Ashamed & Embarrassed at what I've done...

  • Thread starter Thread starter kewood
  • Start date Start date
K

kewood

Guest
:confused:Well, I also need to fess up to you guys here.....A week ago, after being on sub for 7 weeks, I stopped taking it b/c I got a little stash (60)Norco 10/325's. I figured taking 16mg of sub a day if I went without for 7 full days that would be long enought to get the sub out of my system even with the half-life being much longer. Well, it wasn't I tried a few, felt nothing, I tried 5 the next day, nothing, then 10 then 18 on Sunday....still NOTHING! I was disappointed because I couldn't get "the feeling" but also relieved to go right back on the sub and forget about the Norco since it didn't work anyway. I then started to obsessa about, well if I got more maybe I could get off the sub for 10 or 15 days, then it would work....but I was already beginning to feel a bit of withdrawl after a week of the sub, just a little anxiety, nervousness, sweaty, yawning, runny eyes/nose....so I thought it would work.
I'm ashamed and I'm certainly NOT the model of opiate recovery...I'm erabarrassed and feel like sh#$ today. But, I did get the application for an outpatient program and am filling it out and going to start in the program. I've also asked my psych doc and former rehab counselor if they'd help me start a suboxone support group. They said they would.
So, thanks for letting me get that off my chest frienRAB. It feels better. I screwed up and today is a new day. Plus, after going back on the sub yesterday, I felt so much better, slept better and was alot happier so I think I need to stick to my treatment plan for now!

Take care my frienRAB!

Woodrow
 
Kenwood,

I am in exactly the same positions as you. Yesterday was my 8th week on sub. I posted last night asking for advice and wish I saw your post earlier. Last week I got my hanRAB on some hydro...I stopped taking my sub for 2 days and took all the hydros.....looking for the same "last high" too.
8 weeks ago I decided I was done, tired of taking 40-50 pills a day, tired of the running, wasted money etc etc.....just made up my mind fially after years of eating vicodin like a meal.....I decided I was going to taper off, so I did that for a couple of days, than as I saw them dimish and I wasnt getting high off the dose I was taking, I figured I would take the 30 or so I had left for one last high and meet with the sub doc the next day. Well took the 30 pills and it did nothing...this was last week. I am kicking the sh-! out of myself for being so stupid.
Needless to say, I am with you buddy, we are in the same boat and I am glad you posted because it is helping me to know that someone else is right there with me.
we will get through it, as hard as it seems to be, to not want that "one last time"....
 
Hi Yank,
Yup, sure sounRAB like we are in the same boat....well, it's almost good that it happened that way because now that I'm taking the sub, I realize I would have to go off for a long, long time in order to feel any effects from the hydro, because of sub's long half-life, AND because hydro is one of the weaker opiates. Maybe it'll be like a Pavlov's dogs experiement....take away our way to get high and we then see the pills and don't associate it with that euphoric feeling and it just becomes like a bottle of advil or something. That would be amazing as I still fanataize when I'm in drug store pharmacies about jumping over the desk and sweeping all the pills right out of there!! A little private fantasy of my own.....
But, seriously, I can only hope that the sub works to help me never crave opitaes again! I really mean it this time....I don't want to go through this ever again. And, if there's anything I've gotten through my thick skull already, it's that now that I'm back on my sub for the past 2 days, I'm feeeling GREAT again!! I like feeling good and want to stay feeling good so I MUST stay away from the destructive forces of hydrocodone!!
Like NP said, I'm getting back on that horse and riding it bareback!! (OK, I added hte bareback part in... :0)

Good luck to you Yankee and keep us posted, would you?

KEW
 
....my story reminRAB me of something I heard from a guy while I was in treatment back in '05. He was alone at home and started to have weird thoughts, cravings, obsessing, etc.....he called his sponsor or an NA friend and said, "you have to help me! Come get me, I'm alone in the house with a crazy person!!" Just goes to show you, we as addicts can't be alone with our thoughts for very long or we get in to dangerous territory....I'm sure I could have prevented my little "test" if I had talked to someone about my thoughts and feelings and why I wanted to try and get the high "just one last time"....glad to be back on track now, though!

kew:p
 
Sharing and getting it off of your chest is a good thing. Feeling ashamed is actually a good feeling too, because it is telling yourself that you shouldn't have done it in the first place. We all seem to go through the cravings from time-to-time, I have and I still do at times wonder what it would be like to take another dose to see how I would feel. For me, the Oxy never gave me the euphoric effect that some people crave. It just stopped my pain and I was relieved for that. It also gave me almost as much pain getting off of it.

So, this is a time where NA would have helped you when you got that first thought, so you could talk it out with someone and got help immediately while the thought was fresh in your mind. Sharing here is good too, but it sometimes is not as fast to respond as picking up a phone and talking to someone.

What you did really helps me understand the power of sub and how it helps stop the cravings. It has its own addictive/withdrawal problems, but if you make a plan to use it as a tool to get off of opiates and taper down with a goal of getting off, then it is a good thing.

Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry you're feeling crappy today. Use the crappy feeling as a reminder so you don't try it again and keep working with the sub and plan to become drug-free one day. Good Luck.
 
zHey Kenwood.
Just reread my post, and looks like I mixed the 2 stories together. Bottom line is stated a taper took the last 30 and it did nothing.....went on subs and last week got hydros, took them all bc a few did nothing, than all of them did nothing....I agree, hopefully the fact that nothing happened will keep me from doing them again...I too feel great, just so much more motivated than ever, actually heading out on my frienRAB boat now!
Keep in touch buddy!
 
Dude (if I may fondly call you that, Kewood) -- don't beat yourself up. If no one posted when they relapsed, none of us would be here.

I was on methadone maintenance back in the '70s. It's the same principle as Suboxone -- gets addicts off heroin by stopping WD and cravings. But it also blocks the high from heroin or any other opiates. Well, eventually Dilaudid (pills) came into popularity as an alternative to heroin -- addicts would crush and inject it. Supposedly it was a great high, so I decided to try it despite being on methadone. Nothing. Did more. Nothing. Eventually I did some ridiculous amount at once -- enough to kill a normal person, but I still didn't get much of a high. Same scenario as yours, different DOC. My point being, you're not the only one who's done this type of thing. It's really difficult to not want to re-live that "high" one more time. But dude -- it's not worth it. I think you do realize that now. Back on the horse for you, with the rest of us! :-) I mean, Suboxone.
 
Yeah, Yankee, let's just stick to the sub and work hard to stay off the hydros and whatever else we may want to try...it won't work and I don't know about your doc but mine will do random UA's and if they show up dirty, you get one more chance to stay in the sub program. A 2nd dirty ua means you are out and he'll give a referral to inpatient but he'll discontiue me on the suboxone....I need to stay on the straight and narrow here! I've actually had a pretty good last couple of days. How about you?
 
Hi Kewood,

Please do not feel ashamed. SounRAB like you are taking the necessary steps to get back on the path. We all sturable around at times, but it is our ability to recognize we are lost and ask for help that makes all the difference. Getting it off your chest is tough, but sometimes the understanding others have to give can be a welcome surprise.

Stay strong!
 
Dude, you can call me dude anytime! I seem to have the same habit of calling people that also. Thanks for the support all of you guys, Denon, NotPerky, verydisciplined & Yankee...It means alot and it gives me some accountability to live up to. Even though I don't know you at all, I've told you my deepest, darkest, most shameful secret (of late) and still you aren't judging me, you are here for me and supporting me....it feels good and I feel motivated to keep on working and going in the right direction. Thanks to all of you!

kewood
 
That's what I like about this forum. It's anonymous and it allows people to open up and get things off of their chest. Some people were here that didn't even tell their spouse about their problem and we were here to help and support them. We are all here for a similar reason, no matter what the initial circumstance and share our education and trials and errors, so that others can get thorough their addiction easier or without making the same mistakes that we made. It's a difficult road to travel and getting clean is only half the battle. Staying clean is just as difficult. But, there is always someone here to talk to and share your concerns and give you advice on what might be the right path to take.
 
yankee3,

Please address the concerns of the original poster, and start a new thread for your own questions.

I have moved your post to a new thread:
"trying again after relapse"
 
Back
Top