Dear, dear NLena,
First of all, a big cyber hug! ((((((((((NLena))))))))))
I know all too well what you're talking about. It was about 17 months after my fusion surgery and about 5 months after my hardware removal that I broke down and made an appt with my family doctor. It was Valentine's Day and I got a wonderful present from him! He walked in and said, "hey I don't think I've seen you since your last surgery. How did it go?" And I burst into tears. He grabbed tissues, thrust them into my hanRAB, and sat down and patiently waited until I got control of myself, kind of. I proceeded to cry for the next 10 minutes, trying to explain how awful I felt, that I knew I was never going to be pain-free, that it had never even been a goal, but I was understanding now that I was going to slowly continue to decline. Even though I'm so much better after this surgery, I'm always going to have pain. I've been in pain since I was 14 years old. I just turned 50. He was so patient and kind to me and told me that depression goes hand in hand with chronic pain, that chronic pain can be very wearing, and was just so encouraging, because he understood, didn't treat me like I wasn't looking at things with a positive enough attitude or that I needed to just get a grip. He gave me a prescription for Cyrabalta, since it not only helps with depression, but also helps with pain, the only antidepressant that does that. I'm trying not to sound too weird about it, but it really did change my life! I feel like a normal person for the first time in a very, very long time!
I don't tell my frienRAB that I'm on an antidepressant because they really don't understand the chronic pain/depression thing. I have one friend who is looking at the same extensive fusion I had, though for different reasons. In fact, hers will be 2 levels longer than mine, which is pretty long, 14 levels. She and I talk backs every time we see each other, even though we always vow to talk about something else, but we're the only ones who really "get" it for each other. She knows I'm on Cyrabalta, and that motivated her to ask about it, too, as she was struggling the same way I had been. It's been just as good a help for her.
Please don't feel like you can't take something to help you get over this hurdle. Maybe it will be only temporary for you, or maybe long term. Either way, there's no shame in it. Trying to look at the world as the glass half full, well, that's good and may be helpful, but with chronic pain, the source of that depression is always there. A little medication to help in the battle is a GOOD thing!
I hope you can get some relief from this. I know all too well how wearing pain can be!
Hang in there, dear NLena. Please let me know how you're doing.
Much love,
Emily