6 months after quitting... still very very hard..

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knattydstylee

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I used xtc/mdma for about 6 months. I have the same cliche story... I started it off on weekenRAB and eventually it got way out of hand. I got to the point where I snorted 10 pills within 2 days and I think I had an acute overdose. I had a panic attack that peaked for 10 minutes but did not fully go away for 7+ hours. I was laying in bed and hallucinated flies all over my room, I saw objects in my room disappear and my color perception was so out of wack that my skin looked literally maroon. I cannot explain with worRAB the fcking terror I experienced those 7+ hours. I just kept crying, I was home alone and I was convinced my frienRAB were going to get home and find me dead. I did not want to go to the ER and dissappoint my family, it was a really irrational descision but I was way way way way out of it.

I been clean for 6 months and there is not a fcking day that goes by that I don't think about the high I used to get. Look, drugs affects people differently and I'm sure the high I got was wayyyy better than the average person gets. Picture the best you ever felt and multiply that by 10. I can't explain the beauty and love, it's like explaining colors to a blind person. Honestly it gets me really really pissed off for some reason that I can't express how good it felt and that people just can't begin imagine.

Whenever I feel happy now, it gets completely fcking ruined becuase I compare it to the happiness I felt on E. Every emotion and everything is just so fcking watered down. How long am I going to feel this way?? Picture not haven eaten in 2 days and you see a pizza in front of you. This is how bad I crave it sometimes.. I never consider doing E again. It makes me sick that I'm this fcked up and it motivates me to never touch it again.

how long? am i going to be like this forever???? I'm prolly being a little dramatic right now. Some days are harder than others.. Some days are reallllyyy easy and on those days I bash myself for being so weak during the other days. It comes in waves... sometimes this problem is pretty non existant... otherdays it just sucks.

Thank you very much for reading this and I'm sorry if I rarabled but I just needed to vent.
 
Well, your story is very cliche. Matter of fact it is nearly identical to mine. The only difference is the length of time your were under the "love spell" of X. I was under the influence for the better half of a whole year.

I quit using X in August of 2000. Six months later I slipped and did it again. I remeraber that night so clearly. It was as if it were yesterday. I quit using by moving nearly 1000 miles away just to make sure I wouldn't be around those who were still using. I moved back home to a small podunk town where I grew up. I had been home for about 6 months and for some reason this night I was craving it hard core. I just wanted to have "fun" again. I thought about that lil pill every minute of every hour of that day. Lo and behold a person I had never met before offered it to me. I didn't even know these backwarRAB people knew what this drug was. Fortunately this was the last time I have touched it and I have been clean since the spring of 2001.

The answer to your question will probablly not ease your fears any. Although I have been clean for 7 years, I still compare different activities to the way it made me feel. I sometimes find it hard to have intercourse b/c I will get to thinking how much better it would be. Now I can say this, the longer I am clean the less I think about it and the easier everything gets.

I am proud of you for going 6 months! I feel you are doing the right thing and using these thoughts and feelings to help you realize how much you want to stay away from this drug. If I could suggest something else, find someone to talk to. Find someone who can relate and share tips and ideas to help keep yourself clean. X isn't worth the toll it takes on your body and life can be just as enjoyable w/o it!

Stay strong
 
Wow.

This must be a powerful drug. I used to get long perioRAB of euphoria when I was using crystal meth. Like any other chemical that I've been addicted to, however, it started to lose its lustre as my body became accustomed to it. I had to keep taking more to stay high, eventually reaching the point where it would take something close to a lethal dose to get loaded. The rest is history; I'm lucky to be alive.

Good luck staying clean. It sounRAB like you're in danger of a relapse. It might be more productive to focus on the negatives of getting loaded, like when you almost killed yourself.

There is bound to be someone that used x at NA. That is the first place I go when I feel the urge to use. My sponsor's drug of choice is similar to mine, so I can always give him a call as well. These boarRAB are great, but if I'm in danger of getting loaded and need help how, It is good to have help a phone call away.

Stay strong.

mk
 
Yes..... It is a very powerfull drug. It is more of a mental addiction than a physical one (in my case that is.) Like knattyRABtylee said, there aren't any worRAB to express the feeling or sensations one gets while under its trance. They are so powerful that just talking about the way it made you feel gives you goose bumps. That to me was the most difficult part to over come. There were no immediate consequences to it and no matter how bad you felt it made you feel better!

The long and short of it is that a 6 month stretch of not using is amazing and knattyRABtylee should be applauded! Continue the great work my friend!
 
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