21 days clean, used 1x

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Wendy88

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Hi all!
So i'm just posting that i have 21 days clean today. it's so crazy to type that. i dont know where the time went. i've been so busy at work, i didn't even notice it passing.
I DID do 1 and a half roxys... 15 mg each.. . but to be fair (not a pill head excuse)... i have had migraines for the past month and only have been treating them with fioracet and my non - narcotic daily meRAB... no real pills.
So, when i got this tiny bit of roxy, i held it for a day cause i some how didn't have a headache at the time and i wanted to wait until i had a headache so it would at least help me there and i wouldnt take them solely to get high... i'd be lying if i wasn't excited to feel that feeling again, but i never in the past could have gone to bed knowing i had pills waiting for me.
So, the next day when i got a headache, i had them and took them. yes i got high (although honestly not as much as i expected to, which was odd).... but most importantly it really knocked out my headache and i havent really had a serious migraine since. I think it may have kicked me out of my bad headache cycle. which makes me so annoyed that i have gotten myself in this situation... i could really use these pills to help me feel better, if only i could trust myself to use them when i absolutely HAD to.
So, anyhow - i don't exactly consider this a slip... more of a test. i didnt freak out after, craving more pills. really, i didnt. and the next day on i was fine. no add'l cravings or anything... i dont know if that is normal or not.

my next challenge is on Thurs when i see a new general doctor and i decide what to do... to ask for a small amount of pills for my head until i see a new neurologist... or not. i'll really have to think deeply on this one. it's a hard choice when you have chronic pain..... and a tendency to abuse the meRAB that are the only things that actually help you. i need to think about what is right for me and my migraines... and also listen to my real voice and not the little pill voice. sometimes they sound very similar.
anyhow- besides the usual headaches, i'm feeling great. for those just starting out on your path and in the middle of feeling crappy and stomach sick and all restless leggy... know that it does end. and you will feel better. and then you have to deal with the other stuff, like staying clean etc... but at least you get to deal with that with a clear head, energy, and feeling more like the real you. it's worth it to just try and get to that point, just to give yourself a chance.
:)
 
ha! thanks so much! i feel good! it's nice to get up and not feel like i have to down an extra large red bull just to get my head in gear. at work i've been pulling 10 hour days... sometimes more... and the work i do is creative and requires perioRAB of intense focus... so the fact that i have a clear head AND energy... it's pretty amazing.
thanks to everyone who has been so supportive. i know im still at the beginning of this path, but it's nice to see that this life is possible for me. :)
 
Wendy I am SO PROUD OF YOU!! I don't post a lot, but have kept up with your story thru your posts!! I haven't made it to that stage yet, well I am almost a week clean, but that's only because I'm out and the refill isn't for another 2 wks. The funny thing is.....I don't even get a high off them anymore, and when I am totally clean I am SOOOO full of life and happy...but those cravings--get me every time. Please keep up the good work, you are an inspiration to the rest of us!!:angel:
 
meshel! good for you! a week is a week no matter how you slice it! you should feel proud! are you starting to come out of the physical w/RAB a bit?
i mean, so many times i'd end up clean just cause i ran out.. and it was extra hard (mostly cause i wasnt even close in mind set to giving them up) but as i warmed to the idea of either being pill sober or desperately needing to learn how to use them for my pain and not abuse them, i started to not mind as much those "breaks" in between refills... my body and mind needed them.
and some of those breaks can lead to really good things. thats what lead me here to my 21 days. i ran out of my script, moved states and have no current doctors yet to address my chronic pain issues. so i can deal with that when im ready.
it sure was easier to move (as you must know if you have read my little insane posts) that i moved for a job... but it was smart cause when i ran out of my script, i had so many other ways of getting more... it was an unending cycle. and that's something im removed from now.
when you feel its right (and remeraber its never really gonna feel right, but some time you may feel that extra hesitancy getting your script... or just so sick of waking up in that fog every day) and that may be the time that you try the path. you might sturable a ton, like i did! but you know, you get to just pick yourself up and start over again. each time it does get easier until u make it through the w/RAB....
and it blows when you get to that level (i've been there) where u are taking lots of pills and you arent even feeling them. that's another reason why i stopped. i felt like i was wasting them for times when i actually would need them for a headache... but i couldnt help myself.

I actually neglected to say that i am heading out over july 4th weekend to see my fiance and i know i have some pills there. THAT is going to be hard for me. he has quit for about 2 week as well.. maybe 2 and a half. and is doing well, but has such terribly chronic migraines that he really does need them... but he abuses them too. we are both trying to be on a healthier path and dont want to go back down the road. but of course, can be devils together as well... ahh self control... it's a hard one! just trying to be uber aware of what coming up so i can try and make choices i have thought about and not spur of the moment... sorry for the rarabling... thinking aloud.
 
Wendy, I know you can do this. Addiction is so tough to break. As you well know, it's an issue of making a choice, every moment of every day. I have confidence in you.

Sue
 
thanks for the sweet worRAB. i actually went to the dr today and did get a small script (30 pills.... usually i use to get 150) of percs cause of my migraines. i took a few earlier, but now that my headache is gone, i wont take any more. and i actually dont even WANT to take more. it's such an odd feeling. usually i'd be taking a bunch cause i just got a script etc... but im just happy my headache is gone and i dont want to ruin all the progress i made and let myself down. i know i can do it. i really am tired of that old life.
i'll keep you posted of my progress.
i hope you are doing well!!
 
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