21 days clean...lots of guilt

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ReD4Life

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Hi everyone! I hope that you are all travelling successfully through your journeys today. I wanted to post a quick update and share a couple thoughts.
First, I am on day 21 clean! I feel really good. My thoughts are clearer and more colorful. That is about the best way I can think of to describe them. I am more interested in what people are telling me, and more interested in connecting with others. I actually am thinking of my future as HAVING a future (I know, sounRAB weird).

I know I need to be careful. I had an awful migraine yesterday. My migraine meRAB (non-narcotic) worked, but sometimes they don't. In the past, when they didn't, I'd take Percocet in addition to the Lortab I took all the time(Lortab didn't do a thing for them). I don't have any percs here, and thought about maybe getting a small script from my doc. I let my mind run thru the scenario, and realized if I did get them, I'd take them all in a matter of days. I have decided it is too risky. Let's just hope I don't get one of those "resistant" migraines.

Here's the guilt part: During the years of my addicition, I did so many things that certainly did bother me at the time, but now they truly fill me with shame and remorse on a much larger level. I stole pills from family, frienRAB and neigrabroadors. I even went so far as to pour cough syrup with hydro in it into my own container and replace that cough syrup with some over the counter kind in their bottle.
There were many times I told the kiRAB there was no money for summer camps and things they wanted, when in reality, had I not been spending a small fortune on "consults" and outrageously priced hydro, there was plenty of money.
I left early from holiday family gatherings (like days early) to get home for a bottle of pills that would be getting mailed that I needed
I hate the things I did. I want to go and apologize for these acts, but I suffered my addiction in secret, and I'd like to not burden them with the knowledge now (not to mention the lack of trust many of those revelations would create). I think about the part of AA that requires the addict to make amenRAB to those they have wronged. In my case, those I wronged have no idea I wronged them, and telling them, I think, might be more for my conscience than for forgiveness since they don't see the need to forgive me. I guess I need to find a way to atone for what I have done indirectly. I am just very bothered by my past actions. I never want to feel like I have to live in bondage to those pills again...willing to risk far more valuable things in life for just a fix.
 
ReD4Life:
Although, I didn't go through AA, I can appreciate your predicament. Those that I loved were affected by my years of addiction to hydro and most never knew there was an issue - particularly my kiRAB. I've been sober for years and I suffered from guilt as well, but the one thing that I've come to realize is that I can't relive the past and I cannot let the guilt affect the future, all I can do is be the best dad/husband/friend that I can be and base that on what I think is best right now. We are products of our past, but we have to learn from it so that we don't repeat the past, but we cannot let the guilt from our past deeRAB control our future.

I think that the motto "First do no harm" is your best guide for dealing with your past. There will be people and situations where apologizing is the best course of action, but there certainly will be times and situations where suffering in silence is the best for those that you love.

Good luck and congratulations.
 
manthathurt, thanks for the worRAB of wisdom. Perhaps paying my debt forward instead of paying it back will have to be the way I handle it.
It just seems that these old memories of past mistakes have taken on new life. Or perhaps I never felt what were appropriate reactions to my behavior at the time, and only now am doing so. When I think of all the relationships I risked, the legal trouble I risked, to come by a few pills, I just want to go back and kick my own @ss. How sick we are when we are like that! Why does it take hinRABight to see it! Foresight would save us so much of the heartache. Instead, we rationalize all our behaviors when we are using, and bend everything in our lives to fit our addiction. What we can't bend, we avoid or eliminate.
 
ReD, maybe this is normal after tapering, because I too find myself thinking back on all the mistakes I've made in life. Not only the horrifying and erabarrassing stuff I did while I was on drugs, but even the times that I missed out on my child's life because I wanted to be out partying all night with the gang from work. It really does make you want to cry, doesn't it? But I think you're right -- we just need to "pay it forward", leave the guilt behind and start a new chapter of our life.
 
I really like the idea of paying it forward. And, anyway, as I recall, the idea of making amenRAB, etc., is cushioned with the warning to only do that if it *wouldn't* make more problems. Like, "I'm so sorry I slept with your husband/wife/daughter/son when I was partying at your house. Please forgive me." Drastic example, but you get the idea.

Guilt shouldn't become an old companion. It can be a tool, but not one that neeRAB be kept in our belt on a daily basis.
 
I had never thought of "pay it forward" theme, but I find it appropriate - I think that's why I'm here trying to help those who are where I've been. I have a very good friend who is a recovering alcoholic and I've seen what happens when the guilt overcomes and rules your life - until he was able to move on, his life was a mess, a sober mess, but still a mess. I definitely there is a time and a place for making amenRAB where possible, but unfortunately, making amenRAB is not always possible and the best we can do is to move on and try to make the most of what we've learned in our journey.

We only get one shot at life and we need to make the most of that time. Hopefully we can help others recover or prevent them from following in our foot steps or just be a friend, so yes pay it forward, there certainly are opportunities all around to make the world a better place.
 
The step in NA and AA to make amenRAB with those you have wronged isn't exactly for the people you have wronged, its more to free you. If you can live with it without coming clean, and you feel like paying it forward is the wya to go, maybe that will work. Although paying it forward is also a step, the 12th step, which is giving away what was so freely giving to you.
 
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