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So Monica goes to the cleaners and tells the old man she needs her dress cleaned. The old guy is hard of hearing, so he says, "Come again?' "No," Monica giggles, "just mustard stains this time..." In all seriousness, it's surprising how long ago it happened. Now Monica is all grown up and...

Put a toupe on the eagle and use that as your defense. You didn't know he was bald.

"There is no shortage of lawyers in Washington, DC. In fact, there may be more lawyers than people." ~ (former) US Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor Isn't it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the whole profession a bad name? For your riddle, though, I just can't come up with an answer...

They're twins, both are 6 years old. Apparently "Big Sis" was born first. If he gave her 4 years, then she'd be 5 times his age.

Government. I love my country. It's my government I fear.

They're twins, both are 6 years old. Apparently "Big Sis" was born first. If he gave her 4 years, then she'd be 5 times his age.

What in the hell would they drive to Kansas for??? Have you ever been to Kansas? A cyclone is the only excitement they get. Jackie Chan: We'll be like Michael Jackson and Toto. Chris Tucker: That's TITO! TOTO is what we had for dinner!" (Rush Hour 2)

Guy in court, and the judge says, "You're charged with Disorderly Conduct. How do you plead?" The defendant says, "All I did was call a police officer a PIG." "Guilty," responds the judge. "Your fine is $100!" "Okay," answers the defendant. "But is it a crime if I tell a pig that he's a...

Guy in court, and the judge says, "You're charged with Disorderly Conduct. How do you plead?" The defendant says, "All I did was call a police officer a PIG." "Guilty," responds the judge. "Your fine is $100!" "Okay," answers the defendant. "But is it a crime if I tell a pig that he's a...

The asterisks... Was that supposed to be bÃ*tch? A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father...

What is it that you throw away the outside, and cook the inside. But then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. Corn on the cob.

Optometrist was examining a Korean's eyes when he saw something. "Cataract?" he murmured. "No," replied the Korean, "Rinken Continental."

Two girls were talking, one said, "My boyfriend just gave me flowers. Now I'm going to end up spending the weekend with my legs up in the air." "Why?" asked her friend. "Don't you have a vase?"

When I think of the Red River, I think of the border between Texas and Oklahoma, but you're right. The Red River also forms a small part of the border between Texas and Arkansas, too. Texarkana, TX, just south of the river, actually straddles the border of the two states. In fact, a Texas...

So a black man tells his wife to get him a costume for the company's weekend Halloween party. He gets home and finds a Superman costume on the bed. He yells at her, "Who ever heard of a black Superman? Now get me a GOOD costume!" Next day when he gets home, he sees that she got him a Batman...

Three guys working construction on a skyscraper. One is blonde, another is dark-haired, and the third is bald. At lunchtime, they all sit down on a steel girder high above the city and open their lunchboxes. "Pastrami on rye!" exclaims the dark-haired guy. "If I get pastrami on rye just one...

A woman hadn't been asked on any dates for months. She started to wonder if there was something physically wrong with her, so she went to a doctor. The doctor examined her and told her there was nothing wrong her. So she went to another doctor who told her the same thing. After a couple more...

Q. Why don't blind people go skydiving? A. Scares the crap out of their seeing eye dogs.

Q. Why don't blind people go skydiving? A. Scares the crap out of their seeing eye dogs.

Whew! Tough crowd tonight, ain't it?