Robert Louis Stevenson
Lewis Carroll
Wilkie Collins
Bram Stoker
Mary Shelley
Shakespeare
Emily Bronte
Charlotte Bronte
Anne Bronte
Jerome K Jerome
Oscar WIlde
Kenneth Grahame
Aldous Huxley
J.R.R. Tolkien
C.S Lewis
Edit: SORRY!! About Hemmingway and Poe. I just chucked a bunch of authors I'd...
There is waaay too much dialogue.
Dialogue is only semi-important when writing. Also, you've started it with the very very cliche beginning of waking up. Best way to start your writing is avoiding the cliches and minimizing the use of dialogue.
Perhaps go into intricate detail about them walking...