Bipolar, insomniac, night shifter, stimulant addict.

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I'd been on prescription stimulants for about 6 years. I had the same dose, 20mg Adderall once in the morning, for YEARS. And it was perfect. I never felt all "psyched out" or jittery, in fact I felt LESS anxious than in the past, and I was able to manage my time and racing thoughts.

Something changed this summer, randomly, when I moved and started working nights. I stopped sleeping altogether, collapsed after 109 hours awake in some bizarre delusional panic attack thing--two trips to the emergency room later, on two different benzos which I realized I hated once I came out of my catatonic state a week later... the problem started after the first panic episode. I was NOT myself, in any way. For whatever reason, I felt like I needed to stay awake because something bad would happen if I slept? So I'd take more of the Adderall to counter the lingering effects of clonazepam... since none of the doctors decided to tell me anything about lorazepam OR clonazepam before giving me a massive supply for an "as needed" basis. After 3 months I stopped taking the clonazepam (Klonopin)... but for whatever reason, I seem to be stuck feeling like I need the Adderall.

After a third episode in the emergency room a few months later, they diagnosed me as having Bipolar Disorder, after reviewing my entire life's history. This was hard enough for me to deal with, trying to grasp that every great idea I've ever had was just the product of a "manic" episode or not. Then I got all crazy thinking the Adderall was the only thing keeping me "hypomanic" and if I didn't take it, then I'd go into a "depressed" episode. I don't have health insurance, and I have over $10,000 in debt just from last summer... so, I don't know if any treatment is really an option right now.

I NEVER thought I'd be one of "those" people... I hated the fact that people would abuse this drug, because I had the prescription for a disorder that seriously disabled my life for a long time. Now I'M abusing it without realizing it, and I'm terrified that I won't be able to continue working at my job without it. I work 11:00pm to 8:00am, and no... there really ARE no other jobs out here.

I guess I'm just looking to see if anyone has ever dealt with anything similar? There's just TOO MUCH STRESS going on in my life... debt that I've never had to deal with, insomnia like I've never dealt with, my father is wasting away from undiagnosable dementia and--as I learned last week--cancer that's metastasizing ... I'm 21 years old and I had everything going for me. Now what do I do? Very lost. Very, very lost.
 
First off, you are probably one of the most articulate, intelligent, and head straight persons of your age group I've encountered. For that, you are already one step ahead.
Your problem doesn't really seem all too bad. I know when you are going through this, being told you are not so bad off isn't quite the answer but it seems the problem stems from your working hours and the way you are choosing to deal with the hours.

I worked in a security firm for 2 years and it took all of those 24 months to get used to the night shift. Without jobs to choose from, you kinda got to take your lumps. Make lemonade out of lemons. It would be a shame to see that articulate mind go to waste.

Have you considered writing out your feelings? Chronicling them for others? Perhaps writing, writer, anything to help you pass some time with the sleepnesss nights?

I fall asleep at the computer or while reading and yes, sometimes when I drive...I have three ways to get sleep if I need it.

Good luck to you... I have a good feeling about you.
 
I certainly appreciate the compliment--I'd say the epicenter for most of my perfectionist problems stem from the burden of "unfulfilled potential." The ADD, anxiety, depression, whatever else from middle school and high school yielded plenty of failing grades, so I'd get the "You have so much potential!" speech. I like to hear that even if I dropped out of college three times, maybe it doesn't show as much as I sometimes think it does!

I do think you're right... my problem isn't so horrible. The real problem is more or less my dwindling threshold of effective coping mechanisms. I just don't know how to get back on track. The overnight job isn't my dream career, but because I always need to be "striving for bigger and better," I went through a brief manic episode in Septeraber where I felt like I had to prove my usefulness. Let me tell you--obsessive personality, manic episode, plus amphetamines = the best freaking third shift gas station attendant you will EVER see. Until they crash, like I did.

Ironically, I do write a lot. I've been writing for years and years... to (yeah) a rather obsessive extent. In early 2009 after a HORRIBLE bout of depression (after I left an amazing job with a massive publishing company to move here, the frozen wasteland tundra nightmare from hell), I sat down and wrote about 160 pages of a memoir going over my recent history.

Since October, I've filled at least two or three full notebooks with handwritten thoughts. "Pressured writing," to go hand-in-hand with racing thoughts and pressured speech. It paints a good picture of how my mooRAB shift. I time and date everything I write, but recently I haven't had the desire to continue. Weird.

Anyway... thank you for your input. I'm feeling better than I was overnight, probably because the sun came up, and I'm incredibly sleep deprived which for me means excess energy and even LESS desire to sleep. So, now I need to use some self-control...
 
This sounRAB very much like sleep paralysis. And since you have a night job and are on Adderall, I wouldn't be surprised if that's exactly the case. Do you find yourself nodding off, then waking up right when you're about to go under and fall asleep? Further, do you find yourself unable to move for a brief period of time?

If you aren't aware of sleep paralysis or just how common it is, it can be terrifying. Some quick research will show you that it's been the cause for all kinRAB of feelings of anxiety down through the ages. And don't think I'm a weirdo because this isn't what I experience at all, but a lot of people who report being abducted by aliens and other weird occurrences -- well, they're really just battling sleep paralysis and don't know what it is.

It sounRAB like you may have some anxiety issues, and for all its positive attributes, Adderall could exacerbate that problem a little. Out of curiosity, do you find yourself writing more or less on Adderall?

You're only 21. Though you might think you're already stuck in a rut that's really far from the truth. If you dropped out of college, consider going back ... that is if you have a degree you're pursuing in a field you'd like to work in.
I would advise against getting a degree for the sole purpose of getting a degree as it is an expensive proposition. If you were at a larger school, consider going to a smaller school.

I went to Auburn University (nat'l champs -yeah:cool:) and flunked out not once, not twice but thrice. Actually, I got expelled with that last one. A few years later I found myself attending a small Jesuit school where I graduated near the top of my class. I had to learn that I was motivated IN class, but the problem for me was getting motivated to get TO class. Considering I lived off-campus at Auburn and there was no student transit at the time and parking was very limited, it was easy to make excuses not to go. But once I didn't have to worry about extra motivation just to go to class because there were always parking spots that were near the building, I thrived.

I've gone on long enough. Whatever you decide: Good luck!:wave:
 
Hi =

First, very sorry for all you're going through.

Do you agree with the diagnosis of bi-polar? It sounRAB like you are able to make some pretty unbiased judgments about yourself and I'd bet you've done some researching. So do you think that's the case?

And have you had a complete physical, complete with a full blood work up?
Just wondering if you feel like the possibility that something physical could be happening with you has been fully investigated.

And now, looking back, do you really think things were going along pretty well for you (putting aside any evaluation about unfulfilled promise) up until this episode? If you still do think things were reasonably okay, that's why I'm asking if they checked you out for any physical issue. It does seem odd to me that this all just hit you so hard, so fast.
 
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