T
teachmehow
Guest
I have taken adderall on and off for 5 years. Honestly, it has been more on than off. I started buying it from a girl in class my junior year of highschool and am now a junior in college. I have smoked weed on and off since I was a freshman in highschool, again more on than off. I am trying to stop taking adderall currently because it is slowly ruining my life. My freshman year I took 60 mg a day and drank two redbulls (caffene interacts with adderall, intensifies it) I had a 3.4 GPA and partied hard EVERY night til 4 am would get up at 7 am and never miss a class or an assignment. By the end of the last semester, right around when Brittney Spears shaved her head, I was feeling like I was going insane too. I honestly had to hide the magazine of my roommates with Brittney and her bald head on the cover to stop thinking about how insane the world and I were becoming at least to my adderalled out mind. I remeraber calling my mom one day, telling her about 10 things I had done before noon and then complaining about how I could never get it all done I was falling so far behind and how I didn't know if I could even do it anymore. It was awful. I took the summer off from the adderall and even quit smoking weed for a while after a classmate took too many drugs and hung himself. I went to Ireland and didn't touch anything but of course alcohol at the end of the summer. Yet I was excited for school to come so that I could be superwoman again and feel great, not to mention loose some weight (I was never the least bit fat without it but have always had a distorted body image). When school came I did alright for the first semester than failed miserably the second. I still have a 2.9 GPA which is sad because I could not apply to nursing school this semester as planned because you have to have at least a 3.0. Before drugs I was always a straight A student. I have always been an overachiever but the bad kind. The kind that sees black and white, all or nothing. I have to get an A or might as well just get an F. HORRIBLE way to think but somehow I can't seem to change. I also have this problem where I NEED a guy one that loves me and pays constant attention to me. Then I purposely create problems and seem to unconciously beg for attention so much that the guy gets annoyed or that he gives it to me and I no longer enjoy the guy because they are no longer a challenge but are instead an annoyance. I don't know if I will ever have any hope. I have cut out all relationships. i don't think that there is a single person that truely knows me. I have been this way for a long time. Its a sad way to live and I want to know how to change. 