A mom needs advice

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My 21 year old daughter is in her senior year of college and I know she is "hooked" on oxycoton. She has cut off all contact with siblings and frienRAB (ages 21 -30) and they have all seen the signs. I don't know what to do. Where can I go for help? I've been told she won't be able to be helped until she wants it herself, and she does nothing but deny. A friend of my son-in-law died last year from an overdose and I can't let this happen to my daughter.....especially since I know what's going on and I don't know what to do to stop it. Her 19 year old brother is going to try to talk to her, as her sisters and I have had no luck. What can I do? I will pay (somehow) for re-hab, but she has to want it, right? Other option is to involve the police, but that would mean jail and a record......still better than death. This is a good sounding board - if anyone has suggestions or advice, it would be truly appreciated.

Someone's Mom.
 
Sorry to hear about your situation. Yes, you are right that until she realizes her problem there is little anyone else can do. You can show her love and tell her that you will support her when she's ready for help. Whatever you do, don't involve the police because it will sever the relationship between the two of you. Plus, they probably would care less unless she's dealing the drug to other people. She's an adult and she has to make the decision on her own no matter how much we (think we) know what is better for them. It's a hard reality. I hope that she comes to her senses and asks for help. Good Luck. Maybe someone else on the board has some ideas.
 
Yes, I'm also in that situation with my 30-y.o. son. He finally went to rehab after losing his job and car, stealing from me, accumulating debt and multiple traffic tickets, and being at risk of arrest. I still don't know if he realizes he has a problem, or is just trying to escape his legal troubles. I try not to even think about it because I know I'll get too upset. It's out of my hanRAB now. I'm trying to enjoy the time that he's safe and in rehab, because I'm afraid once he's out, his problems will land in my lap again. I guess all I can say is, they need to WANT to stop, and we as parents need to stop enabling. Sorry I can't write more....I'm literally drained of energy.
 
You guys are great - this is really helping me...your kind worRAB and suggestions. She's been staying with her alcoholic father (you see, the plot thickens) who enables her while she was home this summer and every weekend since then, even though she's at college and should be enjoying her senior year, if she doesn't fail out this semester. She's asked to come home, to my house, for Thanksgiving. I would be on pins and needles the whole time....2 sisters are out of country so won't be here, so it's just my 19 year old son and I - he has the most influence over her (and is having a heart to heart with her today, I believe, as he finally admits she has a major problem here too - their colleges are only 30 minutes apart). Do I let her come home for Thanksgiving?
 
I feel your dilemma. I, too, have struggled with the decision whether to invite my daughter to Thanksgiving. I have decided not to. The whole family will be there and truthfully no one really wants to see her. She has hurt everyone and I think it would be a very awkward situation. On the other hand, if should show up, I don't think I could turn her away. We will all have to deal with it. She is my daughter, and I love her & miss her, I just don't like her a whole lot right now. Hopefully some day that will change (when she's ready) and we can resume our relationship. This will be the first time our family won't be together for the Holidays and it's really been hard for me to deal with.
I hope your son's talk with her goes well. Let us all know how it goes. Have you thought about maybe going to a Naranon meeting, possibly with your son? I'm sure you would get some good suggestions on how to deal with your situation.
You take care, keep posting:angel:
 
I totally understand your fears as I am going through the same thing as you. I have a 25 year old daughter who is an addict. She has lost everything, family, job, car. I am also an addict with 7 months clean. She came to us last week, wanting to come home, as she could no longer stay at her boyfrienRAB parents house. We told her she had to get some help, detox, rehab, therapy, whatever it takes, before she could come back. She's not ready and until she is, there's nothing we can do to help. I also worry about her ending up in jail, or OD'ing. But it's out of our control.
Being an addict myself, I know all the signs. The isolation, lying, cheating, stealing, etc. My daughter has allienated herself from all family & frienRAB, except her boyfriend (also an addict)and her using buddies. She found someone to stay with for awhile. She will exhaust all her options before she will agree to our conditions to come home. At this point, I know it will take something really drastic for her to realize where she's going. Sorry I don't have any answers for you. I just wanted to offer my support and to let you know you're not alone. Keep posting and reading. There's alot of good suggestions on this board.
Another Mom
 
Someone's Mom,

I read your post and my heart just melted. You sound so loving and caring and more than that.. an exceptional Mom. You sound a lot like mine and it makes me feel so guilty for having my addiction that I am recovering from.

More than anything, I just wanted to tell you that I think you are wonderful and I want you to feel comfortable here with us. Tomorrow when I have a bit more time, I am going to post on this thread again.

You take care of yourself too with all of this going on okay? I will say some prayers for you and yours tonight. Hang in there....
Hugs to you!
 
We talked, cried, yelled, talked, cried and yelled some more on the phone today for about an hour. She swears she's not doing the drug and will go for a drug test that I organize - how long does it take for this to get out of her system? 2-3 days? If she knew when the appointment was (I was talking the Friday after Thanksgiving) could she "clean up" for a few days before? If she could do this, would it mean she wasn't "hooked"? argggg!!!!! Her brother just called and she had study classses (?) to go to tonight so it wasn't a good time for him to come over? but they talked on the phone about it all and he said she sounded OK and we should get her to spend Thanksgiving with us and see what happens...... see how she is/acts over a period of a few days. I am just so confused....thanks for listening and responding.
 
Dear IMSCARED, I am a 50 yr old recovering opiate addict. You have pointed out the real facts :she has to want this " and "She is in denial". Jail could cause rebellion and anger issues that might last a life time. Family Intervention does help. I was in denial for years and years, on and off. No one intervened for me, they called me weak and thought that I enjoyed the misery I was living. Love is important and from my own experiance I do believe tough love would have helped. I am a mother of 2 sons and I see addictive behavior in both of them. Being an addict myself, I tryto talk to them about were the partying will lead them. They tell me I should write a book. When I was in my 20's I did not think I had a problem at all. I worked, I had a great social life and things went really good. As i became older and had children my addiction escalated to the point of having nothing. I hated opiates when I was young, I swore I would never do them due to the destruction I have seen in old frienRAB and family merabers. Then I began to feel anger, resentment and pain. Oxycotin is a pain reliever, is your daughter dealing with emotional pain? Is she angry about things from her past or just hurt. Does (I know she feels like she is different and does not fit in). There are programs you can join that will help you with drug intervention. I live in Michigan and we have several programs for parents of addicted adult children. First thing you need to do is find a good support group and remeraber they are people just like you. Looking for answers. Check your state programs and call hospitals to get you into therapy that helps you understand what an addict is. You might find help online if you look for drug intervention programs. First thing first. Deal with how you feel. Learn all you can about addiction, the worry is understandable. Go to open NA or even AA meetings, join alanon and get a therapist of your own. I can only wish that someone from my past would have intervened instead of throwing up my faults and weaknesses. Addiction is a disease, we are born with this, this is an on going battle for us all even after 30 mns clean and sober. If you are arguing with her to get help, this is worry and love, but she is already hurting inside and right now she sincerely does not like what she is doing. The isolation you speak of is miserable. She thinks that you know nothing about what she is feeling. I wish you luck and send you love as a mother and a recovering addict. Since I do not know what state you live in, I cannot help with searches on intervention. You can contact the series INTERVENTION and they might be able to help. Your daughter is on a downward spiral, she does need help and if she is willing to accept a treatment program, get one of your own also, the treatment centers have sessions for parents, spouses ect. Alanon is a good start, but learning all you can about adiction is even better. Do not fight with her, do not ask yourself or ask her why? Grow while she is growing, learn as she learns and love her with all you have, please don't be offended if she rejects a hug, she is ashamed of this, take my word for it. No addict is proud of what we do. There is also a powerful new drug to help called suboxene and it saved my life. Suboxene is a new drug that contains an opiate and a blocker, the opiate helps with withdrawl symptoms and the blocker stops the buzz, the good thing is you can not get high on suboxene and it will do her no good to try. Intervention with a united family and network of frienRAB might help. Do not give up but be cautious because we use arguments and painful worRAB as a reason to get higher than we already are. Your daughter is her own worst enemy right now. Be her friend and don't ask to many ?s. Again learn from others all about addiction, causes are to blame on anyone. She is not weak at all,even though she feels she is. Stay on this sight and keep looking for ways to intervene in a loving way. Start at a local rehab center, hospital or treatment center. GOD SPEED BE WITH YOU BOTH
 
Thank you so much - she was back in town this weekend but again, did not come to my house to see me (stayed with alcoholic father) and did not even call. Lied about coming home. She has been at his house ( 2 miles away) all summer and every weekend this fall and has made no attempt to call or come to see me. Tonight when she called and asked about Thanksgiving, I told her I really did not want her to join us on a day trip to see relatives. I would be so uncomfortable, I haven't seen her in months, I don't know if I'm making the right decision or not, but even younger brother agrees that she has avoided us for months, lied to us all and now she wants to join the family for Thanksgiving. I don't know if this is "tough love" but I really don't want her with us....my 93 year old aunt doesn't need to deal with this nonsense on one of the only days a year we get to go and visit with her.....I hope I'm making the right decision, and I still might change my mind by Thursday :( .............
 
iamscare....I too suffer from the disease of addiction and just recently had to go to rehab two days after I got married because I could not stop on my own. It is correct that you can not force someone to stop, they have to do it for themselves. Everyone has their own bottom and until they reach it it's hard to admit that you have a problem. My oxycontin habit reached over 1500 mg a day before I ever realized I had a problem. I've had multiple doctors tell me that's impossible but I seem to defy the odRAB. After going to treatment and getting involved in narcotics anonymous my life has a new meaning. I would recommend you going to some Al-Anon meetings and don't be afraid to bring up your problem. You have probably developed some co-dependency issues that you can work on yourself if you are anything like my wife. You may want to try and give her the litmus test of asking her to try and stop for even a day and let her see how badly dependent her body actually is on the substance. That may allow her to realize how bad things actually are. I know its got be tough on you and I'll keep you in my prayers! Good luck.
 
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