A Villanelle, feedback?

Chaz1885

New member
A Barren land and shattered ground
What once was alive is now broken and dead
Where nothing is left to be found

Where once was music, there isn’t a sound
Where once was waters, no tear is shed
A barren land and shattered ground

Where once was strength, now left unsound
Only ghosts are left to tread
Where nothing is left to be found

Where once was clean, now waste abound
Where once was bliss, now only dread
A barren land and shattered ground

Where once was joy and hope profound
Death and disorder are left instead
Where nothing is left to be found

There is no longer hope of rebound
The world has cracked, wept and bled
A barren land and shattered ground
Where nothing is left to be found.
I was beginning to think no one would ever respond hehe.
I always take good feedback and suggestions to heart, and i take no offense at all to your suggestion.
I do plan to keep on writing as I am an English major with a plan on a minor in creatve writing.
Thanks!
 
This is fierce work. The attempt alone is commendable quite separately from your obvious success.
Truly, well done.

But (and I'm sorry that there is one), with the back patting out of the way, I do have a suggestion to humbly put to you on the topic of your topic.

I think you would derive a great deal more out of this if you followed through with another Villanelle but this time perhaps choosing a more personal or more mundane subject to write about

I hope I've not offended you with my suggestion and I truly hope that you intend to write more. This is definitely good work but I sense a great deal of untapped potential just waiting for a more relaxed Chaz to come on the scene.

Great stuff!
 
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