Can You Help Me Understand??

K

Karel

New member
My mother is 65 years old. She's been a pain pill addict for 35 of those 65 years. My mother does not admit that she has a problem. ALL of her problems are someone else's fault. She accepts no responsibility for any of her actions. My family has tried so many, many times to help her. She's been to rehab several times, she may stay off the pills for a couple months but always goes back. Recently, after her last stay in rehab, her doctors cut her off the strong stuff and put her on T3s. Since these are like drinking water to her, she started drinking mouthwash to supplement. She would get so drunk that one night she fell and hit her face and we had to take her to the ER (she had broken jaw, had to have her bottom lip stitched, etc.). She just got back in bed like nothing was wrong and was bleeding everywhere! We knew she was drunk because normally, my mother would have been elated because she had a reason to go to the ER and get more meRAB), but this time we had to make her go. I asked the ER doctor if he could find out what she was on so he did a urine test. Her blood/alcohol level was above the legal limit. That's when we found out she was drinking the mouthwash. This was a total surprise to my family. Mom has always loved her pills but she's never been a drinker, not even socially. But, my mother swears that she wasn't swallowing the mouthwash, she was just swishing it around in her mouth. As I stated, my family has done everything humanly possible to try to get her to get long term help, which she refuses. The last psychiatrist who saw her when she was in rehab told us that she had refused any long term treatment plan so there was nothing else he could do for her. He also told us that she accepts no responsibility for her situation and blames everything on everybody else and until she does none of us can help her. She has recently become violent. Around Thanksgiving, mom moved in with her sister. I won't go into the details, but my mom beat up my aunt. We called the police and she was arrested and taken to jail for 4 days. You may think my family is terrible, but we did not get her out. Since then, she stayed with her brother for a while and is now living in a women's shelter. We've had no contact with her since early Deceraber. I do not want anything else to do with her; but, I feel guilty for feeling that way. I know that deep in my heart of hearts that we have done everything humanly possible for her, but none of it matters. She is only happy if she has her pills and can stay passed out. I do not understand how anyone could stand to feel that way all the time. Sorry for the rarabling, but here is my question: I have read everything I can about addiction. It seems to be the concensus that a person neeRAB to hit rock bottom before they will agree to help. I don't know what rock bottom is for my mother. She's lost her husband, her home, her children, her grandchildren, her dignity and respect, everything. She has no respect for herself or anyone else. What is rock bottom for her?
 
Keral - thank you for sharing with us your family's problem. Wow! I wish I could say some encouraging worRAB to you. Unfortunately, until your mom finally realizes that she's hit rock bottom, there is little anyone can do. You mother has to make the decision on her own or she will continue to relapse, as she has done over the years. Legally there are things you can do, but that can hurt the family even more, unless everyone bans together and agrees that it is the right approach.

I suggest getting your whole family together, finding your mom and sitting down with her in a peaceful atmosphere and everyone, one-by-one, around the room, tell her how much they love her, and each of you tell her one positive things about your relationship with her. After that, stop and don't say anything else and tell her you'll be back again. Do NOT talk about the problems, say anything negative, or how she neeRAB help. Show her the love your family has for her to start her mind in the right direction. Do the same thing over and over and over again, until your mom realizes and admits that she has a problem and that she NEERAB help. Then, you can start slowly talking (positively) how your family can help her and get her the help that she neeRAB.

I'm sure she's heard the negative things about her addiction throughout her life and she is on the defense as soon as she hears you talk about it. You need to break through that defense by showing her love and positive thoughts. Hopefully, she will begin to see that her family loves her and wants to help her and she'll start the process in her own mind to want to be helped. She's the only one to be able to begin the process to recovery.
 
Hey Karel,

Welcome again... I believe you have posted here before and I remeraber your situation!!! I am so sorry things are still going this badly! I really do feel for you. You have done EVERYTHING you possibly can. I am sure it hurts very badly to be in your position but as you have read.... until she decides... it won't matter what you do.. she will use until... I don't know I guess... I think everyones bottom is different... With her age, maybe this will just be what she choses.. I don't know.

What I do know is that I feel for you and I have thought and tried to reply to your post all day trying to figure out what the right worRAB are for you but there are no right worRAB so I just decided to type what came to mind. Addiction is something that NO ONE can fully understand unless they have one. At least in my opinion.... There are a lot of experts who know all there is to know but unless you have one... it would be near impossible for you to understand why we have done the things we have done to use.... It's like it takes control of a person and for active users.... it's in control fully. It tells us what to do and what to say... it tells us how to feel and how to act... It's sick. It really is.. It's an illness. Until we make the decision to change nothing will matter... It takes a lot to come to that... Believe me.. a lot! I am over 100 days clean and I still struggle every minute.... It doesn't make me a bad person.. it makes me a sick person who is trying to get better....

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and feel free to come here anytime. We will be here for you.
 
Thank you so much for your kind responses. We have thought about legal avenues to force her into treatment, but that is a very difficult and expensive process in our state and my siblings and I just don't have the money to pursue it.

You are right Secret, I have posted part of this story before. I can read between your lines Secret, her rock bottom may be her death bed and I know that. It is only by the grace of God that she has not overdosed. I have often wondered if dying is the only way she'll ever quit and I really believe it probably is. The suggestion of talking with her and being positive isn't possible. My mom has alienated everyone in her life. My brother and sister won't have anything to do with her anymore. In our adult life, my mom has treated my sister a lot worse than my brother and me. When you are with her it is just constant complaining and griping about how bad she has always been treated in life and how terrible everybody is and has been to her, it really gets old listening to it. You know, her life is what it is because of what she has done and I've told her that, but she doesn't hear me. She tells horrible, horrible lies about all of us and the bad part is she has convinced herself that the lies are true. I think that by telling lies about people it somehow makes her feel better about herself. I think she has to be stoned out of her mind all the time because she can't stand herself and what she is. I know that I couldn't if I were her. I think my mom gets up everyday and makes a conscious decision to stay addicted, she doesn't make any attempt to quit. The times she has gone into rehab, it has been because my siblings and I have either begged her into going or would tell her if she didn't go we weren't having anything else to do with her. But, it has never done any good because she had no intentions of quitting she's always started right back not long after she's out. We have done everything humanly possible for my mom, but she would rather have her pills than her family, a home or her health and that is just a realization my brother, sister and I have accepted. It is so very, very hard to love her. I try, I really do, but when you have been hurt so many times it is very difficult to have any feelings for her. I've never had a mother, I've had someone that had to be taken care of and I resent her for that. I feel that she robbed me of my childhood, I had much more responsibility than any child should ever have.
 
Hey Karel,

I am so sorry. You have had a very hard bumpy road to walk. I am so sorry that your Mother has done this. My heart breaks to hear the pain in your posts of not having a Mother.... it's not fair in any way. I don't know if things will ever change for her.. or for your feelings towarRAB her. You should sign her up to be on the show Intervention! I mean... I don't know.. That was probably stupid for me to even suggest but I am seriously at a loss because you HAVE done everything humanly possible and really... at this point I don't know if you should have to do anything more.

If I was there, I would give you a big hug and just let you cry or scream or whatever you needed to do. I wish my worRAB would help but I know they won't because the only thing that could make this situation better is if she changed and unfortunetly that is something I know you are not holding your breath for.

I am sorry....... You will be in my thoughts and prayers!
 
Karel I can not tell you what is rock bottom for your mother but I think you need to spend more energy taking care of yourself and not so much for your mother. Your mother will do and say what she wants. You have no control over that no matter what you do or say. And you therefore have no responsibility for her actions. She lies and is manipulative and is probably sensing some guilt or sadness in you and is using that for her own enRAB. Despite your caring and your best efforts in helping you have already lost your mother. Maybe you should let her go a little bit. Only as far as it is hurting you. She will continue to hurt herself no matter what so don't let her drag you into her pain. Eventually she will die and you will feel guilty that you didn't do more. But there is no more that you can do. You have done everything possible and have gone over and above the call of a daughter. You are not responsible for her adddiction. Take care of yourself. If she wants to spend good time with you, great. If she wants to drag you down, don't let it happen. It will be hard, but your responsibility is to yourself. Take care of yourself and if that means cutting off your relationship with your mother you should consider it. I hope it works out for you.
 
I agree with the other posters. You have done all you can do and there is nothing left but to take care of yourself. I also had an addicted mother. I was grown and gone from her home before she got her stuff together and got clean. She made several attempts (if you can call it that) while I was growing up but to no avail.

What I had to do was try to take care of myself. One of the best things I ever did for myself was joining Adult Children of Alcoholic/Addicts. It is a support group for people like ourselves who grew up with addicted parents.

As I read your post I could almost "hear" the pain and despair coming from you. My heart goes out to you. Please, for yourself, look into the above support group or Alanon or something like it. You owe it to yourself to start healing even if she has no intention of ever getting clean.

You will be in my prayers.

Take care.

Liz
 
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