Can someone please give me advise on correcting my cover letter, Whats

[Shea]

missing? What needs to be taken out? Don’t look any further, the person you need for the job is right here!
Marketing Management & Sales, Current graduate with an Associate degree, I would be the perfect attribute for new business Ideas, and marketing strategies. I am currently seeking a full time position within a company that will allow me to utilize my current skills, and enhance my knowledge as I continue to pursue my education.
I am currently enrolled in a Business Management bachelor degree program where I have truly found my niche in a field I am passionate about. I hope to one day come closer to my dream of becoming a major tycoon in corporate America.
I am seeking a position where I can plant my feet and work my way to the top within a company where I can see my progress through advancement. Choosing me means strong communication skills, leadership, and the aptitude to work well under pressure. I bring the determination and drive to excel. If given the opportunity, I plan to prove to my peers, as well as management team that I am the perfect asset: a go-getter who is reliable, pleasant, encouraging, and loyal.
Lastly, I have enclosed a copy of my resume; feel free to revise so that you can see I meet all of these qualifications and more you’re looking for.
I would very much like to discuss opportunities, to schedule an interview, please call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx. The best time to reach me is between 9:00am and 6:00pm., but you can leave a voice message at any time, and I will return your call.
Thank you for taking the time to review my resume. I look forward to talking with you.
Sincerely,

 

[Dizzy_Lizzy]

1) This is a very general letter. You should tailor the letter to every position (and you should always seek a specific position) you apply for.

2) WTF is a “major tycoon in corporate America?” To me that sounds like “I don’t care what I do for a living as long as I’m rich and powerful.” Why would that make someone want to hire you?

3) No one cares that you think you’re smart, reliable, etc. When you want to convey that you are those things, give specific examples of things you’ve done to prove that, i.e. actions speak louder than words.

4) When writing a cover letter make sure you’re not overusing the words I, me & my. The point is to tell this to make the organization the focus of your letter, not so much what you want. You have to be mindful of not overusing the passive voice though. Just think “Your origination would benefit from my…” rather than “I bring the determination and drive to excel.”

5) You said “revise” when I think you meant “review.”

6) Don’t expect to be called. Certainly provide your contact information, but also mention that you will call to ensure your information was received.