being so overweight actually stops me from doing the exercise that i want to do.
i love swimming, and dancing and walking, but going to a public pool in a swimming costume, it fills me with dread. and going to jazzercise, which i have done before, i can't even do that anymore, i'm just so worried about how stupid i look. even walking around when i have no particular place to be walking to, i feel like everyone is looking at me and it makes me want to stay inside where i feel better. i'd love to be fit. i used to be quite fit, i was flexible and slim when i was younger. now, i'm morbidly obese, suffer from reoccurring back and knee pains, even sitting is a problem. i can't run. i mean, i physically cannot run. i used to go to the gym, and i always hated the treadmill because i am hopeless at running anyway, so i always chose to go on the cross-trainer, which is great, but even that's tough now. i hate myself.
i've had mild to moderate depression and anxiety problems (it comes in sort of waves, every few months) since i was very young. perhaps 10 or 11, and i know that has affected the way i eat and what i do. i really want to get better, and i always say things like "when i've lost this much weight i'll go swimming", but without exercise, i don't think i can even lose enough to feel comfortable enough to go swimming. i'm vegetarian, and whilst my eating habits aren't perfect, i do eat well. i know i can lose weight through controlling my diet, i've done it before, but to keep it off, i need exercise. it's just so hard battling against my fears that people are judging me for my weight, the way i look, the scars on my body from self harm and everything else... every day. i can't take it. i'm not emotionally strong enough.
i am very aware that it's a vicious circle, not being able to exercise for anxiety reasons, this kicking off my depression, my depression feeding my food habit and so on. i need help. i really do. i just don't know how to get it.
the problem with trying to get help to lose weight when you're my size, is everyone thinks you're stupid and tells you it's really easy. i know the science behind it all, my mother has a degree in nutrition, i know how to go about 'eating less and doing more', god knows i've been lectured about it by her for years. it's MOTIVATION i need, to keep going when every few weeks it's hard to feel like it's worth staying alive. i don't need pity, or patronising comments, i need a dietitian and a personal trainer that don't cost the earth. i need a therapist that won't constantly tell me i'm depressed because i'm fat, and that i need to do something about it - I KNOW!
i mean, come on, are there not THOUSANDS of other obese people out there who want to make their lives better, but who are distracted from their goals by the fact that LIFE and the people we love are always telling us to eat, and work means we don't have enough time to exercise, and another billion other things that get in the way? or even those who have the same problem as me - they don't feel they can go out and do exercise because society has told them, through many different ways, they are NOT WANTED.
seriously, give me a million pounds and i'll get my own pool, dance studio and instructor and find all the country tracks that NOBODY every walks down, near my new house that i'll live in away from society whilst i eat my rice cakes and cabbage soup. anyone got a million pounds they'd like to give me? no? then tell me how to get past my extreme social phobia, and show me where i can get a pair of trainers that won't give me blisters.
dragonfli - you clearly didn't read it.
i love swimming, and dancing and walking, but going to a public pool in a swimming costume, it fills me with dread. and going to jazzercise, which i have done before, i can't even do that anymore, i'm just so worried about how stupid i look. even walking around when i have no particular place to be walking to, i feel like everyone is looking at me and it makes me want to stay inside where i feel better. i'd love to be fit. i used to be quite fit, i was flexible and slim when i was younger. now, i'm morbidly obese, suffer from reoccurring back and knee pains, even sitting is a problem. i can't run. i mean, i physically cannot run. i used to go to the gym, and i always hated the treadmill because i am hopeless at running anyway, so i always chose to go on the cross-trainer, which is great, but even that's tough now. i hate myself.
i've had mild to moderate depression and anxiety problems (it comes in sort of waves, every few months) since i was very young. perhaps 10 or 11, and i know that has affected the way i eat and what i do. i really want to get better, and i always say things like "when i've lost this much weight i'll go swimming", but without exercise, i don't think i can even lose enough to feel comfortable enough to go swimming. i'm vegetarian, and whilst my eating habits aren't perfect, i do eat well. i know i can lose weight through controlling my diet, i've done it before, but to keep it off, i need exercise. it's just so hard battling against my fears that people are judging me for my weight, the way i look, the scars on my body from self harm and everything else... every day. i can't take it. i'm not emotionally strong enough.
i am very aware that it's a vicious circle, not being able to exercise for anxiety reasons, this kicking off my depression, my depression feeding my food habit and so on. i need help. i really do. i just don't know how to get it.
the problem with trying to get help to lose weight when you're my size, is everyone thinks you're stupid and tells you it's really easy. i know the science behind it all, my mother has a degree in nutrition, i know how to go about 'eating less and doing more', god knows i've been lectured about it by her for years. it's MOTIVATION i need, to keep going when every few weeks it's hard to feel like it's worth staying alive. i don't need pity, or patronising comments, i need a dietitian and a personal trainer that don't cost the earth. i need a therapist that won't constantly tell me i'm depressed because i'm fat, and that i need to do something about it - I KNOW!
i mean, come on, are there not THOUSANDS of other obese people out there who want to make their lives better, but who are distracted from their goals by the fact that LIFE and the people we love are always telling us to eat, and work means we don't have enough time to exercise, and another billion other things that get in the way? or even those who have the same problem as me - they don't feel they can go out and do exercise because society has told them, through many different ways, they are NOT WANTED.
seriously, give me a million pounds and i'll get my own pool, dance studio and instructor and find all the country tracks that NOBODY every walks down, near my new house that i'll live in away from society whilst i eat my rice cakes and cabbage soup. anyone got a million pounds they'd like to give me? no? then tell me how to get past my extreme social phobia, and show me where i can get a pair of trainers that won't give me blisters.
dragonfli - you clearly didn't read it.