Afraid to be happy... worrying myself sick... what if?

[jann71]

I've suffered from depression and anxiety for many years but lately it seems to be getting worse. For instance, it's like I am afraid to let myself be happy. I will be laughing and having a good time and all the sudden the thought will hit my mind that I better stop or something bad might happen.

I've always been somewhat of a pessimist, but anymore I always think negative about most everything. I seem to always think about the downside to everything instead of the upside.

I live in constant fear of something happening to my husband or my family. I panic if I can't reach one of them by phone. The longer I can't reach them the more upset I get and the worse the thoughts become to the point that I'm nearly frantic by the time I hear from them.

I do the "what if" thing a lot. What if this happens... what if that happens. I'm "what ifing" myself insane.

And I am so emotional anymore. I cry over silly things like spilled food or sad tv commercials. Sometimes I cry for no reason at all. I hate it.

And I'm so moody. One minute fine, the next gritting my teeth and yelling. I'm very easily aggitated.

I don't want to live this way, always in fear of something bad happening, being hateful, worrying sick. I want to be happy. I just don't know what to do. I take 60mg Cyrabalta and 25mg Pamelor. I go to counseling once a month. They wanted me to take Abilify but some of my medical conditions and medications don't mix well with it and the possible side effects so I haven't.

Has anyone out there ever felt like I do in these ways? I appreciate all replies. Thanks.

 

[css1]

I don't know if this will help, yet, here is a story.

Well, each story is different and I don't want to bore you with specifics so I will try and generalize.

Anyways, once i started rolling down hill, after a few years it picked up speed, and about that time, in my business I needed to be my best ever and I worst at my worst physically and mentally in a long time.

And I was blowing, all kinRAB of thoughts like you say, yet, there were days I had my poop together and they went well for 3-4 days...............and then I'd lose it.

So, I started mentally recognizing the triggers and patterns, and I said to myself nah no way, can't be..............and yet the big pattern went on and on and on, not good.

So, I put on my detectives cap and took out a magnifying glass, and over 3 months this is what I found.

A. run my ragged, okay we all do that, yet, I'd start missing meals, thinking working catching up was more important

B. and then i'd get so hungry i'd eat a big boy gooble it all up meal because I was famished, and I discovered one type of these big meals had one thing in common, processed white flour............so if the meal had several pieces of white break, or half a box of ritz crackers this would be the beginning of a spiral mode

C. then i would wake up more tired than normal very tired, and instead of a cup or two of coffee, i'd have 4-5-6, now i'm wired and stressed out

D. then a big huge critical financial decision would cross my desk and I had only several minutes too handle it.............and 80% of the time I'd blow it and cost my business money

E. now, i'm in the hole business wise, arghhhhhhhhhhhh, which just caused more stress

F. this would crescendo with total exhaustion and i'd have too chill out for 3-4 days, being totally unproductive

G. now, i would have too start all over, from scratch, way behind the eight ball


Now, here was the tough part, if one of those steps were missed, let's say instead of a huge white flour meal i gorged on steak, i would not wake up tired, and then 2-3 cups of coffee were fine. Or, if i gorged out on white stuff but did drank a ton of coffee but the next day I did not miss any meals, when the big decision came money wise I was fine.

So, there was this pattern happening, yet, it never crossed my mind they were all intertwined because that Perfect Pattern that rolled me down the hill only happened every 4-6 weeks, yet, when it hit, boy did i crash and blow it all.

Once I got the whole pattern figured out, now I knew where all of the land mines were my brain calmed down a bit. Okay, first I wasn't nutzzzzzzzzzz, lol, there was a method causing this madness. And threw some hard work, which face it we are all doing it already just in the wrong direction I was able too turn it around.

Now, I'm not saying that is you, I'm just saying, there are possibilities out there that sometimes we never consider, and thus are brains go crazy trying to figure stuff out.

hoped that helped
good luck