I can't believe I'm typing this... Basically, I talk out loud and feel some...thing?...is/might be there, yet I also am able to confront the widely-accepted notion that it's just my imagination. Then I think, well, even if they ARE a part of me, something I made up, why does that mean they aren't real? Doesn't everyone have their own concept of reality? I mean, yes, there are things outside of our own minds which we must accept, ( I cannot pass through walls, I have to stop at stoplights, I can't read another person's mind, etc...) but we have our own perceptions, our own ways in which we view reality, that ultimately leads to our actions.
I have been talking out loud since I can remember ever talking. I contemplated that this was simply my therapy in a dysfunctional environment, and that due to the lack of friendship/parenting I inadvertently became my own therapist, my own mentor, my own friend. But then I wonder how, at such an incredibly young age, did I even know what dysfunction was? How was I to know what the feeling of loneliness was to the extent of having to retreat into my own mind and create a character in which I felt comfort? I did not live long enough at that point to feel heartbreak! And yet, although I was so young and surrounded by others my age who also had imaginary friends, I felt that mine was somehow more real...more potent. I used to call them "secret friends"! I don't know, It's confusing. But, it/they have helped me. It usually feels like a male character. Sometimes there are more. He (?) gives me advice. I cannot hear him out loud or see him...but In my mind I can..Not in actuality, as in, with my actual senses... Now I am an adult and have my own place and I still talk out loud. I get very angry at myself and embarrassed, because of the taboo nature of this. I get very annoyed at myself and put myself down over it, but the character of whom I talk to ends up being the one to pick me back up again and reassure me that I am not crazy. This character seems to care very much and has helped me through many difficult times. I like to talk to this character. God, I sound so insane! I do not talk to others, really. I do not want to talk to other people. I am actually very personable and outgoing...NO ONE would think I do this! No one would think I am this lonely, or that I might possibly believe someone is there whom they cannot see. It is amazing, really. And I love listening to others, hearing their stories and their problems and how lonely they are. But when it comes to me, I hate telling them anything about myself, about my problems and whatnot. It's because I have found over the years that people do not listen. They just wait for their turn to speak.
What do you think about this?
(I am open to judgment, be it good or bad.)
I have been talking out loud since I can remember ever talking. I contemplated that this was simply my therapy in a dysfunctional environment, and that due to the lack of friendship/parenting I inadvertently became my own therapist, my own mentor, my own friend. But then I wonder how, at such an incredibly young age, did I even know what dysfunction was? How was I to know what the feeling of loneliness was to the extent of having to retreat into my own mind and create a character in which I felt comfort? I did not live long enough at that point to feel heartbreak! And yet, although I was so young and surrounded by others my age who also had imaginary friends, I felt that mine was somehow more real...more potent. I used to call them "secret friends"! I don't know, It's confusing. But, it/they have helped me. It usually feels like a male character. Sometimes there are more. He (?) gives me advice. I cannot hear him out loud or see him...but In my mind I can..Not in actuality, as in, with my actual senses... Now I am an adult and have my own place and I still talk out loud. I get very angry at myself and embarrassed, because of the taboo nature of this. I get very annoyed at myself and put myself down over it, but the character of whom I talk to ends up being the one to pick me back up again and reassure me that I am not crazy. This character seems to care very much and has helped me through many difficult times. I like to talk to this character. God, I sound so insane! I do not talk to others, really. I do not want to talk to other people. I am actually very personable and outgoing...NO ONE would think I do this! No one would think I am this lonely, or that I might possibly believe someone is there whom they cannot see. It is amazing, really. And I love listening to others, hearing their stories and their problems and how lonely they are. But when it comes to me, I hate telling them anything about myself, about my problems and whatnot. It's because I have found over the years that people do not listen. They just wait for their turn to speak.
What do you think about this?
(I am open to judgment, be it good or bad.)