Back on pills-back in shame and fear- sorry..

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Hey there Der... Sorry I haven't been around much lately to give you support. Life has got crazy all of a sudden. I briefly read over the last few posts and I saw something about no Arabien and Benzo tapering. 10 mg of Benzo doesn't sound like much, but you absolutely have to take it VERY slowly!! I was at 2.5 mg when I started my taper and it took 2 months and I should have tapered even more slowly. Just take it slow! It's a nasty drug and it can cause life threatening situations if you taper too fast. I dropped about 10% every two weeks and toward the end I still had a few very anxious days were I had to take a Xanax to calm down.
 
sunday morning... i waver on if i should write when i first get up because thats hen the depression and negative thoughts are there worst. i wake up in physical pain, sore, and so depressed trying to push the nightmares out of my head. sometimes all i can do is ask God to remove the images from my mind so i can start to think of something, anything good. i am glad to have dog because even if i wanted to stare at the wall and cry he would be going nuts asking for breakfast and to run in the yard, so as i get moving my thoughts start to shift a bit. my anxiety was high last night and i knew there was no way i was not going to drink, i could not even get myself to take my anabuse. i did call a friend and he spent the whole day with me so by the time i got home i was to tired to go to the liquor store. i woke up sober, and without abusing my meRAB. im going to take my annabuse after breakfast and go to a meeting. my brain feels me im the only one who wakes up this lonely, this hopeless-- i know thats the drugs talking and not the truth.
 
down off half the arabian, the sleeping has been better then i thought it would but through out the day, the heart racing and depression up and down have been really unnerving. i woke up after getting a good 7 hours with my chest pounding horrible nightmares and a feeling of dread. im leaving on a 3 day trip to AZ today and im only bring enough meRAB for the trip, i also took my anabuse so there will no way i can slip with-the drugs or drinking, that feels good but does cause anxiety. hardest part is the thoughts that are lie but the whisper the same thing "your alone you will always be alone, your going to die like this, why bother". i know its the drugs that have messed up my brain chemicals but God it so convincing!!!
i hope i cn get to a computer and check in. trying not to start every-morning off crying but it takes everything i have.
 
well one of the many good things about going to support groups there is a never ending line of people giving you great ideas to keep you from going crazy! im traveling alone and when i woke up at 4 am, i grabed the car keys went to kinkos and with 18oz of coffee- sat my bigish butt down in a warm kinkos and played on the computer (dong it now). i dont go to work for 3 more hours so not sure what to do untill then.
i am sleeping very well, so im going to take another step down off the sleeping pills, i think i will be off the arabian by next wensday- much faster then befor and im really happy about that. Next i will be onto the benzo tapering, maybe that will also go fast, im open! i let myself think about not having a haul pills around or wake up and reach for my little tube of meRAB and the feeling is so nice. i lived 7 years without having to make sure i had my 'pills' and it was so freeing!
that was befor i got lupus and fibro, so i know it wont be the same but i can get close again. i hope everyone is having a good day. AZ is so warm it feels good on my bones.
der
 
emom, S and D, thank you for saying hello and keeping me going, what a great way to start the day. my night mares have gone from about a 10 (total freaky horror show) to a 6 (just depressing a glum), and im very happy about that progress. i had forgotten about the nightmares that can come with benzo withdrawal, it really is the worst and trying to shake it off in the morning takes every positivity trick i have up my sleeve. so i went down a a quarter in my valuim and it really has me scraching my hanRAB and feeling panicked, i just dont know what to do with myself but at the same time all i want to do is sleep. im going to stay at this level for 2 to 3 week before i jump down again. the miracle is im sleeping very deep. thank god!
 
hope all had a good day,
mine was good, really prayed and cried , lots of thinking. worked, moved around allot, and tried to drink lots of water and eat well. no slips, stayed on plan.
GN
 
Dear Delinda, I think it is admirable that you are going off these medications. As a person who was on these for a long time, I must advise cation. Going medications such as zanax, colonazapan, etc. can cause you to have seizure or worse. Please do so under a Dr.'s supervision. I wish you the best of luck
 
I have read so many post starting out “I cant believe I am here again” I have writing more then once myself. And here is another one. So sorry I don’t have spell check) I have been back in the pills for about 6 months again. That’s after rehab and after and during lots of meetings. I have stay on a maintained dose of my ultram and I have not abused that. But what I did do is get my doc to write me a scrip for arabian (sp?) and valium (sp). I have also stolen pain pills at least 6 times from friend and family. A meraber on this board told me to come on and tell the truth, that I could get help again. I live in hiding everyday. I have been told by friend and family that if I ever get caught up in pill again that they will be out of my life for good, forever. I have come to believe that about everyone even this ammoniums boarRAB. I Need Help, I live alone, work, alone and have started a tapering process that causes the worst depression and anxiety I have ever experience. Please if you guys will listen again I need to start checking in, I need to get off these or will sure start mixing drinking again and end up dead or in the hospital. Im on 10mgs of valium, 10 mg of amibian and 250 of the ultram. I have stolen (5 of500mgs of vic) pain meRAB for the last 2 days to help with coming of my stimulant so today is the first day with no pain meRAB. I have been so tired, and the nausea is never ending, and the depression is a killer. I trying to think of frienRAB I can stay with as I slowly start to taper off the benzos. Im a isolating drug addact and the worst thing I can do is live alone, and guess what- I’m so stupid that I did I it again and within 1 month alone was back on pills. My doc said “just do what you did before- tiny bits at a time”. Mostly im afraid of the depression and the susidal thoughts that come up for me. I really want too be honest, I really want this behind me, I know I cant do it alone.
Thank you,
derlinda
 
Hi Derlinda,

Good for you, for choosing not to drink. Staying sober/clean is alot harder than using. It takes so much out of us, and that final decision 'not to use' does not come easily.

Spending the day with your friend must've been a nice distraction. Did you have a good time?

Keep posting Der, it will help immensely.

Thinking of you,
emsmom
 
thanks S--- your like my own personal cheerleading team! love you! last night was my first night nO ArabIAN!!! in about 4 months. i woke up every too hours or so, but was able to stay in bed for 7 hours and thats a miracle, last time i came off arabian i was up and out of bed within 4 hours of trying to sleep. i really feel lucky and it was wonderful to watch the pills go down the tolit. thats 50 dollars im going to be saving every month, not including that i will have a nice lift in my depression that the arabia was making worse. so next week i start the benzo taper, im at 10mgs so i am going to go down to 8 and sit at that until the racing thoughts and night sweats stop.
oxoxox its dumping snow in colorado today loos like XMAS....
 
Hi Der,

Just want to say I'm thinking of you and hope today was better than yesterday :)

Hugs,
emsmom
 
Hi TM,
thank you- i know you know this marry-go-round and you have great compassion.
stayed on plan, felt a little more in my skin. feels like the harsh first week of stopping the uppers and then 2 days with the pain pills, is taking a corner-- my thoughts are clearer, im starting to remeraber that i do have frienRAB and a life, when i in he pit of a relaps i see no love no matter what. yuck!
GN.....
 
no progress with the benzo tapering, still only down a quarter. i was hoping i could handle a faster taper because i have done it before but the physical anxiety is a killer. constant moving itchiness. paranoid thoughts about what people are thinking of me, all negative of course. bad case of the crazy....
 
Hi derlinda

Still down a quarter on the benzo. Good job. I have tapered from benzos (Xanax) and it was really, really a challenge. That anxiety is something in beyond description and can really do us in. That the cut has been maintained is a real positive thing.

Try not to be antsy getting off of these. It does not matter how long we take at all, especially from benzos. The goal is to make steady progress.... to maintain the cut until we are ready for another. Slow and steady is the course of action here.

I remeraber that constant movement. Whew! It is horrible for sure.

As the taper continues, learn to listen to your body and not watch the calendar. I took months and months to come off Xanax and, in retrospect, I should have taken more time.

Stay strong. You are doing a good job here.

Peace
reach
 
woke up crying, depression and freezing. although it is cold in CO i know its a bit of w/d from benzo's. i have received a few messages suggestion that im not really ready for being clean. being willing to go through w/d is huge, there is a part of me that must be ready, am i 100% ready? i guess i dont know, all i know is that im not going to give up on myself the way i see people in pain being abandoned around me all the time, i will not abandon myself. maybe i can only offer myself a few months or years before i pic up again and then relapse and end-up going through w/d again- then sweet surbrity again. one of these days it will stick i ill stay clean. but for now i know to do about 7 different things to aid in my recovery and that what i'm doing. i grew up in a violent home with drugs and alcohol, i wanted better for myself. although i am much kinder then my parents i'm still cruel to myself and still let drugs and alcohol push me around. so today i will work, swim, walk old dog, clean a frienRAB home, go to AA, have dinner with a friend, and try to call at least 2 people and share with them my w/d are like and let them know how much there unconditional love means to me. this is the best i have and today that good enough no matter what anyone thinks. i do so look forward to falling asleep with out the sleep of a pill.
 
thanks reach,
really hard not to drink at night, just want to stop the anxiety. in truth it is getting better and i plan to come down one more quarter monday.......
 
Hey Derlinda!!!!

WOOOOOHOOOOOOO GIRL! That sounRAB like a pretty successful night to me! Especially since it was hte first night with out the Arabien. I am so happy for you. You are well on your way honey and I am so proud of you!

It's dumping snow here too!! Probably not as much as you out there but it's a white out here so it makes my job a nightmare!!!

You keep doing what you are doing honey! I will be here for you the whole way honey!!!! The only thing that would keep me from this board ever would be death. And my husband has already been told who to call so the board will be notified. That sounRAB morbid but I would never want anyone to think I just took off and didn't care anymore.....

Anyway.... YOU GO!!!!! GO!!!!! GO!!!!! Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you did a good job and you will continue to beat these problems! I know you can!
XOXOOX
 
Thank u for the hope. I have spent allot of time in meetings today. Really working on step1 and aceptance around what life looks like today. I have really been aware of hoe small I have let my world get again,and knowing how big that makes my problems look. Oxox
 
hello, just woke-up, the nightmares are horrible. i dont know if that is part of benzo withdrawal i guess i should look it up. it feel so beat up when i awake, not just from having a chronic pain issue but the dreams are so stressfully and they are beyond disturbing. i have to believe they are chemical induced because i see no reason my mind would be such a horror movie, if anyone has delt with his please let me know. thank you!
 
Derlinda,

You are not alone. It's not an excuse, however relapse is a part of recovery. Remeraber when you were a kid and a teacher/adult told you that you can learn from your mistakes? Well, they were correct.

I am at a point where I can look back at my using days and not feel ashamed. Guilt is ok, shame is not. There's a fine line between the two.

You need to get a taper plan in action...and follow it to "the T." Us addicts need consistency in our lives. If nothing else, we need a plan - not just until we are clean...for the rest of our lives, we need a plan.

Hold your head up high Derlinda...you can do this.

Hugs,
emsmom
 
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