Critique for a poem i wrote?

B

Ben Gren

New member
Re: Birth


Wrinkled and ashen
I shouldn’t feel so old
Anxious and lonely
You shouldn’t be so cold

Even being near you
Feels like throwing a pair of dice
This wasn’t the plan
What happened to my paradise?

Because there’s a fire
And it rests within my bones
A rhythmic spire
Reaching up to heavens throne

A birthed verse looming
Exploding into a summer sky
Words spark like first love
And I feel like I can fly

But you’re so blind
To the potential man in me
I’m laid down chained here
You alone hold can set me free

But you won’t listen
For what am I to one like you?
I am better
And for that, I stay subdued

Won’t go changing
For my burden’s made me strong
Just so draining
To see you think I don’t belong

Will the sun
Always follow with the moon?
Will my days
Be peppered with the salt of gloom?

Am I running?
Or just falling off display
Don’t know how to act
Feeling formless as morning clay

That rose kissed fire
Was burning oil on the sea
From the beginning
Separated you from me

I’m not lonely
Or at least not because of you
Well i’ve got liquor
And I’ll drink until it’s true
 
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