Better From The Moon

♥

♥3oh!3Freak♥

New member
Better from the moon

I think I have to throw the idea
Of watching the sea with you
And talking about anything
I think I have to throw the idea
Of watching rivers which
Come and go before
Sun goes down

I don
 
The poem is wonderfully simplistic and flowing.

OH and alain did you get your name from Stephen King's Dark Tower series?
 
Hi Alain

these are just my own personal opinions, I'm not a professional critique just another joe trying to help out a fellow writer, so please dont take thing to heart, you either take it or leave it, its up to you!

I've been reading through this lyric and I kinda find it hard to follow, the lyrics and the message your trying to convay I'm afraid, is lost on me, when I tried talking my way though it, it was very hard to orate, and would be even harder to sing, I couldn't find a way of getting any reglar rhythm going or indeed a beat, a song has to have free flow just like ordinary dialogue, natural speech, I think a serious rewrite is appropriate hear Alain to iron out those failings,

have fun. jonb
 
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