Hi,
Firstly- please no rude comments- I need help.
I have been to therapy when 1 was 19-22, because i was in emotionally and sometimes physical (restraining me on the bed, forbidding me to leave the house, trying to electrocute me, wreckless driving, pushing, throwing things at me, bashing walls and doors down around me but never actually hitting me).
My therapist said that i was attracted to these men because of how mydad was. when i think back he wasnt too bad? But i know i still try to seek his validation. The main things he would do- yell at me infront of my friends, name call me 'stupid little bItch', name call my mum and yell at her all the time, never really spend quality time with me, would tell me to 'cover up' or 'put a bra on' in front of all his friends when i was 12, say men only want one thing, never take an interest in the things i loved...only if i won. If i didnt win he would tell me 'not to make excuses' and wouldnt talk to me, he would severely bash my family pet, hit my mum, threated to leave often and say things like 'you'll be sorry when im dead.'
When i was 9 i heard about the 'bloody mary' urban legend. I was terrified that if i told him he would kill himself by doing it. I used to hear things as a little girl as well and always had nightmares.
When i was 17, i lied once and i did get into trouble- was attacked by random ppl. He found out about it and yelled what a sl@g i was and didnt talk to me for a week. Until I arranged to move house. then he realised i was grown up and spoke to me. I thought he was going to bash me...so did mum.
I always feel i can never do good enough for him. Until i got my degree in psychology (ha ha yea i know! I should know better!) then all of a sudden he was 'proud' but gets dissappointed when I dont want to do masters or become a doctor. I am a counsellor now (voluntary) and i know i am not emotionally secure enough to be one so i am trying to get into HR or accounting...so i dont do damage to any clients in my care! That isnt good enough for him.
He moved to a different state. Isolated my mum. She gave up everything. friends, family, work etc. He now works away and she is stuck on a farm. alone. my sister and i live in his house that we grew up in but wont let me move out because that would be 'selfish' of me and tehy will have to sell one of the houses.
I tried to kill myself once but failed. Mum and sister found out and didnt talk to me at all for 2 weeks. even now (it was 2 years ago) they think i am crazy. Mum would always tell me she wants to leave dad. that he moved her to a farm because 'no one will find her there when he buries her'...he started to grab her and push her again. He hadn't done that in about 15years.
Mum acts like she hates me, because i have been in abusive relationships and i leave the guys...usually. I also stand up to dad and try to show her he is controlling and i want to move out but she says im selfish. So does my sister. I am the 'crazy outcast'. I feel so stuck. I understand abuse, but sometimes i minimise it and when my dad is sweet and nice i forget it and convince myself i am selfish. then i think...i almost 25...i should be able to move out if i want to. They just say 'we have done all this for you and you just throw it in our faces'...but i know that their money comes with a control tag (i know that they have worked hard! i dont want to minimise that!)
Now tho, i am in the most abusive relationship i have ever been in. I cant tell anyone. i cant leave. My family will disown me because of legal stuff with him. I will lose my career (i dodnt mind what job i do but i need to have enough money to survive on my own). This new guy berates me for days on end about what a sl@g i am, i am cheating, i dont care about him and that i cant leave as he will killhimself, or will get violent and nasty. He is also an alcoholic. I cant leave tho because of the legal things...i may even go to jail. and he knows this. its all my fault!
I dont know how to get out of it. Do you think that my dad was abusive? Do you think thats why i am doing the same thing over again? I used to be scared of being alone. Now though i am worried about getting out alive, the safety of my family and my family disowning me.
I feel like working at uni to change my career, working full time and just trying to stick it out for 4 months, til i can transfer to a different state uni and i have enough money to support myself. I am scared that my family are right. I am the psycho. But i feel like i keep making mistakes becxause i am trying to work thru past abuse.
Surely if i want to move at 25 i should. What am i waiting for?! Maybe u should talk less to my partner about my plans and get a second casual job and just tell my parents i am moving mid year and they will have to rent to someone else
Firstly- please no rude comments- I need help.
I have been to therapy when 1 was 19-22, because i was in emotionally and sometimes physical (restraining me on the bed, forbidding me to leave the house, trying to electrocute me, wreckless driving, pushing, throwing things at me, bashing walls and doors down around me but never actually hitting me).
My therapist said that i was attracted to these men because of how mydad was. when i think back he wasnt too bad? But i know i still try to seek his validation. The main things he would do- yell at me infront of my friends, name call me 'stupid little bItch', name call my mum and yell at her all the time, never really spend quality time with me, would tell me to 'cover up' or 'put a bra on' in front of all his friends when i was 12, say men only want one thing, never take an interest in the things i loved...only if i won. If i didnt win he would tell me 'not to make excuses' and wouldnt talk to me, he would severely bash my family pet, hit my mum, threated to leave often and say things like 'you'll be sorry when im dead.'
When i was 9 i heard about the 'bloody mary' urban legend. I was terrified that if i told him he would kill himself by doing it. I used to hear things as a little girl as well and always had nightmares.
When i was 17, i lied once and i did get into trouble- was attacked by random ppl. He found out about it and yelled what a sl@g i was and didnt talk to me for a week. Until I arranged to move house. then he realised i was grown up and spoke to me. I thought he was going to bash me...so did mum.
I always feel i can never do good enough for him. Until i got my degree in psychology (ha ha yea i know! I should know better!) then all of a sudden he was 'proud' but gets dissappointed when I dont want to do masters or become a doctor. I am a counsellor now (voluntary) and i know i am not emotionally secure enough to be one so i am trying to get into HR or accounting...so i dont do damage to any clients in my care! That isnt good enough for him.
He moved to a different state. Isolated my mum. She gave up everything. friends, family, work etc. He now works away and she is stuck on a farm. alone. my sister and i live in his house that we grew up in but wont let me move out because that would be 'selfish' of me and tehy will have to sell one of the houses.
I tried to kill myself once but failed. Mum and sister found out and didnt talk to me at all for 2 weeks. even now (it was 2 years ago) they think i am crazy. Mum would always tell me she wants to leave dad. that he moved her to a farm because 'no one will find her there when he buries her'...he started to grab her and push her again. He hadn't done that in about 15years.
Mum acts like she hates me, because i have been in abusive relationships and i leave the guys...usually. I also stand up to dad and try to show her he is controlling and i want to move out but she says im selfish. So does my sister. I am the 'crazy outcast'. I feel so stuck. I understand abuse, but sometimes i minimise it and when my dad is sweet and nice i forget it and convince myself i am selfish. then i think...i almost 25...i should be able to move out if i want to. They just say 'we have done all this for you and you just throw it in our faces'...but i know that their money comes with a control tag (i know that they have worked hard! i dont want to minimise that!)
Now tho, i am in the most abusive relationship i have ever been in. I cant tell anyone. i cant leave. My family will disown me because of legal stuff with him. I will lose my career (i dodnt mind what job i do but i need to have enough money to survive on my own). This new guy berates me for days on end about what a sl@g i am, i am cheating, i dont care about him and that i cant leave as he will killhimself, or will get violent and nasty. He is also an alcoholic. I cant leave tho because of the legal things...i may even go to jail. and he knows this. its all my fault!
I dont know how to get out of it. Do you think that my dad was abusive? Do you think thats why i am doing the same thing over again? I used to be scared of being alone. Now though i am worried about getting out alive, the safety of my family and my family disowning me.
I feel like working at uni to change my career, working full time and just trying to stick it out for 4 months, til i can transfer to a different state uni and i have enough money to support myself. I am scared that my family are right. I am the psycho. But i feel like i keep making mistakes becxause i am trying to work thru past abuse.
Surely if i want to move at 25 i should. What am i waiting for?! Maybe u should talk less to my partner about my plans and get a second casual job and just tell my parents i am moving mid year and they will have to rent to someone else