Sheldon Smith
New member
Hi I'm 19 years old and have been struggling with something for a long time. I've been addicted to gay porn for about 5 years and am trying to quit. But I have no want to go out and have gay relations with anyone. When I was younger a few things happened to me that I'm really ashamed of that I feel messed up my life. An older boy at daycare brought me out to the playground and had me kiss/makeout with him and I was only about 5 or 6 years old. There was another time when I was at daycare and was playing a game where I pretended to be dead and another boy came to give me mouth to mouth. My male cousin took me into his room and had me kiss/make out with him when I was about 7 (he was a few years older than me). And my uncle was a little on the creepy friendly side. Like one time he pinned me down on the stairs and licked my eyes and wouldn't get off. There's times when I wonder if he ever did anything to me and I've just blocked it out so I wouldn't have to remember it. When I had these things happen to me when I was younger I had no idea what was going on. And now I've gotten to this point where I'm looking at gay porn. I don't want to be gay. I'm a devoted Catholic and have all these wants for my future. To be able to get married and have kids with my wife. To not have to worry about my friends and family judging me for being gay (ya I know if they judge me for it then they're not my actual friends or family but still). I have all these days where I'm depressed and ashamed and hate who I am. I feel cursed and just want to find a way out of this. Something else to add though is that I've slept in the same bed with a girl before and been turned on and very attracted to her, I've dance with many girls and have gotten turned on, and this one girl had me turned on just by hugging me. So I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. Is the gay thing just a phase? I like girls and am turned on by gay porn too but would never want to do any of the gay acts (after I masturbate I feel real ashamed about it and grossed out about all the things I saw). Does anyone have any advice for what I should do or how to get past this stage in my life? All I want to do is have a normal life.