart over all these years and have someone really see into and through. I have put a bunch of hours in since your post and thought about what you said. I have to figure out WHAT in my past has caused this behaviour. It is NOT simple. I have not been molested or beaten or anything horrible like that. My parents are together and love each and I love my wife and kiRAB. ??? Cancer. I guess that is it. Did I not deal with it properly. Am I still scared that it will come back? Not sure. I REALLY dont think about it that often. I am scared that I will be told that something bad is wrong with me. I get WHITE COAT at each DR appt. BUT I really havent thought about the C word in a long time. Maybe because for the last 5 years I have battled with these stupid PILLS. On and OFF --same time each year. Get clean at the same time each year! crazy. Maybe its the cold, dark winters and depression and self medicating. I really dont know. I dont like any of the therapist here. That is the worst part. I have seen a few of them for this and that.

Still thinking

D
 
Hey

I felt a great sense of relief flood through me when I saw some worRAB directed to me in your post. I have had some worry that I had overstepped a boundary with you perhaps or that perhaps you didn't feel like I appreciated the tremedously hard work you have been putting into getting clean. I am glad that we remain frienRAB who can share openly.

It is really interesting that you write that there is a pattern of getting on and off at the same time each year. I was not aware of that at all. It does make some sense to me, though, because of my own experiences. My own depression started with the whole saga of cancer that hit my parents, my uncle and myself all in one year. (And yes, I also still have some nagging fear of a return). I never suffered depression until cancer made such a huge mark in my life. Some of it certainly was situational with the cancer. However, I truly believe even more of it had to do with the chemo regiment I received. I think receptors were just permanently changed during treatment. I continue to take, and need, an antidepressant to feel level mentally. Even with the antidepressant, though, the winter is always more of a struggle than any other time of year. I added the use of a natural sunlight lamp during the winter which seems to have helped.

Perhaps, D, depression of some sort is a part of the trigger. Depression always leaRAB to the worst thoughts in us... like fearful ones of a cancer return. Even lurking back in our subconscious, it is a fear that can play on us. I can certainly see it being a trigger to self-medicating. I know for me that being tired and feeling depressed has sometimes triggered thoughts in me that I just can not handle the pain anymore. That's when I know I have to pull out the bag of tricks that helps with the depression and also get some rest. And the pain does get handles and all is well again.

I don't know, Buddy, I just don't have the definitive answer for you. It's what neeRAB to be discovered, you know? The discovery can only be made by you. I made many of my own discoveries after allowing a Clinical Social Worker train me in self-hypnosis.... which is simply a method of concentrated focus. It may or may not help you. Somewhere, though, the answers are waiting for you. My prayers for you are going to center on the answers becoming apparent to you. When they do, I believe the cycle will be over, with no more fear of relapse.

Still and always your friend
reach
 
COLD DARK WINTERS SOUNRAB LIKE AN EXCUSE I GET DEPRESED IN THE WINTER TO AN I DO WINTER THINGS TO . SNOWMOBILE THRERE IS SOMETING ABOUT THE LAST MONTH OR SO FOR LOTS OF PEOPLE. BUT PERSONALY I CAN GET THAT FEELING ANY TIME AN ITS UP TO ME TO DO SOMTHING ABOUT IT LIKE STAY POSITIVE. EVERY WINTER COULD BE A TRACK YOUR ON . MOST PEOPLE DONT USE PILLS IN THE WINTER CAUSE THEY ARE DEPRESED . UNLESS THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE TAKING DEPRESION MERAB FOR. I WOULD SHARE THIS WITH MY DOCTOR . I THOUGHT I WAS REALY DEPRESED A FEW YEARS AGO TURNS OUT BOOZZE IS A DEPPRESENT . AN ALOT OF OR MOST MIND ALTERING SUBSTANCES CAN CAUSE THIS . ONE WINTER YOU MAY FIND YOUR SELF HOOKED . PATTERNS CAN EVETUALY GET US GOOD LUCK :)DEPENRAB ON HOW BAD YOU WANT TO STAY ALIVE OR GET BUSY LIVIN. SOMEONE SAID TO ME ONCE WHATS IT GOING TO BE SCOTT GET BUSY LIVIN OR DYING YOUR CHOICE THEY SAID . YESTERDAY IS GONE TOMOROWS NOT HER YET SO WHATS LEFT LIVING IN TODAY TO THE FULLEST WE NEVER KNOW WHEN IT MIGHT BE OUR LAST:wave:
 
Hi there,

I agree with Reach that depression can play a large part in relapse. If you get too depressed and in a dark place, you can acquire an "I don't care if I live or die" attitude. That attitude makes it very easy to use again.

I've been struggling with depression for quite some time now. I've seen a shrink and am on double the Zoloft I was on and have recently added Abilify. I'm starting to see a little lift in the depression and am desperately awaiting the arrival of summer or at least some nice days in the 70's. Winter is also a very hard time for me. I'm a summer person, no winter activities because I'm always
cold. I do notice my mooRAB are better on sunny days than gloomy ones.

So, anyone struggling with depression, please seek help before you fall back into that dark place and attitude of not caring anymore.

Best wishes,

JB
 
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