Can I get Some feedback on my poem tips and critiques( NO SUGAR COATING)?

vlnark

New member
The Thieves Den
By Joey A.B
They move swiftly in the cover of the night
covered in black like a murder of crows taking flight.
Silently, swiftly, they approach , almost ghost like.
There weapons gleaming in the moon light.
These are the famed thieves of the den
The men who stole the golden egg from the hen.
Stole treasure from the great kings of yore.
These thieves with honor, these men of lore.

Tonight, in the forest they lie in wait.
Just in sight of the city's gate.
The legendary city of El Dorado.
The city of gold where riches follow,
One by one the thieves take flight!
" Men do well to remember to stay in sight"

Said the leader a tall slender nimble man named Havoc .

" And may Hermes bless us" said another named Maverick.

" And give us some freaking gold too" bellowed a bloke.
Named Angus a merry man from the proud Celtic folk.

" Aye" they all said laughed and said with cheer.
But just as suddenly ended as the task was near.

And before them was a wondrous city paved in gold.
The buildings so tall just as the legends told.
Jewels were everywhere each a different hue.
Red, yellow, orange, green even some blue.
Each sparkled, each twinkled, everything glistened.
But wait one stopped the people are missing.
'Tis true said another I saw not a living soul.

How can this be when I just saw a hot bowl
Of food that just seemed so freshly made.
I remember it well a giant ham well glazed.
Seeing no one else I helped myself to a taste.

And at that moment the wind began to howl.
The thieves were struck with fear their eyes so round.
Half men half beast like things appeared one by one.
" Fight men Fight! Draw your swords and do not run,
We are the thieves of the den and for us this is our fun."
And with that swords clashed and the bloody battle begun.
Iron striking iron speckle of sparks flying into the sky.
Sounds like thunder raged through the night.

The Half things were stronger,
But the Thieves were smarter.
So a battle of brains vs. bronze ensued.
But for each beast hacked down sprang up two.
And soon the thieves were surrounded.
Battered and bruised there hearts pounding.
And they all began to laugh and bellowed a tune.
With each note that was struck their rage was fueled.
" We are proud us thieves of the den,
We draw our swords be it gods or mortal men.
We Fight till the fields glisten and our vision turns red.
Till each opponent is hacked or till each of us are dead."

A man with wings on his shoes suddenly appeared.
And with a huge gust did the half things disappear.
" Come with me" the man said with a smirk on his face.

"Yes of course our lord I mean your grace"
" But we only ask to where?' said the thieves.

" To death and beyond where the treasures are limitless,
Where the gold lacks no luster and riches are infinite.

*I'm sixteen and i was inspired by Shakespear's ability to right a story using rhymes and i was like man i should try that and so this brain child was born :)
 
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