Blindspots and Denial

S

susan n

New member
In life I'm inclined with/
a fine grip/
I might slip/
this life's swift/
despite this/
my blindness denies it/
my bind just defines it/
my mind flips/
my eyes lift/
a kind kiss/
ignites my drive/
for divine gifts/
but why this half mindless/
strive for the finest/
sometimes it's misguided/
with opposites collided/
there's no one your highness/
my fights with the highest/
I fight the overrided/
sense of being prided/
the culprits evasive/
but be amazed with/
the slick skilled persuasive/
tricks 'til your brain twists/
the same dick/
your shame gripped/
the lame git/
your rage hit/
you saw in the rain drips/
its face never changes/
except when you change it/
you've known it for ages/
but don't think it's blameless/
to notice aint painless/
no one is stainless/
it's one with close connection/
to find your true objections/
look at your own reflection/
 
I really like how constant the rhyming is in this. It seems like it could flow really well depending on what style your singing it in (which I would guess by some of the lyrics is metal....lemme know if I'm wrong about that). However, I think some of the lines are hurt by how short they are, which doesn't really give you enough room to elaborate on meaning. Take for example "strive for the finest/
sometimes it's misguided/
with opposites collided/
there's no one your highness/
my fights with the highest/"

What do you mean "opposites collided"? or "There's no one your highness, my fights with the highest?" I feel like you should find a way to lengthen some of these lines and clarify their meaning a little bit, or even a simple rewording might do. Either way, it seems like you were focusing more on the flow of these lines when you wrote them, and you did well to that end.
 
The Corps of Engineers and EPA can mislead, mistreat and leave you stranded, for no reason at all, because nobody is WILLING and ABLE to stop them.


http://www.newnewalaska.com/
 
I like the way you rhyme. It doesn't come out sounding forced. I agree with Kaden though, your lines are very short. I can't seem to figure out what the meaning behind the lyrics are, because with short lines, your imagery is very vague. It just seems like a one nice sounding line after another, but where is the connection?
 
Cheers for your feedback guys. I'm actually a Rapper and Hip Hop producer. It's a verse I wrote on one of my songs called 'Slam Glock'. It is very vague and part of that was due to me wanting to be very on point with the flow of the beat. That was the most important thing. I also wanted to leave it slightly open to others interpretation too. I actually missed out a couple of lines in the original post but I've edited them in now.

When I'm saying,
"why this half mindless/
strive for the finest?/
sometimes it's misguided/
with opposites collided/
there's no one your highness/
my fights with the highest/
I fight the over-rided/
sense of being prided/"

Basically I'm questioning why we (or more to the point, I) have to always be striving for the best and the finest things, more money and recognition etc...

I strive for those things without hardly ever questioning why I want them. "Sometimes it's misguided with opposites collided" Basically I mean we're often misguided in our constant chase for "the finest" because we fail to realise that even if we get those things it won't solve all our problems or make us permanently happy, we'll just keep striving for the next thing and then the next... It's often more about feeding our ego as opposed to personal growth.

"Opposites collided" I admit is bloody vague but my meaning behind that is actually how I feel about my pull between my ego (that constantly wants more and can never be satisfied and is scared of looking stupid or loosing face) and who I actually am (and who we all are for that matter), beyond my ego.

It's really a muse upon how we all constantly seek fulfilment from material things and achievements and trying to be above everyone else, to be 'special' to feed our ego. Or the fear and need to constantly protect our ego. When in truth none of it really matters, we're all far more than that.

"There's no one your highness/
my fights with the highest/
I fight the over-rided/
sense of being prided/"-There's no one truly above you (or me) whoever they are, and the biggest fight I have is my false sense of pride and ego, not a person or adversary that my ego perceives as being above me.

Hopefully that makes a bit more sense as to my meaning behind the lyrics. Thanks for taking the time to read them and again thanks for the feedback.
 
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