Desultory Panoply
New member
I need help. I've had this since I was twelve—known what started both, and the problem was resolved. However.. the cutting didn't stop, and the anxiety started showing up in other places..
And that's where the problems start. The thing that I really need help with handling. When I start freaking out.. it's like I'm not even myself.. It's almost as if I'm watching myself from somewhere else.. and I'm watching through a cloudy mirror that I can't seem to get past. I know that I'm panicking, I know I'm scared, I know I want it to stop but.. somehow, behind that veil of smoke and glass, the feelings don't quite.. reach me. I'm calm, but I'm also not. Does.. that make any sense? It's a weird sensation..and it's unsettling a little. But while I'm watching myself through the smokey mirror, nothing seems to bother me. Even though the /me/ that I'm watching is freaking out.
I'm watching myself freak out, and the me that I'm watching is scared and wants it to stop. Maybe it's from past experience.. that I know that pain can break through the mist..even though it takes a while. Because usually when I get this far back behind the mirror.. the self that I'm watching ends up hurting herself.. usually by slicing her arm up one way or another. And if there's nothing to use to cut, she'll dig her nails into her skin, or even punch herself.
And usually a little bit after that.. the smoke starts to rise, and the mirror clears until the next thing I know I'm /me/, and I'm hurt, and drained, and /scared/ from what happened. I hate it when it happens. I want it to stop - I can't keep doing this! I hate worrying over little things, or nothing at all, and I hate the thoughts of death that always seem to plague me! I just.. I can't stand this anymore!
I know I sound insane but.. I swear, I'm not.. I'm a normal teenager just like anyone else.. who.. just.. doesn't see the world like everyone else does. I still laugh, and smile, and talk with friends. I'm in my junior year of high school, which I'm being forged to take online but.. I'm still normal. I just.. I don't like thinking the way I do. Thinking that someone's talking about me, or is lying about what they say to me. That's one reason I don't like even talking about anything that might be wrong. I know people judge. I know that they don't care. I know that in their minds, they roll their eyes and think, 'just another over-dramatic teenager'.
Please, just hear me out. I'm sixteen, female, and I have been falling farther and farther behind the sheen of smoke since I was twelve. I'm afraid to let this keep going, because I'm afraid I'll lose myself. I'm afraid to talk to someone about this, because I'm not stupid.. this sounds insane. I don't want to tell my parents. What would I tell them? I told my mom that I had anxiety a few days ago, and the only thing she told me was that it wasn't something that was going to go away, that she had it to, and that it was going to be a constant battle and that was that. I didn't go in depth like this, but that shows my mom can't do anything about it.
I.. Please. Anything could help.
And that's where the problems start. The thing that I really need help with handling. When I start freaking out.. it's like I'm not even myself.. It's almost as if I'm watching myself from somewhere else.. and I'm watching through a cloudy mirror that I can't seem to get past. I know that I'm panicking, I know I'm scared, I know I want it to stop but.. somehow, behind that veil of smoke and glass, the feelings don't quite.. reach me. I'm calm, but I'm also not. Does.. that make any sense? It's a weird sensation..and it's unsettling a little. But while I'm watching myself through the smokey mirror, nothing seems to bother me. Even though the /me/ that I'm watching is freaking out.
I'm watching myself freak out, and the me that I'm watching is scared and wants it to stop. Maybe it's from past experience.. that I know that pain can break through the mist..even though it takes a while. Because usually when I get this far back behind the mirror.. the self that I'm watching ends up hurting herself.. usually by slicing her arm up one way or another. And if there's nothing to use to cut, she'll dig her nails into her skin, or even punch herself.
And usually a little bit after that.. the smoke starts to rise, and the mirror clears until the next thing I know I'm /me/, and I'm hurt, and drained, and /scared/ from what happened. I hate it when it happens. I want it to stop - I can't keep doing this! I hate worrying over little things, or nothing at all, and I hate the thoughts of death that always seem to plague me! I just.. I can't stand this anymore!
I know I sound insane but.. I swear, I'm not.. I'm a normal teenager just like anyone else.. who.. just.. doesn't see the world like everyone else does. I still laugh, and smile, and talk with friends. I'm in my junior year of high school, which I'm being forged to take online but.. I'm still normal. I just.. I don't like thinking the way I do. Thinking that someone's talking about me, or is lying about what they say to me. That's one reason I don't like even talking about anything that might be wrong. I know people judge. I know that they don't care. I know that in their minds, they roll their eyes and think, 'just another over-dramatic teenager'.
Please, just hear me out. I'm sixteen, female, and I have been falling farther and farther behind the sheen of smoke since I was twelve. I'm afraid to let this keep going, because I'm afraid I'll lose myself. I'm afraid to talk to someone about this, because I'm not stupid.. this sounds insane. I don't want to tell my parents. What would I tell them? I told my mom that I had anxiety a few days ago, and the only thing she told me was that it wasn't something that was going to go away, that she had it to, and that it was going to be a constant battle and that was that. I didn't go in depth like this, but that shows my mom can't do anything about it.
I.. Please. Anything could help.