class assignement. im not much of a poet but...?

B

Bob

New member
Love tears a soul in half,
Off my feet and swept up into the air,
The feeling a princess gets when she found her prince,
Yet I wonder did it happen to fast,
I smile yet I frown,
Happiness like the first sunset after a cold winter
but confusion like a English professor in a math lecture,
Is love this confusing?
I am crazed with the thought of him,
My mind fixed on that moment,
Pushed towards him yet pushed away,
Should love be this hard?
Overwhelmed by everything that I felt,
Suffocating from feelings that are unknown to me,
Dark confusing thoughts weaving in and out of my mind,
I cant push them away for they always return,
A ghosts shadow sits on my shoulder weighing me down,
Sinking lower and lower I feel myself falling into my deep mind
 
Dude, you're writing about lust, not love.

This is the poem, edited. You really need to spell better.

Love tears a soul in half.
Off my feet and swept up into the air--
The feeling a princess gets when she found her prince.
Yet, I wonder: did it happen too fast?
I smile, yet I frown...
Happiness, like the first sunset after a cold winter
But confusion, like a English professor in a math lecture.
Is love this confusing?

I am crazed with the thought of him;
My mind fixed on that moment,
Pushed towards him, yet pushed away,
Should love be this hard?

Overwhelmed by everything that I felt,
Suffocating from feelings that are unknown to me,
Dark confusing thoughts weaving in and out of my mind,
I can't push them away, for they always return.

A ghost's shadow sits on my shoulder, weighting me down,
Sinking lower, and lower, I feel myself falling into my deep mind.



Now comments:
Huh. *blinks*
It's so dark.
"Mind fixed on that moment" WHAT MOMENT?!
"I'm crazed with thoughts of him" sounds really desperate.
It seems that the enamored girl/guy does realize s/he is in love, so "feelings that are unknown to me..." is a bit too sentimental and false.

Next.

The rhythm. You gotta have some rhythm. Put some rhythm into it.

Now go. Go to your class. I gotta wash my eyes.
 
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