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Yes, its natural that you feel that way. First of all you're not used to his expressed love and second of all he's abusive. It's like he loves you and then hates you (not that he hates you for real), it just feels that way and it must be hard to figure out. You're normal in an abnormal situation.

I guess you enjoy a dramatic life. That's why you're still in it and now wishing he was free? Please don't ever have kids Sorry don't want to be mean, just honest Hold it together the way you always do