We've all heard about men having guts and men having balls. In fact, they are both slang for 'courage'. But you know what? They aren't synonyms. Do you want to know the difference between them? GUTS- is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning or are you going flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next." __________________________________________________________ Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do a season series entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style." The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay, I Love the Dixie Chicks, Boycott Beef, I Voted for John Kerry, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2008 and I'm here to confiscate your gun" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins. _______________________________________________________ A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you." "Great idea," the drunk replies. "T*ts!" __________________________________________________________ A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that got me so excited I had to lay you right there on the pool table with all my buddies spraying whip cream on us???" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, actually I'm your son's math teacher." _________________________________________________________ A husband and wife are having major problems after 15 years of marriage, so they go to a counselor. The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife launches into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her very passionately. The woman shuts up and stares at him quietly in a daze. The counselor then turns to the husband and says, "Your wife is lonely. This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Tuesdays I play poker, Thursdays I go bowling, and Fridays I go sailing. Do you work Saturdays?" _________________________________________________________ Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel,I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm." ________________________________________________________ A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two bratty kids in tow. Up and down the aisles she screams obscenities at them. The kids of course act miserable the whole time. No one has a clue what to do or say. As a result, the whole place is in a tense hush wherever the three of them go. Finally the manager sends over the official Wal-Mart Greeter. He tells the elderly man to see if he can get some peace and quiet one of the kids kicks. For his efforts, he is immediately kicked in the leg by one of the kids. Unfazed, he puts on his official Greeter face and says, "Good morning, Ma'am, and welcome to Wal-Mart... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell No, they ain't twins. The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7." The woman actually pauses for a moment. "Hey, why would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?" "No", replies the greeter, "it was just beyond my imagination to think you could actually have gotten more than once!"
Another joke (in perspective of a man)
Why We Split:
She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore. Too bad, but I would have to quit drinking. Then the next day I caught her spending $65.00 on a tiny bottle of make-up. I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that wasn't necessary, that's what the beer was for! Besides, my beer was 40 bucks cheaper. I don't think she's coming back…
Another joke (in perspective of a man)
Why We Split:
She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore. Too bad, but I would have to quit drinking. Then the next day I caught her spending $65.00 on a tiny bottle of make-up. I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that wasn't necessary, that's what the beer was for! Besides, my beer was 40 bucks cheaper. I don't think she's coming back…