I did a writing exercise where I took a scene from a movie and wrote it in a storytelling format. I asked this question before, but I fixed the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv0b9TxAtG4
Here's my "adaptation":
The Man with No Name leaned against the saloon’s wooden post, a fresh cigarillo hanging from the corner of his mouth. His thin eyes scanned the barroom watching the local pissants of drunks and prostitutes chatting and drinking, but he wasn’t concerned about them, his focus was on the newcomers.
There were three of them, men from Indio’s gang, and they slumped in a row over the saloon counter smoking cigarettes and throwing back shots of whiskey. One of them was a rotund Mexican who had a thick beard and sported a giant black sombrero. The second member was a tanned man with long gray sideburns and slanted eyes. In between the two of them stood the third member, a hunchback, and his grotesque hump stuck out from underneath his shirt like four fists lumped together. The Man with No Name knew their bounties were worth at least a thousand each, but what he didn’t know was why they were in town and out in public. He struck a matchstick and lit his cigarillo. He narrowed his eyes. A curious sight piqued his interest.
The other bounty hunter, The Man in Black, approached behind them unnoticed. He pulled out a matchstick and struck it against the hunchback’s hump using the friction of his shirt strap to light it. The hunchback raised his head, expressionless, but surprised. The other two members turned their heads while the hunchback turned himself around to see his agitator.
The bartender ducked behind the counter expecting a fight to ensue, but no one threw a punch or fired their gun, the only reaction the hunchback gave was his twitching face.
The Man in Black held the lighted matchstick between his fingertips and then put a Calabash pipe to his mouth. He started to kindle it, but the hunchback blew out the matchstick’s flame before he could light it, leaving only a trace of smoke. The Man in Black raised his eyes to the hunchback and saw his lips curl in disgust. The hunchback reached for his holster to pull out his gun, but the Mexican steadied his hand gesturing him to stop. The Man in Black shifted his eyes to the Mexican and then to the hunchback. He furrowed his brows. The hunchback sneered, disappointed, but he stood there clutching on to his pride.
The Man in Black tossed aside his extinguished matchstick, his eyes keeping fixed on the hunchback’s. The hunchback raised his cigarette to his mouth for a smoke, hoping to relieve his tension, but The Man in Black snatched the cigarette from his hand as if he were picking a flower. The hunchback’s eyes widened and he rushed to pull out his gun, but the Mexican grabbed his hand before he could unholster it. The Man in Black lit his pipe using the cigarette. He puffed it with mild content still keeping his eyes on the hunchback, and then when he was finished offered the cigarette back.
The hunchback glared at him, his pale blue eyes darkening into a raging storm, but after a few moments he walked away rejecting the cigarette. The other two members followed after him ignoring The Man in Black. The Man with No Name was still slumped against the wooden post, and he watched them as they all stepped out of the saloon.
So, yay or nay?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv0b9TxAtG4
Here's my "adaptation":
The Man with No Name leaned against the saloon’s wooden post, a fresh cigarillo hanging from the corner of his mouth. His thin eyes scanned the barroom watching the local pissants of drunks and prostitutes chatting and drinking, but he wasn’t concerned about them, his focus was on the newcomers.
There were three of them, men from Indio’s gang, and they slumped in a row over the saloon counter smoking cigarettes and throwing back shots of whiskey. One of them was a rotund Mexican who had a thick beard and sported a giant black sombrero. The second member was a tanned man with long gray sideburns and slanted eyes. In between the two of them stood the third member, a hunchback, and his grotesque hump stuck out from underneath his shirt like four fists lumped together. The Man with No Name knew their bounties were worth at least a thousand each, but what he didn’t know was why they were in town and out in public. He struck a matchstick and lit his cigarillo. He narrowed his eyes. A curious sight piqued his interest.
The other bounty hunter, The Man in Black, approached behind them unnoticed. He pulled out a matchstick and struck it against the hunchback’s hump using the friction of his shirt strap to light it. The hunchback raised his head, expressionless, but surprised. The other two members turned their heads while the hunchback turned himself around to see his agitator.
The bartender ducked behind the counter expecting a fight to ensue, but no one threw a punch or fired their gun, the only reaction the hunchback gave was his twitching face.
The Man in Black held the lighted matchstick between his fingertips and then put a Calabash pipe to his mouth. He started to kindle it, but the hunchback blew out the matchstick’s flame before he could light it, leaving only a trace of smoke. The Man in Black raised his eyes to the hunchback and saw his lips curl in disgust. The hunchback reached for his holster to pull out his gun, but the Mexican steadied his hand gesturing him to stop. The Man in Black shifted his eyes to the Mexican and then to the hunchback. He furrowed his brows. The hunchback sneered, disappointed, but he stood there clutching on to his pride.
The Man in Black tossed aside his extinguished matchstick, his eyes keeping fixed on the hunchback’s. The hunchback raised his cigarette to his mouth for a smoke, hoping to relieve his tension, but The Man in Black snatched the cigarette from his hand as if he were picking a flower. The hunchback’s eyes widened and he rushed to pull out his gun, but the Mexican grabbed his hand before he could unholster it. The Man in Black lit his pipe using the cigarette. He puffed it with mild content still keeping his eyes on the hunchback, and then when he was finished offered the cigarette back.
The hunchback glared at him, his pale blue eyes darkening into a raging storm, but after a few moments he walked away rejecting the cigarette. The other two members followed after him ignoring The Man in Black. The Man with No Name was still slumped against the wooden post, and he watched them as they all stepped out of the saloon.
So, yay or nay?