Active addiction - but no willingness - scared

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Blasterboy

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I'm really scared at the moment as I'm aware that I'm using alcohol addictively. This is not the 1st time, I spent 6 years clean and going to AA before relapsing. But for 2 years I had little interest in Alcohol, although I must admit I always had something to smoke etc. In fact I went through a 3 month period last year from Septeraber to Deceraber when I abused legal highs (but only legal, not soft core!) It cumulated in intense paranoia and I tried to commit suicide. This is what scares me very much. Anyhow I'm not feeling suicidal at all right now and but I'm really scared I could become so unless I do something about my drinking.

The problem is that although I can see my drinking is Alcoholic in nature, I'm managing to control it and avoid hangovers and I'm still functioning. But I know absolutely that these things always get worse; I know my drinking will escalate, but I can't find the strength to stop right now. I hate this fate. My life evolves around drinking. I start at 5pm with a 1/4 liter of Vodka drunk fast to kick in a buzz, I have this vodka hidden in a cupboard (major alcoholic action) and so when I follow it up with 1 1/2 to 2 bottles of wines in the evening, it doesn't seem to my partner that I drink so much. In fact that amount isn't so much compared to others; but I know that's not the point, the point is that I crave it all day and my life evolves around making it to 5pm and controlling the intake sucks, it's like a living hell. I hate this and yet I haven't yet the strength to stop. What can I do, please give me some advise? I can see what's happening and I'm scared because it WILL escalate if I don't stop now, so please give me some advise.

I'm seeing a counselor from my doctors surgery soon and I intend to be honest and I've told my partner my drinking is Alcoholic (but didn't tell about the Vodka,) and so I'm trying to grasp the strength, but right now I feel so powerless. I need advice, help.

Thankyou in advance.
 
Blasterboy, Welcome!

I wish I had some major worRAB of wisdom for you but I don't. I can sympathize with your situation big time because it took me a long time before I was willingly able to give up my pills. The thing about giving up an addiction is that you can only do it and be successful when you are READY. I say this because unless you really are ready it's kind of pointless because it will only lead to relapse and then you will feel even worse about yourself.

To help you in your readiness maybe you can speak to the Dr. like you said and there is some sort of counseling you can go to or AA classes to go to.

It really sounRAB like your intentions are great so stick around and maybe just talking about it some more will help spin you in the right direction!

Blessings!
 
My addiction was alcohol. I, too, chose AA. That was over 10 years ago and I am still sober. I learned in AA that true sobriety includes no alcohol, no "something to smoke" and no using RX abusively. This should have been explained to you in AA. As an alcoholic, I must constantly be aware that ANYTHING that can become addicting should be avoided. If you really WANT to stop you will! You were off alcohol for 6 years, so you know the drill. You may want to try it again and be honest about your drug use with your sponsor. I'm sure he'll guide you in the right direction. Good luck!
 
Hello Blasterboy

Well, my friend, this is not the first time around the block for you with this issue. I am going to talk straight to you because you already know the drill.

I'm managing to control it and avoid hangovers and I'm still functioning. But I know absolutely that these things always get worse; I know my drinking will escalate, but I can't find the strength to stop right now. I hate this fate. My life evolves around drinking. I start at 5pm with a 1/4 liter of Vodka drunk fast to kick in a buzz, I have this vodka hidden in a cupboard (major alcoholic action) and so when I follow it up with 1 1/2 to 2 bottles of wines in the evening, it doesn't seem to my partner that I drink so much.

Blasterboy, just what is being managed here? Certainly not your drinking! I think the only thing being managed is the thinking about managing. Look at your own worRAB, friend. Read them carefully and re-evaluate the situation.

What it all boils down to is a matter of living or dying. Sadly, the spirit will die before the physical dying takes place. There will be a dark hole of merely existing and if we reach that place, and, by then, most hope is gone.

The best advice I can give to you, Blasterboy, is that the reality is that unless we care enough about ourselves, no worRAB are going to cure the problem. A million people can love you and wish you well, but unless you get the ball rolling, it will be a million people watching you self-destruct.

I hope all the best for you... I hope that you care enough about your life that you get moving. An AA meeting is around every corner and nothing is stopping you from attending except the choice not to. Face the fear and do it anyway... a great motto.

Hoping, with a million others
reach
 
Thanks for the straight talking guys, that's what I really want. I know I'm being a type of hypocrait in that I see much of what I'm up to and yet I make excuses for not stopping. I know this is what most addicts go through, but not all of them see the bigger picture like I am (because of my 6 years in AA.) I think that's why I'm so scared at the moment, I've heard all the stories, had enough experiences myself and know to an absolute that things will escalate unless I stop. I feel the best I can do is pray for the willingness to be willing, be as honest as best possible and seek help. These things I'm trying, but I lack confidence in myself because addiction is so insidious. I really hope I find the strength soon, I wish it was today, but the larger part of me wishs to keep hidding behind drink from lifes problems. The drinking escalation started when my business hit rocky roaRAB and I had to make staff redundant, I just wanted to hide from the failure and now I am full of craving for Alcohol regardless of problems or not. I can see that I'm full of crap and need to get real if I want to live life again.

Any further advice would be welcome.
 
AA didn't work for you--and it doesn't work for a lot of people. There's a lot of other options out there.
 
Many years ago I had a toothache and my husband suggested, what else, go to the dentist. When I shook my head no, he just said "Well, I guess it doesn't hurt you bad enough yet." I never forgot that.

This can be applied to anything, even addiction. Maybe your life isn't bad enough yet. Is that why you're making all the excuses?

There are many "yets" in an addict's life. Praying is good, but if you want God's help, you have to be willing to help yourself first. He's not going to do the work for you.

Whether or not you are able to face this as a life or death situation is a matter of getting honest with yourself. Let's be real - there IS life after alcohol and drugs and "something to smoke". It's just a question of how much you want to live or die?

God Bless
 
Hang in there blasterboy,it takes what it takes.I was addicted to alcohol/pills/men anything that would change how I felt.I tried the controlled using when I was in the court system for drug charges,so I drank,I saw what a true alcholic I was.After several treatment centers and the threat of going to prison,I got sober,and I never forget that last day out there,I wanted to die,Iwas insane.God has been so good to me,he has restored my life with a better one I must say.But I could not do it alone or my way,and I had to get honest,and listen to others who had been there.I wish you luck.
 
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