Critiques on this poem i wrote?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Ari
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Ari

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great poem, thought provoking. Sounds a very appropriate title but perhaps unveil this for us:
'Vivacity with Real Life Cronies'
I really love the sense of devastation and resignation expressed by these lines:

And now, Our bond is but a memory
and the only thing that's left
is the same ol' Misery
I had before You came to be

You have great skill and talent.
 
Affliction

I remember when I was lost
and My soul was in the whirlwind
It was at this unexpecting moment
that You and I became more than
Friends, closer than of a kin
But then as time passes distantly by
You discovered the art of
'Vivacity with Real Life Cronies'
So You absent Yourself frequently
and with this You forgot about Me
And now, Our bond is but a memory
and the only thing that's left
is the same ol' Misery
I had before You came to be
 
I love the words and the idea behind this poem. Really good work.

The only thing I have an issue with is where you break up the lines. I feel like I'm having to stop suddenly in the middle of a sentence, instead of having it flow smoothly.
 
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