I need feedback on my essay. I also have 468 words and it's 500 word limit. You can go ahead and edit it if you want.. PLEASE BE HONEST/HARSH and put yourself into the admission's officer's shoes when reading it. Colleges want someone who is mature and motivated and that is what I am trying to convey in the essay. REMEMBER THE ESSAY IS ULTIMATELY ABOUT ME and my qualities which will help me succeed in college. (I also talk about being born in Boston because some colleges I am applying to are in Boston and I now live across the country)
PROMPT: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
My father comes from the small country of Belarus where he attended college, studied biochemistry, and met my mother. As his research garnered attention, he was asked to travel study in several different countries at a time where it was almost impossible to emigrate from his country without business purposes. He was contacted by Harvard University and asked to immigrate to the United States and live in Boston to do research, which led to my being born there. Still in his early twenties, he moved on to lead a groundbreaking discovery at a biochemistry company. His research was then taken advantage of and stolen by a man who made hundreds of millions which my father did not receive a penny of.
I was still a young child, but my mother tells me this is the point where my father's mental state rapidly declined. He used a drug that would allow him to stay awake for several days and began to hallucinate. My mother rushed him to the hospital, where my parents then discovered that this event had triggered schizophrenia.
I live with an unpredictable, unemployed father and a mother working long hours to compensate. I know this is certainly not the life my parents had pictured when they first journeyed to this country, but I am also aware that I live here solely because of my father and his research. While I have never had an extraordinary talent for science, witnessing the daily instability of such a unique, gifted mind is a constant reminder to use whatever talents I have been given and to and strive for my best in my academic and athletic endeavors. With this, I have found a love for linguistics and the sport of crew.
Reaching out to my father seems almost impossible due to the nature of his illness. While I yearn for the loving, charismatic father who took me the movies every week as a child, I know that I will never have him back and cannot control his past. What motivates me is the control that I have over my own health and future. Being the first generation of my family to attend college in America, I know it is my responsibility to turn around the fate which has struck my family. My dream of attending college is not just for myself, but for my father who was not able to reach his own dream and my mother who witnessed it firsthand yet still managed to pack me a lunch every morning while working fifteen hours a day to provide me with a quality private high school education. As my father's mental health continues to deteriorate, I hope to become the success that he lost and to give him the life he envisioned when he first came to this country.
PROMPT: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
My father comes from the small country of Belarus where he attended college, studied biochemistry, and met my mother. As his research garnered attention, he was asked to travel study in several different countries at a time where it was almost impossible to emigrate from his country without business purposes. He was contacted by Harvard University and asked to immigrate to the United States and live in Boston to do research, which led to my being born there. Still in his early twenties, he moved on to lead a groundbreaking discovery at a biochemistry company. His research was then taken advantage of and stolen by a man who made hundreds of millions which my father did not receive a penny of.
I was still a young child, but my mother tells me this is the point where my father's mental state rapidly declined. He used a drug that would allow him to stay awake for several days and began to hallucinate. My mother rushed him to the hospital, where my parents then discovered that this event had triggered schizophrenia.
I live with an unpredictable, unemployed father and a mother working long hours to compensate. I know this is certainly not the life my parents had pictured when they first journeyed to this country, but I am also aware that I live here solely because of my father and his research. While I have never had an extraordinary talent for science, witnessing the daily instability of such a unique, gifted mind is a constant reminder to use whatever talents I have been given and to and strive for my best in my academic and athletic endeavors. With this, I have found a love for linguistics and the sport of crew.
Reaching out to my father seems almost impossible due to the nature of his illness. While I yearn for the loving, charismatic father who took me the movies every week as a child, I know that I will never have him back and cannot control his past. What motivates me is the control that I have over my own health and future. Being the first generation of my family to attend college in America, I know it is my responsibility to turn around the fate which has struck my family. My dream of attending college is not just for myself, but for my father who was not able to reach his own dream and my mother who witnessed it firsthand yet still managed to pack me a lunch every morning while working fifteen hours a day to provide me with a quality private high school education. As my father's mental health continues to deteriorate, I hope to become the success that he lost and to give him the life he envisioned when he first came to this country.