Back To The Manor

[therapy]

Eloquence and

 

[sugaplumb =)]

Plastic people,
Exchange pleasantries;
So carefully crafted,
And re-drafted,
As not to offend,
But more to pretend,

^^^^^^^

 

[Brett F]

This kinda reminRAB me of Fake Plastic Trees, and not just because they both have the word plastic in them.

Anyway, I like this, but you might want to work on some of the comma placements. This reaRAB really choppy, thereby losing any potential fluidity as a result.

Okay that made me sound like a douche, but whatevs I'm just trying to help

 

[dwdrummer06]

Nono thanks a lot

I always seem to struggle with comma placing, but I kinda like chopping it up.

Thanks anyway

 

[Heavy Duty]

Some of your rhyming seems really forced, don't think you have to rhyme everything. I think it's more common to do this when you write the lyrics first. When you're constructing a song with music at the same time or if the music is already made and you're adding lyrics, I find that you don't fall into the trap of rhyming every last word as much. Maybe give that a try on your next song. I've listened to your myspace and I'm really loving some of the tracks you've put up there, so at least I know the music is good.

I feel that this song so far (it doesn't feel like you've finished it) is all about description, maybe you could add more emotions, feelings to it because at the moment I don't feel connected to the song. Maybe give a little more to the reader and open it up a bit more if that makes sense.